my brother's suicide

[funnygirl1978]

I lost my little brother in February. he was 19. He committed suicide in my parents home... When it happened it was actually very crazy and all i could think was i didn't want my parents going home and seeing  where he had done it.. they had both been at work when he did it and were called to the hospital... So i called a local cleaning service and went out to the house to meet them so it could be cleaned before they got home... I had to go into the room and tell them what to keep etc..Ever since then i have nightmares about his life... It's like i see it from start to finish and actually watch him kill himself... It's only been 4 months.. and i know in grieving time that's not a long time... but i have some people around me that seem to think i should be over it and move on... When i hear the songs played at his funeral or see something that reminds me of him i tend to withdraw or bust in to tears..and then of course there are days that i am ANGRY to say the least... being 10 years older than him....i guess i feel like i didn't protect him... ok.. so i feel like i'm rambling now... basically... i'm a single parent... and dealing with grief and my kids... and everything else is really hard right now... is this normal?

[ComputerGeek]

What is normal , in grief, is what is normal for you.  It is insensitive for people to put across the idea that you should be putting it all behind you and moving on (and especially insensitive if they actually SAY things like that).

I took a grief counseling seminar at church - just to give me perspective and in case I could ever offer advice and they had a top ten list of things NOT to say to grieving people and the advice of putting it behind you and moving on was on that list.  Saying that DOESN'T help.

It is normal if a person heals after grieving for 6 months and it is normal if it takes a years.  There is no set standard.

I will tell you one thing for certain - getting counseling from a psychologist or some other counselor WILL be of tremendous help to assuage your fears and doubts.

Everything you are going through is normal.  The best thing I could do if I were there with you would be to hug you and cry with you and listen to you.  Even if you don't go to a counselor, see if you have a local friend who will share your grief with you.

[funnygirl1978]

Thank you so much... i appreciate your response.. i have talked with my dr and since my health insurance will not cover grief counseling she is looking for a local group that i could possiby get in... I have learned that just writing it down and talking about the hurt has helped.. It's nice to know i'm not going crazy.......I guess my main stress has been trying to take care of my parents since we live close to each other and then forgetting to stop and let myself grieve too and it just caught up with me... Thanks so much...  God Bless

[jml1986]

  Grief has no time line and anyone that says it does has never been through it. Suicide is a very hard death to deal with. There are so many unanswered questions that will forever remain unanswered. First thing you must do is stop blaming yourself. Sometimes there is no warning signs. You did a brave thing by helping with the cleanup but now you are paying the price, your mind will not let you forget. This is where you may need some help. There are counseling centers out there that are based on income. I know because my daughter is going to one. If that is not a possibility for you, talk to your doctor about giving you something to help you through the rough times. You don't have to stay on a medication for life, but sometimes they do help take the edge off so you can start rebuilding your life again.
  I want you to know that there is life after suicide. It can take awhile to get there, but you can get there. I know because I come from a family where 16 family members have committed suicide. Thankfully we now know that it is a genetic mental disorder in our family, however sometimes it comes on so fast that there is no time for them to seek help.
  I wish you and your family all the best, and if you need to talk, feel free it pm me.

[whatloveis]

I lost my Mother to Suicide 4 years ago. I cried every day for a year and I'm a pretty tough Irish Man. I also did some inner child work, and I already had Faith in God(which was the reason I got through it). The one thing about Suicide is that it don't make any sense. After a while the questions drove me nuts and the answers were irrelevant. My Mother was missing for 4 days and I thank God we found the Body, at least. I have known many people who committed suicide, and all I can say for sure is that IT WAS THE END for them, at least to them, it didn't have to make any sense to me because it doesn't.  I know of 2 families that have people missing from their lives. They know 99% that they are dead, but they cannot go to a funeral. I hate to say this again, but GOD IS THE ANSWER, that probably pisses you off but it is the truth. Join your local Church(a small one) and find people in there with similar experiences(there are many). I also agree with the other people here, TIME, TIME, TIME and counselling...

[teko]

All that you feel is normal. I also think it is much harder when you lose someone the way you lost your brother. When you know someone is ill with terminal cancer etc, some of the grief is started before they pass and gives you time to prepare for their passing. I lost my son about 8 years ago and still experience what you describe. It seems to come out of nowhere like you said, when a certain song comes on the radio or I saw someone that looked similar to him etc. You just do the best you can and remember that you are still living and try to tuck it in a secret place and try to not dwell on it as much as you can. Time helps, I do not think anything else does. Hang in there.

[Babybaw4]

First I would like to say I am sorry for your loss. I know that doesnt help but its unfortunate. When my fiance had hung himself in our home it was devasting which I did find him and that night is so vivid even though this coming Aug will be 4-years it remains in my head forever. I had a tough time, I felt alone at least without him I had my family and friends to comfort me but even then doesnt give you what you want. I immediately started to go to counseling, I ready many suicide books, I wrote in a journal which did help me express How I was feeling. I alos joined a Suicide Support Group locally at a church and that was very nice, sad meetings but very comforting to know your not alone. I joined many of groups online to Survivors or Suicide etc. As far as grieving there is no time limit its what your comfortable, dont let anyone tell you different. You will heal it will take time and I was told when this happened to me either way its on the table suicide is there and cant turn back. You have 2-ways of overcoming this, either live with it and learn to move on and go about daily life or wallow in your sorrows and he wins.. Which I decided to finally start living, just shopping was somthing I hated any type or enjoyment was tough but eventually it started getting easier. I created a whole new support system and all new friends, all the negative was out of my life.. Needless to say I am married now and  have a wonderful husband who I cant ask for anything more..

[temer]

my best friends little brother just commited suicide and i got a long lecture about how it is ok to cry and that suicide is such a selfish thing to do suicide should never be a resort although people seem to think it is  when a person does that they are only thinkig about themselves and about how the world would be better with out them but it is not i recently learned to be nicer to every one and always say i love you no mater what your wounds will take time to heel but its normal and i will be praying for you.

[SISSY8151892]

HI MY BROTHER COMMITED SUICIDE 3 YRS AGO. THERE ISNT ONE DAY I DONT THINK OF HIM.  THE SAME THING A SONG , A CERTAIN SMELL, ECT. AND I DONT WISH TO FORGET HIM. PEOPLE TEND NOT TO FEEL AS BAD WHEN THEY HEAR THE WORD SUIANDCIDE, OH WELL HOW SELFISH IS HE TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE. HE WAS STILL A HUMAN BEING. WE NEVER EXPECTED IT  FROM HIM. HE HAD EVERYTHING GOING FOR HIM.PEOPLE  HAVE SAID TO ME ,'' WOW YOUR A CANCER PATIENT AND YOUR HERE''. EVERYONE DEAL WITH THINGS DIFFRENTLY. THERE IS NO SET TIME TO GET OVER IT.IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE HAVING A PM CHAT FEEL FREE. TAKE CARE AND KNOW I AM HERE FOR YOU MABEY WE COULD HELP EACH OTHER. GOD BLESS!!!!