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Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting teens (age 12-17), including physical, emotional, and cognitive development, handling peer pressure, activities & sports, choosing a college, and relationships.
How do I know?
by April2, May 06, 2008 05:59PM
How do I know whether to believe my daughter or a teacher? My daughter has really struggled in Science and Math the last two years (since she started high school). I always believed she had some learning difficulties even though she didn't qualify for Special Ed. She finally was diagnosed with APD and I've always suspected she had ADD because she gets so easily distracted. She also takes longer to complete a things like tests, etc. She has a hard time concentrating and focusing. Now I admit, she's no angel and a lot of times she's too into the social aspects of high school and all the drama associated with it and let's that get in the way of her studies.
We moved her to a new school this year for a fresh start because she had been bullied the last few years at her old school. I didn't realize how bad it was until she became deeply depressed and started cutting. We got her into counseling and she's a LOT better.
She has one teacher who just seems to have a personality clash with her and it's been going on all year. It's her Science teacher, one of her worst subjects. She's the only teacher (ever really) who has been calling me to complain about her. I've tried to side with this teacher all year and wouldn't listen to my daughter when she'd say she just doesn't like her, etc. I didn't want to hear excuses. She complains that she's not doing her work, she's distracted by her fellow students, etc. My daughter says all the kids hate her because she yells at the kids and makes kids go out in the hallway a lot. But for some reason, she seems to have taken a particular dislike to my daughter. I don't know if it's because she knows she was a cutter and she's judging her for the marks on her arms or what.
Today, she called me again (again let me remind you, this is the only teacher that's been calling me to complain about her) and told me that she was moving her out of her class and having her double up on her math to see if she can at least pull her math up. She's given up on her in science. Remember, Math and Science are her worst subjects. She says she won't get the credit for Science this year and that she's just wasting her time being in her class. She also was writing her up for disciplinary action for being disrespectful today. This is the only teacher who has done this. None of her other teachers has ever don't that or called me. So I don't know if this teacher just doesn't like her and is finally tired of her or what. I did talk to my daughter today about being disresptful and got her story on it but I just don't know what to believe because again I hear how she hates her, etc. I'm going to go ahead and ground her for the rest of the school year (which is just 3 weeks) and have her focus on her studies. My daughter also said that her teacher took her test from her today and wouldn't let her get any credit for it because she said she took too long. She said she only had 4 more questions. I asked where she took the test and she said right next to the teacher so I don't think she was talking, etc. I just don't know what to think.
My daughter said her teacher told her she was moving her out of her class to double up her math and seemed real happy to get her out of her class. She also told her that she's never going to make something of herself. At least that's what I heard from my daughter. Then she said her math teacher told her that she's just going to drop out and be a bum. I was surprised to hear that because I thought she liked her math teacher and I don't know why she'd tell her that.
I know I'm only getting her side and that's why I want to talk to both teachers but I'm not sure if if will do any good. I'm thinking about talking to the principal about the Science teacher. She's had complaints before. I don't know what to do. Any advice? My daughter was upset and in tears when she came home from school today. She just went out for a walk. I feel real bad if the teachers did say anything like that because kids need encouragement and to know that their teachers believe in them. If they're having teachers tell them they're never going to get anywhere in life they will believe that. I remember a guidance counselor telling me to not bother with college because I wasn't college material just because I didn't do well on my SAT's. It really affected me. I felt stupid. I never did well on tests. Well, I finally did go to business school and got on the Dean's list so I proved to myself I could do it and I wasn't stupid. I just don't want my daughter to feel like a failure. I don't know what to do. I'm open to any suggestions. I called and left a message with her school counselor because she really likes him. I'm going to talk to him and see if I need to talk to the teachers and/or the principal. My daughter's just had such a rough last couple of years. She really needs someone to believe in her. What do you all think?
We moved her to a new school this year for a fresh start because she had been bullied the last few years at her old school. I didn't realize how bad it was until she became deeply depressed and started cutting. We got her into counseling and she's a LOT better.
She has one teacher who just seems to have a personality clash with her and it's been going on all year. It's her Science teacher, one of her worst subjects. She's the only teacher (ever really) who has been calling me to complain about her. I've tried to side with this teacher all year and wouldn't listen to my daughter when she'd say she just doesn't like her, etc. I didn't want to hear excuses. She complains that she's not doing her work, she's distracted by her fellow students, etc. My daughter says all the kids hate her because she yells at the kids and makes kids go out in the hallway a lot. But for some reason, she seems to have taken a particular dislike to my daughter. I don't know if it's because she knows she was a cutter and she's judging her for the marks on her arms or what.
