Confessing

[anxious34]

when we were little our mom always taught us that if we did something bad we had to tell her. so everytime i did, the whole day i'd think about how i'd tell my mom. that has lasted until now, even though our mom doEsnt require us to do it anymore since wE're getTing older. everytime i do something bad, or i just FEEL/think like i do something bad, i feel like i HAVE to tell someone about it, like to "confess". even if i realize that sometimes i'm not even doing anything bad in the first place. it's like i place constant blame on myself or my mind is always fighting me telling me that whatever i did is bad and i have to tell the person who i may be directly hurting. and people tell me sometimes that they don't need to know, or they don't even want to know. for instance when i feel like i've been flirting with guys, i feel like i have to tell my boyfriend. he's told me that he's not comfortable with me talking to him about other guys. i just don't know what to do . i want to learn to have reconfigure my brain and its way of thinking or something.

[NCR1]

You def need a bit of help there, but remember this if you tell your boyfriend that you flirted with someone, you would feel better right cause you told him?? well that is not fair because you would now feel better and it would all be on him and he would do all the worrying.

You have one thing in your favour, your BF has asked you not to discuss it so feel happy about that.

Regards

[dmbfan07cb]

Talk to your parents about it and see if you cant get some CBT.  If you really have a problem that may fix you right up.  Your still young though (well i'm not really that much older) This may be something your just going through and it will pass with some time?

The real problem, i think, isn't wanting to confess.  I think that could be a good quality.  It's just maybe your confessing to things that just are better left unsaid and maybe you could slowly learn to bridge the gap between what you should confess to and what you don't really need to confess to.  

[lonewolf07]

Confessing is supposed to be good for the soul.  There are somethings that really should not be confessed, either because they are too trivial or potentially hurtful.

Telling your b/f about flirting might make you feel better for awhile but how will it make him feel?  He might wonder about what you'll confess to next.

It sounds like you have to "break" the confessing program your mother taught you.  My mother did the same kind of programming only the subject matter was different.  For me, it meant therapy.  For you, it might take something different.  But the mental program put in your brain by your mother should be broken or re-programmed the way you want it.

lonewolf

[sunset555]

Hi anxious!!

I could not agree with lonewolf more, and basically could not put it better myself, as she has given some very well thought out advice and it would be very wise of you to heath this advice.

A therapist or a counsellor would indeed be the way to go, if that is the road you want to take. As personally speaking, I have also had counselling and still do and I think that everyone can really and truelly benefit in their lives by receiving a course of therapy, as this will possibly reach to the root of your problem (confessing)

I know that confessing is very cleansing for your soul and everything, but what you mistake is that everyone else is going to feel the same when really - what they will feel will be quite the opposite (unfortunately) for them.

You have come to a great forum, please do keep in touch, and thank you for your honesty.

Sunset

[hope_for_more]

If you can work with a therapist that would be great but if you can't think about writing down your feelings.  Give your confession as words on paper.  

Then try not to be too hard on youself, learn to forgive yourself.  If you've done something you feel bad about, make an effort to do better the next time. Remember, none of us is perfect, we are all human and make mistakes it's how we learn and grow.

[katemom]

I've always believed that if you do something that makes you feel guilty, you shouldn't hurt another person by confession. Live with it yourself. If you're the one tormented by your own actions, seek help, but leave innocent people clueless and unharmed.

[anxious34]

yes i completely agree. i didn't realize that by me feeling better, i was making him feel bad. which is what i do to a lot of people i think, with my wanting to confess often.

[anxious34]

yes i think the problem i have now is distinguishing what should be told and what should be kept quiet

[anxious34]

thank you SO SO SO much for your kind words and advice. you all made so much sense and i feel a lot better now. it was only recently that i realized that what i have is anxiety so i'm slowly trying to tackle and beat it!

[JSGeare]

Confession, they say, is "good for the soul." I'm not sure who "THEY" are, but I think they got their start in the Inquisition.

The question is, WHOSE soul? Sometimes we "confess" a transgression to the person whose trust we have violated -because it makes us (the confessed) feel good about ourselves to have gotten the matter off our chests -relieve our guilt. Frequently, however, this is really a transfer of the bad feeling from the confessed to the confessor. "Ah, Honey, I feel so much better now that I've told you about the man I hooked up with at my sales convention in New York City last week."

WHAT?! So now, "Honey," is supposed to feel good because YOU feel good that you told him about YOUR violation? Makes no sense.

But let's suppose the guy you hooked up with under the clock at the Biltmore also gave you a little going away gift, such as one would discover in bloodwork. Now, things are different. If you don't come clean, people are going to get very sick. So, in this case, the confession is necessary and incidental to protecting someone. Ya gotta do it.

It is just as you say: "...distinguishing what should be told and what should be kept quiet."

Of course, part and parcel of the confession imperative is that sense that we've done something "wrong." That can be a toughie, because often people will say that we HAVE done something wrong -and we had NO idea that we were doing anything wrong -at least, not intentionally. So, there is a difference between being "sorry" about a bad outcome, and sorry for what we have innocently (or ignorantly) done.

Take flirting (please). No question about it, regardless of sexual preference, we are all "sexual" beings for most of our adult lives, so when two folks who for whatever reason regard each other as attractive or interesting encounter one another, there is probably going to be some positive reaction, regardless of whatever moral boundaries may exist with respect to a partner who may or may not be present at the time. And frequently, such exchange of positive feelings as may occur, verbally or nonverbally, can be offered and taken as flattery -as a compliment. On the same level as opening a door, pouring another cup of coffee for someone or pulling out a chair. But a problem can occur if one or the other is attempting to advance a deeper agenda, or detects that such an agenda is being advanced.  Now, flirting among people who are otherwise committed can produce a lot of confusion. And when the flirting behavior is deliberately deployed so as to gain some good feeling on the part of the flirter (as opposed to the flirtee) then we get into MANIPULATION. And that's a whole different ballgame. And it is up to YOU to decide where you are on that spectrum of motives and intent.

This kind of discussion can go on forever because it is filled with "yes, buts." The point is, does your behavior fairly and honestly represent your "agenda?" And THAT, my friend, is YOUR CALL.