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This wedding wont even be a wedding....
by K1990, May 04, 2008 07:28PM
Alright so my fiance and I are getting married in a little less than a year and 6 months and at first my fiance wanted to have a big wedding party and then we ended up deciding there wouldn't be any bridesmaids or groomsman. And we were always going to have a flower girl and ring bearer and now I kind of want at lease a maid or honor and a best man if not more and he is so set against it. But he now also doesn't want a flower girl or a ring bearer and I'm sorry but at this point it isn't even a wedding and I'm upset. I'm not paying this kind of money to just have people come watch us alope(sp?) then... This is nothing I dreamed of and I'm not happy with what it has turned out to be. I'm so upest, I'm in tears typing this. How do I convince him that we need at least the ring bearer and flower girl. At this point I told him that we will just call the wedding off and alpoe because its not even a wedding now. He thinks that if we have a wedding party it wont be just about us anymore. What do I do?
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I'm going to tell you something from my own "Pre-Cana" counseling, way back in the day before I got married, like 1984. The Catholic church required counseling before anyone could get married in the church.
One of the clear messages, and I believe this to be true, was if the details of your wedding are causing you - as a couple - to have real disagreement, don't get married. If you can't come together on the wedding ceremony, you are not a match.
Girl, you're so young. You have a different life philosophy than your fiance - you want your friends, he wants to isolate himself. You want a beautiful wedding, he wants a distant audience to watch you do this.
You aren't a match. Really, as much as you think you are at your sweet young age, you aren't.
God bless you in the next coming months of decisions.
Does he want to isolate you from your friends in family in other ways, too?
This really does not look good. RockRose gave you very, very good advice. If there is this much conflict now, it will only get worse. But if you can't see that and don't want to move on, at the very least, don't move out of your parents house to live with him right now (why are you doing that anyway?). And tell him that since you can't agree, you need to postpone the wedding planning for six months and then see how compatible you are about it at that point.
I think if you can sit back and try to look at it objectively (hard to do, I know), you will see other signs of incompatibility.
Have you discussed children? How many you may want and your philosophy on raising them (discipline, morals, religion, etc.). And you would be surprise at how important religion may come one day when you have children. Have you discussed if you will stay home with them or work? You could be really butting heads over something much more important (a child's life) in the future. Have you discussed where you will spend holidays (with his family or yours--again, it probably won't matter until you want your children to know your family and spend Christmas with them)? Have you talked about your future in detail (where you want to live, what you want to do, etc.)? If you have discussed all of this, do you agree with each other about all these other things?
Seriously...postpone everything--moving in with him and the wedding.
We have talked about everything: kids, how we are going to raise them, rules, and all of that. There is no need to postpone a thing! This whole thing isn't that big of a deal and now it is just fine and everything is running just fine. I move tomorrow and everything is fine, no couple argees on everything at first and once everything is out of the table it all works out fine.
When I really think hard about this, I felt that way because I think it's very weird for a man to want everyone to sit in their pews at a wedding and only focus on him. That's the whole deal, and I'm not trying to pick a fight. I think that's like a Bridezilla thing to want to do - everyone else go sit way over there and take pictures of us.
I have this feeling when women get pregnant and get all furious if their sisters in law get pregnant at the same time - like they think they should be the only one getting 100% of the attention and anyone else is in the wrong for stealing the thunder. Or if a relative wants to throw a joint birthday party for a couple cousins whose birthdays are very close, one mother getting her nose all out of joint that both sets of grandparents should be at HER baby's birthday and ditch the group party. Or a woman who declines a wedding invitation for herself and her husband because that's HER birthday and they always celebrate only by themselves.
I'm willing to admit it's me - or something about me - that just makes my flesh crawl when people insist that everyone sit and only pay attention to them and no one else. And that's what I was feeling - I was remembering so many women (and it's almost always women who want the entire spotlight) who have irritated me this way.
So. Very long post to say maybe I was wrong in my post to you about this not being a workable relationship. I just get my back up when people get jealous about other people possibly stealing limelight and I got really irritated at your fiance.
Maybe you'll work out fine. Be prepared for him to be very jealous of any spotlight that isn't on him, or on your babies, that has to be shared in any way, though.
What worked well for someone I know was a private secret ceremony months in advance of a larger wedding. All worked out quite well and the couple enjoys their super secret anniversary.
Have your parents or siblings or close friends ever expressed that concern? That they think he's controlling, moody, and self-centered?
And you never answered--why are you moving in with him at this point? Why not plan the wedding and move in with him after that?
You said that everything is "fine" five times in your last post and that you were "lucky" at least twice. Are you trying to convince us or yourself of that?
You really should listen to what others have to say. It's hard to do when you are in love and fantasizing about a wedding and new life together, but others really do see things more objectively...things you may not see for years down the road--when it's too late and you have kids to consider.
If you were smart, you would slow down--stay at your parents' house and take your time planning the wedding.
But it sounds like you are determined, so best of luck to you.
This wedding so far has been more what I want than him, lol. He is always willing to compromise and it will be just fine!
Agiesmom~ He isn't controlling at all actually, I'm the one who bosses him around actually. He just wants to be hands on with the wedding and I'm glad he is, it isn't just the womens day it is the mans as well and most women want it to me all about them, and it's just not! I'm moved because I didnt like being an hour away from him all week and just seeing him on the weekends and I got a decent job here. I am one who thinks there is nothing wrong with living with someone before being married, so I think it's perfectly okay. The wedding isn't until October of 2009, so that is plenty of time and I have already moved and it has been great so far.