Today, she called me again (again let me remind you, this is the only teacher that's been calling me to complain about her) and told me that she was moving her out of her class and having her double up on her math to see if she can at least pull her math up. She's given up on her in science. Remember, Math and Science are her worst subjects. She says she won't get the credit for Science this year and that she's just wasting her time being in her class. She also was writing her up for disciplinary action for being disrespectful today. This is the only teacher who has done this. None of her other teachers has ever don't that or called me. So I don't know if this teacher just doesn't like her and is finally tired of her or what. I did talk to my daughter today about being disresptful and got her story on it but I just don't know what to believe because again I hear how she hates her, etc. I'm going to go ahead and ground her for the rest of the school year (which is just 3 weeks) and have her focus on her studies. My daughter also said that her teacher took her test from her today and wouldn't let her get any credit for it because she said she took too long. She said she only had 4 more questions. I asked where she took the test and she said right next to the teacher so I don't think she was talking, etc. I just don't know what to think.
My daughter said her teacher told her she was moving her out of her class to double up her math and seemed real happy to get her out of her class. She also told her that she's never going to make something of herself. At least that's what I heard from my daughter. Then she said her math teacher told her that she's just going to drop out and be a bum. I was surprised to hear that because I thought she liked her math teacher and I don't know why she'd tell her that.
I know I'm only getting her side and that's why I want to talk to both teachers but I'm not sure if if will do any good. I'm thinking about talking to the principal about the Science teacher. She's had complaints before. I don't know what to do. Any advice? My daughter was upset and in tears when she came home from school today. She just went out for a walk. I feel real bad if the teachers did say anything like that because kids need encouragement and to know that their teachers believe in them. If they're having teachers tell them they're never going to get anywhere in life they will believe that. I remember a guidance counselor telling me to not bother with college because I wasn't college material just because I didn't do well on my SAT's. It really affected me. I felt stupid. I never did well on tests. Well, I finally did go to business school and got on the Dean's list so I proved to myself I could do it and I wasn't stupid. I just don't want my daughter to feel like a failure. I don't know what to do. I'm open to any suggestions. I called and left a message with her school counselor because she really likes him. I'm going to talk to him and see if I need to talk to the teachers and/or the principal. My daughter's just had such a rough last couple of years. She really needs someone to believe in her. What do you all think?
Love ya,
Kasie
Her Science teacher said she put in for her to be in someone else's class next year. She keeps saying to me too (all year) that we should think about whether this is the right school for her. It upsets me everytime she says that. She's making it so obvious that she wants her gone.
I've heard stories about this teacher, let me tell you. I've talked to some of the other kids. Everybody hates her. They say she's crazy. My daughter said she thinks she's bipolar or something because she'll act all nice one minute and then flip out the next. She keeps telling my daughter that she's not doing any work and my daughter today reminded her that she just took a test and she said "Oh yeah". The whole thing is just weird. I've never had this kind of problem with a teacher before.
Crabby, could you please tell me a little more about what help you got for your daughter? After my daughter was diagnosed the Audiologist suggested she work with someone trained in APD and when I tried to get the insurance to cover that, they wouldn't. I tried to get an IEP done on her too at our local school district and they said even though they could tell she was weak in some areas that she wasn't bad off enough for Special Ed. It seemed every time I tried to get help for her, no one would help and doors closed.
I tried to tell this teacher that she was diagnosed with APD because she got all upset with her one day and said she wasn't listening to her. She didn't like that she had to repeat herself to her. I told her that she does better with written instructions than verbal because she doesn't always get it when it's verbal and sometimes she's afraid to say she didn't understand and then the teacher gets mad because she didn't get it. It didn't seem to matter that I told her that. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make excuses for her. If anything, I won't let her make excuses. I don't treat her differently. I expect her to do the work she's supposed to do. I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if it's too late to get her any help or not. She's never been an A student, always an average student but each year it gets harder and she's been doing worse. And the thing is, when she falls too far behind, she tends to just give up. I saw her do it last year in Science and again this year in Science. She just doesn't get it! I don't know what to do.
What worked for you? I'm afraid she might just give up all together and try to drop out of school. I won't let her do that, of course, but I can't believe a teacher would tell her that she's never going to make something of herself. You just don't say that to a kid or they will give up.
What do you mean about a study team? And what is a 504 plan?
Do you think there's a whole lot that can be done at her age? I mean she's 16 now. I even told her Science teacher about this and it didn't seem to make a hill of beans to her.
The thing is, she had an IEP done in 6th grade and they said even though she had some weak areas that she wasn't bad off enough to need Special Ed. So I guess there's not a whole lot else I can do except maybe hire a tutor. I did that a couple of Summers ago for Math and she did real well but it looks like she's slid back again. When she doesn't understand something she tends to give up rather than ask for help. It's frustating because I don't always find out right away how she's doing from the teachers.
