was i abused ???

[Kaz10]

basically when i was 10 years old a older boy who a neighbour he was 16/17 at the time took advantage of me well i think ...he used to make me kiss him all the time with tongues he would put his hand on my backside but i remember he NEVER did on my front he used to make me move up and down on him like we were having sex..but not if that makes sense i cant remember all of it (i dont know why) but i do with most of it , it went on for awhile until something clicked at the time when i used to do nothing but cry and managed to pluck up the guts to tell someone ...it then stopped . but does this fall into the category of sexual abuse as its not as serious as other cases heard/read about which most definetly are,

Thanks

[RockRose]

Kaz,  I would be interested to hear why you need to define it as "abuse" or not.  From your memory,  (although you say it's not a clear memory,  it sounds fairly clear to me),  you were uncomfortable with the sexual advances of an older boy,  and after several incidences,  you told an authority figure and it stopped.

To me,  that sounds like molestation,  which is one form of abuse.  There are many forms of abuse,  I guess.  

First off,  why do you have a question as to whether that's abuse,  and secondly,  what will it do when everyone says yes you were abused.  

I'm curious because that question gets asked SO MUCH - not just on this abuse board,  but on relationships and sexuality boards.  Someone posts something that would surely qualify as abuse and then asks am i being abused.  

I don't mean this post to sound harsh - I just don't see why there's a question here.

Best wishes.

[Kaz10]

i understand where your coming from...

i suppose if more people keep telling me "yes you were abused" then your guilt of thinking "was it all my fault" ,"was i to blame for what happened" would give me peace of mind in knowing well it was totally not my fault because if all these other people back me up i cant be wrong

does that make sense?

[RockRose]

Yes,  that makes sense.  

It seems like children who are molested who fight back immediately,  and get help,   usually recover very well,  with few emotional scars.  Children who never fight back or who fight back after several incidences tend to carry guilt and doubt.

The guilt here is a tricky thing.  If you had mutual sex play with another 10 year old at that time,  would you feel "guilty"?  Probably not - you'd probably feel a little embarrassed at the memory and hope the guy forgot about it,  but I doubt you'd feel "guilt" at mutual sex play.  (Maybe I'm just answering for myself here).

So.  Where does the "guilt" come in with sex play that is clearly not mutual?  Why the guilt?  

Rather than saying yep you were abused,  I'd rather tell you you're brave and strong for telling,  and putting a stop to it - that mustn't have been easy at all.  But you did it,  and because you did it,  the molestation stopped.

Best wishes on feeling better about this.  

[AnnaE]

Even peer paly can sometimes be abuse. My brother was a year older, and he knew things that I didn't, he was stroner than me. He wa alone with me. I did not want it. I was not mutual, I guess you would say.We were fron 5-9 years old. There was no one to stop it. My father and my other brother did it too. and my mother and sisters tried to hide it. They physically abused me. It is so horrible to say, The victim fears attack again by telling. Maybe we sometimes take responsibility, to keep away from more hurt.

I tried to tell an adult cousin, and she damned me. I try to tell an adult teacher, and she cut me off. The first one that listened to me was my ex, and then a therapist at 29. I never gave my ex the details.

The abusers tell you it was your fault--there is the guilt. You feel guilt as part of the horrible aftermath of the feelings that come with emotional effects of trauma.

It is not reasonable for a victim to feel guilt. It is also not reasonable for a victim to deny it and feel happy, then crazy, then happy.  However, these emotions are the aftermath of trauma.

This is what we call post traumatic stress syndrome.

Kaz, you can achieve some comfort and good feelings. It was not your fault. Crying all the time also got me to quit my abusive doctor. Be careful of people. Having been abused makes us vulnerable to other people who do not have good intentions.

We wish you health and write back anytime. Pat yourself on the shoulder. We all support you.

[treazzure007]

Yes, it was sexual abuse.  It is a blessing that it didnt get worse than that, believe me.  I pray that guy is a completely changed man or behind prison bars right now.