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Trying to be friends with ex fiance but dont think he's over it
by Curious04, May 05, 2008 08:02PM
I'm not sure if i'm in the right section or not, just trying to debate on if i am putting myself in a sticky situation or not.
(for give me its long)
I was with a great guy for over 2 years we got engaged really early in the relationship and a few months later made it finalized. He was pretty much a deadbeat though, couldn't keep a job, never stuck to his word...border line controlling (my friends would call to hang out and he would freak out on me and try playing a guilt trip ) pretty much the whole relationship was like for a 1yr and half. The whole sitaution become worse when he started working away from home, we had a talk one time he came home about maybe saving eachother the grief and just calling it quits and saving the friendship we had beforehand (went to high school together) the conclusions was we would stick it out. Coincedience or not, the next morning his phone starts ringing off the hook with his family calling questioning him bout us being broke up and who this new girl is that he met where he was working. The story was turned to where it was just his "best friend" instigating. (small town drama).
Well he ended up being kicked out of where he was living, stayed with him mom for a few months and then we talked to my parents about him staying at the house for the summer, until he could get back on his feet. That went surprisingly well for a few months until I had made plans for a friend (female) from to come up for a few days.
I was in college and still am, so he made a big deal about me requesting one day of work off and catching up on my school work so I could take some time to spend with her. The whole situation escalated, he rarley spent any time with me, always "working" and are arguments were getting worse. I was getting tired of argueing and trying to concentrate on school work and it wasn't until we started argueing right before I was getting ready to take a tests for college. I asked him to leave me alone so I could take my tests and he kept pushing so i told him to leave repeatdly. I went to go into my bedroom and he still persisted. I had it I got really mad and started screaming and he ended it.
He called me repeatedly after I told him I just needed time in which I was never given until about month after it was officially over.
In turn he got a job, an apartment and we started talking occasionally. He would always fill the conversation with how good and nice it was to be able to talk civilized, he told me he was doing all that stuff to prove to me he could and in hopes that I would change my mind and take him back..I made a point to tell him, I wasn't worried about a relationship of that type with him to just get back our friendship. Few months went by and I began to see someone new, I got the attitude how i got over it rather quickly, that relationship ended as quick as it started though.
He's now in a new relationship and is engaged, to the girl he was supose to be cheating on me with, We've have ran into eachother a few times, the last time I ran into him he didn't have a word to say to me just stood there kind of dumbfounded like he had so much to say and it just wouldnt come out (this new girl was there with him). I didn't take it personal, there was no point to. The other times I've ran into him we have talked for a few.
I was having some rather serious medical problems when we were together and I think part of that is what kept us together and added to the turmoil that was in our relationship. Even before we both realized how relationship was on the rocks we had talked about me and my situation and how he still wanted to up todate on my situation. I am in the process of getting an update on my medical situation for precautionary reasons and like usual have high anxiety of it. I left him a message what was going on and he called today. We talked about how things were going, work, school the basics..then got into the medical stuff. Once again I herd how good it was to talk and how me still keeping him up to date makes him feel good. (his words)
When i talk to him and see him, I see in him that he's still not over it, and yet he's with this other girl and I am assuming he's happy with her, I don't want to mess that up trying to be friends with him. I am over the relationship..I just feel like i'm treaded water and do not want to cause anymore problems for our friendship or his new relationship. Do you think he's over it and is making an honest attempt to just be friends or should I just leave the situation alone?
(for give me its long)
I was with a great guy for over 2 years we got engaged really early in the relationship and a few months later made it finalized. He was pretty much a deadbeat though, couldn't keep a job, never stuck to his word...border line controlling (my friends would call to hang out and he would freak out on me and try playing a guilt trip ) pretty much the whole relationship was like for a 1yr and half. The whole sitaution become worse when he started working away from home, we had a talk one time he came home about maybe saving eachother the grief and just calling it quits and saving the friendship we had beforehand (went to high school together) the conclusions was we would stick it out. Coincedience or not, the next morning his phone starts ringing off the hook with his family calling questioning him bout us being broke up and who this new girl is that he met where he was working. The story was turned to where it was just his "best friend" instigating. (small town drama).
Well he ended up being kicked out of where he was living, stayed with him mom for a few months and then we talked to my parents about him staying at the house for the summer, until he could get back on his feet. That went surprisingly well for a few months until I had made plans for a friend (female) from to come up for a few days.
I was in college and still am, so he made a big deal about me requesting one day of work off and catching up on my school work so I could take some time to spend with her. The whole situation escalated, he rarley spent any time with me, always "working" and are arguments were getting worse. I was getting tired of argueing and trying to concentrate on school work and it wasn't until we started argueing right before I was getting ready to take a tests for college. I asked him to leave me alone so I could take my tests and he kept pushing so i told him to leave repeatdly. I went to go into my bedroom and he still persisted. I had it I got really mad and started screaming and he ended it.
He called me repeatedly after I told him I just needed time in which I was never given until about month after it was officially over.
