4 years is a little much

[Carla548]

This may seem silly, but I'm at a loss at what to do.  I dated my high school sweetheart and we both went to the same college.  We broke up after we were on an off the first year.  So we had a year and a half strong and a year on and off.  It was a really difficult breakup.  I loved him more than I could even understand and it, unfortunately 4 years later is still very difficult for me.  He has had a girlfriend for the past three....I haven't even gone out on a date!  To make matters worse he writes plays about me and stories and performance pieces.  I'm in his classes (we're in the same major) and I know they're about me.  ANd personally I don't see how his girlfriend handles that.  It would be impossible for me to explain the ups and downs, so lets just say that a part of me can't let go (and he's there every moment reminding me.)  I just want some advice on how to get over it.  I have NO self esteem anymore.  I haven't dated and any time a guy is interested I push him away full force.  Please help.  Any advice would be greatly apreciated.  This is probably more of a self esteem issue, so any advice on that too would be a great help.

[tbop]

The first thing is you know that he has both of you.  the only way to see if he really wants you is to go out with someone  else.   Make  sure you always look at best when he is around.  Be very happy, guys want an happy person.  Everyone wants to be happy and to be around happy people.  people feed of good energy.  When he talks you  be nice & listen, but not to long because you hav esomething to do.  The action of nice to see you but I am bussy or have to be somewhere.  he will not be able to stand not having you, or you not waiting on him.   Make sure he has to try for you. That you still care but you have to have a little more.  If he realy wants you he will not be able to stay away.  No man could.  As it stands now he has you and her.  You will always be there.  If he doesn't come around what do you have to lose.   You will be looking  good and starting to date again.  This is a no lose idea.   Good luck with what ever you decide.   The girlfriend may not know these things he does is about you.   But he knows you do.  He knows it keeps you on hold.  He is good.  It is time to be strong men like happy out going women.   You don't have to see someone big time.  Just be bissy & happy,  talk to anlther guy.      Go Blees

[Carla548]

thanks for the support...but like I said...we broke up 4 years ago...I don't want him back and I really don't think he wants me back.... and I don't want to do things just so he sees me a certain way...I want to be happy for me, not for him.... I just feel like no matter what I do he's my shadow and won't leave me alone...at the same time, I'm scared that he will one day not care

I know I make no sense,  all the same thanks for the help

[treazzure007]

In that case, I dont feel that you can move on until you step forward.  Some people go through breakups and they're back out on dating market the next week.  Then there are the ones who need a little persuasion and tugging from some buddies.  

You must make yourself get out and around.  How else will you "bump" into someone that could possibly lead to you going out, getting to know that person well, really liking them, and moving on to dating again?  Meeting new pals and being socially accepted is a pick-up for anyone's self-esteem.  

[jo929]

from what i am reading, is that you are really not letting go, you say you think of him, also you sayyou know he does this, and that for , you, and you also point out that you do not go out on dates, WHY, have you thought about this,I think  that because you have not been out, he may think you pine for him, maybe you do, more than you know, if you think it is self esteem start thinking more of yourself, remember. if you don think more of your self, no one else will either, get a book on self esteem, and for heavens sake do go out somewhere, you may be surprised how much fun you mat have,  you are young and your whole life is waiting out there, the world is your oyster so to speak  luck  jo

[LovinLife]

What I think you can do to help yourself is to MOVE ON.  Way easier said than done, but you should force yourself to date, even if you don't feel like it.  I find that if I always look forward to the future, and adopt an attitude that somone better will come along in life, then someone better WILL come along in life.  What you focus on is often what you gee, and if you keep focusing on the past and your hurt feelings, then you will continue to feel hurt.  Perhaps there is a way to juggle your classes so you don't have to be in the same ones that this guy is in?  If you have to see him everyday, it is hard to move past him.   I find that when I am trying to get over a guy that I have really fallen for,I spend a certain amount of timem experiencing my emotions of hurt, sadness, etc.  then, I pack anything he gave me or related to him away in a box, and if I am really hurt, I don't keep in contact with him at all, and I remove his number from my phone and anything else that would make me think of him.  Then I force myself to start dating again, just to get myself in a different place.  

Again, I think emotions are difficult to deal with, and it is hard when our emotions determine our attitude, when our attitude should really determine our emotions.   I certainly don't want to sound like all this is easy, because several times in my life I have found myself without someone I really cared for and cried for days and weeks....but, I do say from experience each time I move from a relationship, I eventually move into an even better one, and I think this can happen for anyone.  

Good luck.

[shynesss]

om that guy is a jerkk he is writing dose plays to pull u in dats wah i think so u will enva let go liek a security blankt so her knoes u still like him come on u have to be strong nd move on hace some control on ur life dunt et him run ur life by runing ur emotions i kno u can have self esteeem again u can do it i kno u can love again

[MrsOckert]

To make matters worse he writes plays about me and stories and performance pieces.  I'm in his classes (we're in the same major) and I know they're about me.

Just out of idle curiosity ....how do you know they are about you?  What if they are about his current girlfriend and he doesn't think about you at all?  Have you considered that possibility?

You could be wasting all these years on someone who just doesn't care.  How sad that would be.

[kathryn80]

Be strong... you already know you don't want him in your life, but since you have to endure him in class you may want to make it clear to him that you don't want or need his manipulations.  He sounds like he has commitment issues... his gfriend just hasn't caught on yet... or he lies to her and tells her the pieces are for her and not you.  Is this class offered at any other time?  Can you see about switching?  Is it possible for you to just tell him in no uncertain terms that you are no longer interested in interaction of any sort?  It may be more of an issue with co-dependence which translates to self-esteem.  I certainly struggled with this issue with my ex.  It took me too long to stand up for what I needed and I still struggle with issues because I let him manipulate and control me.  When you think about him try thinking or doing something else to banish him from your mind. Do something for yourself... spa treatment, manicure, yoga class, buy a couple of sessions with a personal trainer, meet some new people with similar interests, oh, and there is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor to address the root issues.

[jo929]

I do think you made a good point  ( I like your style)    jo

[teko]

The bottom line is he has moved on and you are stuck in the past with visions of the good times and have forgotten why you broke up with each other. You need to get a life, steer clear of him and his woman and get on with living. Otherwise yu are going to be bitter and lonely. Put one foot in front of the other and go out with ffiends, date have fun again and you may not feel it at first but it will come. That is the only logical option there is. Quit procrastinating and just get on with it. The whys and wherefores and conjuring up romantic vision of what could of been just do not matter cause it is what it is. Move on.