Help with kicking a BAD (Hydro) habit

[lonelyinCA]

I'm done rationalizing my addiction.  This is a big step for me... as I've found many reasons to continue my use over the last couple of years.  I've been on Hydro, taking up to 20 -10/500 pills/day.  What's worst, is that I've been a master of the W/D's, because my RX only gets me through about 2-3 weeks each month. So I continually find myself W/Ding after a short ween and then clean for 7 or so days before a refill. So.. not having this be a real obstabcle actually works against me!  Then when I get back on the pills, the high is great because the body has some time to lower the tolerance and then I'm back in full swing in a matter of 5 or so days.  It sure doesn't take long to bring that tolerance back.  I feel so powerless and lonely - as I hide this habit from EVERYONE.  No one has any idea that I have this in my life. It's so very sad and lonely.  I'm on day 1 - and only had a few small w/d's last night.  The sick part is that I know where I can get some pills right now. I have to stop myself every minute from making that happen. I'm constantly thinking for any reason why I should.  I feel like they help my concentration - and can allow me to focus on work for hours on end without distractions. Off the meds, and I have a hard time getting any motivation to do much of anything.

I'm 31 now, but when I was 16-17, I had to kick a bad meth. addiiction. I was in out-paitent for 13 months.  Never once was I drawn back into that life. My family was a motivating factor and not wanting to disappoint my parents and all supporters.  Then when I started on pills - I found myself right back in that heavy additicion from over 10 years earlier.   If I honesty look back, I don't feel like I've progressed my life in the last 2 years (while on the pills) and that is very sad. I feel like I'm in a standstill and I don't know why I feel like the concentration and motivation of the pills are helping if I'm at a standstill. Uggg.

I'm writing this as much for support and advice as I am for my own acknowledgement of the problem.  I need to be able to reference my own words.  

The sad part is that I'm very active person. I do a lot of bike riding/running (on/off dope) and just completed a tough triathlon on Sunday.  I had 3 pills when I got home, which I took Monday morning. Now it's Tuesday - mid-day and I don't have the desire (energy is low too) to get anything done. The house is a mess, I have a LOT of work to do - and I continue to rationalize to go get the pills so I can catch up on my massive workload. When I'm high on the Hydro - I work like crazy.

I just want to be normal - drug-free - and happy.  How long before the depression evens out and your mood picks up? If I can get back to that normal - then I feel like I would be far better off to accepting a clean lifestyle.

[Crispy]

its gonna take time. This didnt happen over night and theres no magical cure to make you feel better and i wish to god there was. When your going through w.ds its gonna feel like you wanna die but i promise you it will pass the first 7 days are going to be hell (i dont want to lie to you) But take hot baths eat fruit and try to choke down some whole foods if you can. Protien shakes and some imodium will help keep your nutrion up. Most ppl say it feels like a really bad flu and in some aspects it does but your head knows what can ease the pain (pills ) but dont run to the pills because there the thing that brought all this on. Keep posting during horrible times and you will get through this we all have or are going through the exact same thing so we will help as best we can.

[mimi1313]

HI,

Welcome to the forum. it may not take you as long becasue you're already so active. If you find you need extra help. look at the right side of the page at the Health Pages. There is a section on amino acids. They are a lot for energy so you should be in good hands. Any questions, please post and you will get alot of help and support.

I know its difficult coming out of the denial stage but you did and YAY for you. YOu want this and that is the most important thing. Good luck and keep posting, it reallyt helps!

Melissa

[joann1975]

Welcome to the forum! You have come to the right place for information and support. This is a great tool in getting clean and getting your life back. (i am currently tapering from a hydro addiction myself i was up to almost 200mgs of hydro per day) I totally understand where you are coming from and you have made a great decision!

Good Luck!

[cocobeanlisa]

When I was reading your post I was drawn right back into my life years ago.

At that time i was only taking 20 Norcos 10/325's a day and I to would run through my Rx and have to wait and go thru w/d's.  Also No One in my Life knew, not my husband, family, friends.  It also gave my energy and my friends would say how do you get so much done...I have to tell you I would give anything to have stopped at that point..But I did not.  I got to 40/50 pills a day and stayed on that amount for years.  I went to 4 doctors a week to get rx's and orderd on line from 6 pharmacies.  I spent over $70,000.00
dollars on my addiction all the while saying to myself that I needed it for the pain and that no one understood how hard it was for me.

I finally came to a breaking point and came clean to my husband...I got help and support..I go to meetings have a sponsor and havebeen cleaned for a over a year.

I must say that the w/d's where not the hardest part the hard part is the mental.. It has gotten easier as time goes by...BUT GETTING CLEAN WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID FOR MYSELF....

As they say the first step is admitting you have the problem,  welcome and it's great to not have to worry where my next pill is coming from...And yes if I want pills all I have to do is pick up the phone...I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT LIFE.

Hang around this forum and you will get the support you need.

cocobean

[fishmeal]

I was right there with you at that level and then it got worse and I could not go the days without at all.  I finally had to go on the suboxone.  It was the only way for me and really changed my life.  However, there is no end to this story yet so I can't really say what will happen when I finally decide to come off the stuff.  

I'LL PUT THIS IN CAPS... IF YOU CAN GET OF, RUN FROM THIS DRUG AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN BECAUSE IT WILL TAKE YOU DOWN.

[worried878]

agree with fishmeal...if u r gonna refill ur script next week..i would not mentally torture myself if u r not planning on quitting...i depends on your plan...u have to want it and is u dont want it u wont quit..u would need to cut off the refill and go for it...it is obvious u can not use pills responsibly...what is your plan? we all know it is a bumber...u know what wds are like...it is a question of quitting or not quitting...let us know..lots of support here

[lonelyinCA]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate this forum and your comments. It really helps me with not feeling like I'm in this all by myself.  

Last night was not very fun, but I got through it. The normal w/d's. Poor sleep, aching, restlessness legs, etc.  I did go out yesterday and vitamin shop.  I'm hoping they can help nourish my body.  For someone that enjoys excersize, I'm not sure how or why I ever want to destroy myself with pills.  

It's Day 2 and I'm just taking it one day at a time.  Trying to stay focused and positive.  Reading the posts of others every few hours really helps.  It keeps the fighting of my addiction in the front on my mind... instead of the hunger of getting high running my life.