In turn he got a job, an apartment and we started talking occasionally. He would always fill the conversation with how good and nice it was to be able to talk civilized, he told me he was doing all that stuff to prove to me he could and in hopes that I would change my mind and take him back..I made a point to tell him, I wasn't worried about a relationship of that type with him to just get back our friendship. Few months went by and I began to see someone new, I got the attitude how i got over it rather quickly, that relationship ended as quick as it started though.
He's now in a new relationship and is engaged, to the girl he was supose to be cheating on me with, We've have ran into eachother a few times, the last time I ran into him he didn't have a word to say to me just stood there kind of dumbfounded like he had so much to say and it just wouldnt come out (this new girl was there with him). I didn't take it personal, there was no point to. The other times I've ran into him we have talked for a few.
I was having some rather serious medical problems when we were together and I think part of that is what kept us together and added to the turmoil that was in our relationship. Even before we both realized how relationship was on the rocks we had talked about me and my situation and how he still wanted to up todate on my situation. I am in the process of getting an update on my medical situation for precautionary reasons and like usual have high anxiety of it. I left him a message what was going on and he called today. We talked about how things were going, work, school the basics..then got into the medical stuff. Once again I herd how good it was to talk and how me still keeping him up to date makes him feel good. (his words)
When i talk to him and see him, I see in him that he's still not over it, and yet he's with this other girl and I am assuming he's happy with her, I don't want to mess that up trying to be friends with him. I am over the relationship..I just feel like i'm treaded water and do not want to cause anymore problems for our friendship or his new relationship. Do you think he's over it and is making an honest attempt to just be friends or should I just leave the situation alone?
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Example: The night proposed to this new girl he sent a message through an old co worker of mine. The message consisted of the co worker telling me he repeadtly told him that he wishes the best for me and that he misses me but just got engaged. ( He was drunk, or loaded from what I was told) the missing part and the engaged I can assume wasn't part of the message, but like I said small town.
As for fiance/wife I have never met her, but I kind of feel bad for her in the perspective of him going behind her back talking to me for sake of arguement. He wouldn't talk to me when I seen him and she was with him, now if she wouldn't have been around he would've been just fine with a conversation. With that I have already made a point too tell him that if I do in some way cause any relationship issuse between them two it will be on him to contact me and keep in touch.
I honestly just feel that he is not over us and is with this girl because he is afraid of being alone and think it'll help him try to get over me. That is unfair to this girl and himself. So once again I am just trying to figure out if my concerns could possible be legitmate in anyway or maybe he has finally moved on.
BTW...he gets engaged like people change their socks! Not a good sign.
It is a possibility for people to keep their words and stick to what they say. I was just curious as to if anyone thought it was logical to think there would be an honest frienship possible and nothing more. The opinions and advice I am getting is that I'm not over it, I do not have many people to turn to that understand me when I am going through a tough time and told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to he would be there (even after he got with this new girl) I rather suffer myself then to turn to him and mess his new relationship up, something I know I could do if I really wanted to.
So I'll take my concerns with my friendship and him to someone else that is more aware of the entire situation, but would like to have alittle reasoning behind why you think i'm not over it and if it's a logical point to make, if i'm not over it why would I be minding one bit about the affect I have on his new relationship?
Though I suspect you're reading into him too much, my advice is to listen to your gut. If you think he's not over it, then politely back off. His role in your life is no longer your primary confidant. So even if things are bad, it's not really his business anymore. A simple, "it's been up and down, but I'm managing" is all he needs to know. Telling him, "It's been terrible and I have no one else to talk to" sounds a lot like, "I still need your help." If he's a good person then yes, he will probably be concerned about you. And that's where the mixed messages come in.
If you were over your ex then you'd be focussing on new relationships (not just romantic ones) with new people. And you wouldn't be martyring yourself (going thru terrible pain by not talking to him to prove a point). Work on the other friendships that you do have - even if it's only with family - and start cultivating new friendships that will replace the support network you had with your ex. Find a support group regarding your illness, or start a social hobby/sport. You're not moving on by remaining so focussed on your ex (as portrayed by your post). So work on moving forward yourself - good luck!
I agree with a lot of what you said, mostly about the part friendships after relationships are overrated unless you are giving time and space to move on. That is the reason right there I limited contact and just kept up with the yes things are going good, same ole same ole, things alright with you..and that is the way it has been for awhile now. This is very first situation I have actually gone to him with. There was a situation that didn't directly involved me that he caught wind of a few months back and he did ask me how it was going or what was up with it, and I did just what you said, it's up and down but I am managing and dropped it at that.
Our relationship once again was not a very good one, we were and maybe still will be just better friends time will only tell. It is not something I am rushing into or hoping that will happen, whatever happens, happens. I am just trying to consider all possibilities to the limit the "drama" and anything other problems that may arise that shouldn't be. I'm not asking him to drop what he's doing and come be his crying shoulder by no means, nor would I ever. Just looking for someone that understands how I am with a certain situation.
I am going to take your advice about trusting my gut feeling, but feel that if our conversations remain the way they are that everything will be okay and maybe he or we will be able to move past them old feelings and have a friendship. I did have a hard time getting over how i was treated in the relationship and have come to amends with it more so now then what I realized, not the feelings I felt for him. He was and is a great guy as a friend but I cannot see it anyother way. Thanks again.