I emailed 3 teachers back in December and only heard back from 2 and I called the guidance counselor twice and haven't yet heard back from him. I will try again today. Thanks for sharing your story. I will see what I can do.
Then I went to talk to her Science teacher and whole different story. I was just uncomfortable with her. She just seemed too faky to me. She asked what she could do for me and I told her that I just wanted to clear some things up. I told her that my daughter told me that she took her test away because she was taking too long and she didn't give her any credit for her. And she said that this was stuff she should have known and it took her 45 minutes to do the test and she didn't finish and she should have been able to finish it in 10 minutes. When I said that she has trouble with tests and may take longer she got impatient and said even if she had doubled the time she should still have been able to do it in 20 minutes. I told her that I didn't think it was fair to take the test and not give her credit and she got this look on her face and pursed her lips like she was mad and banged down this stack of papers she had in her hand! It took me aback. If she could show that kind of anger to me, a parent that I would think she'd try harder with, then how does she act with the students? I reminded her that I had told her that my daughter was diagnosed with APD and she interupted me and said that there was never anything left with the office on that and no proof of that. I told her that I turned in the paper to the office today and that I should have turned it in earlier but I partly didn't do it because I didn't want my daughter to use this as an excuse or a crutch. I see now I was wrong and should have turned it in sooner.
After saying this and after she had banged down the papers she immediately turned her attention to my daughter even turning in her chair and completely ignored me. She turned real syrupy sweet and started calling her Sweetie, and Hon, etc., asking her did she want to return to the school next year? She called her on being rude yesterday and again my daughter apologized and I directed her attention back to me by telling her that I wasn't going to tolerate my child being rude to anyone and that she was being disciplined for that. She just kind of smiled and turned back to my daughter and again began just talking to her. It kind of frustrated me because yes, I did want my daughter in there with us and I didn't mind her talking to her but I was the one who made the appointment to meet with her. She then said that she was recommending her to be in another Science class next year, that she thought they should take a break from each other. If this didn't tell me she can't stand my daughter, I don't know what else would!
The whole thing was weird. I just felt uncomfortable and defensive and stressed the whole time. I did not feel this way talking to her Math teacher. I'm starting to understand maybe what my daughter is talking about with this teacher.
I talked to my husband about whether I should talk to the principal about this because I did not like the way she treated me, but I'm worried that if I stir things up that she will just make my daughter's life miserable. I mean, she may have to have this teacher again sometime in high school for a Science class. I just don't know. And I'm afraid that the board or the principal would just side with the teacher anyway and I'd just be stirring up a hornets nest. After all, all she has to do is say my daughter's been nothing but a troublemaker in her class and that she refused to do her work. Granted, my daughter is no angel and I know that she just kind of gave up when she got too far behind and stopped trying. She also picked up her vibes from the very beginning that she didn't like her and so hasn't responded very well to that, I think.
Also, this is a charter school and I don't want her to be asked to leave. I've never been one to like confrontations but what do you all think? Do you think I should report this behavior to the principal? I just wish I knew if any other parents had complained about her. Then I'd be believed more. If I was the only parent to complain they may just think it's because she kicked her out of her class or that I'm just an overprotective parent or something. What do you all think? Should I say something or not?
I'm meeting with her guidance counselor tomorrow, hopefully. I tried to meet with him today but he was too busy. My daughter does like him and he's been real nice to her. I'm wondering if I should ask him what I should do.
Any suggestions?
Maybe you're right. I'll just take one day at a time and see if she has to take her class again or if she doesn't need to mess with her anymore. This charter school is a little different on their requirements for graduation and credits so it's still a little confusing to me. This is the first year the school started. I really do like it and want her to be able to stay. I just wish her Math teacher was staying. She really seemed to care about her and wants to see her succeed. Kids need someone to believe in.
Thanks for writing.
Would she be passing science if she got the grade she deserved on the test instead of a zero? I can understand the teacher taking the test up at some point, and saying that's all the time you get, and grading it as is. But to give her a zero - I can't see a principal standing up for that.
Third, I think she mischaracterized what her math teacher said. If you had such a good conversation with her, it sounds certain your daughter either didn't understand the conversation, or she was already so banged up by the science teacher that she lied about the math teacher. Which makes me wonder about the teacher's aid story, too.
All three of my kids have had teachers they clashed with - each child had only one. It's painful to watch, and only with one of the teachers do I REALLY regret not stepping in and putting a stop to it. I think you learn a lot having to deal with a "boss" who's a nut. Too much is too much, though.
Best wishes with your daughter. Hopefully next year will go better. Do you have the option to pay for outside tutoring for her?