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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Reaction to death of loved one... normal or abnormal?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Reaction to death of loved one... normal or abnormal?
by concerned2008581, May 08, 2008 03:45PM
Hello Doctor:
I am a very successful 45 year old male, happily married with two boys and one girl. My Father passed away about six years ago. I grieved and moved on. My Mother, who had been sick for several years, passed away about a month ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about my health and how I was cutting my life short by my habits. I was overweight, smoked 2 packs a day, sedentary and did no exercise. I quit smoking at the first of the year and haven't had a cigarette in four months. I started exercising and watching what I eat, and despite my metabolism shift due to quitting smoking, I have lost 18 pounds. Depression runs in my family and I have been on Prozac and now Lexapro with great success.
Beginning almost immediately after my Mom's death, I began grappling with my own mortality. I grieved for my Mother but jast as bad I was obsessed with death, particularly my own. It was dibilitating the first week or so.
Well a month has passed and it has gotten better. I function pretty normally at work, but its with me most of the time... the depression and fear of death and the unknown. I look at people that are especially really old and I think, how can they be happy, when the end is so near for them? Sometimes I am will drift out of it, usually in concentration with work or TV and begin feeling normal again but then I hear something on TV and it sets me back into the dark cloud. I have also been forgetful lately, preoccupied almost.
Will this pass? Is this normal? I have sisters that are still struggling but it seems that they are more still grieving for missing our Mother. My issues seem to have warped in this self-indulging pity party. I have started going back to church and that helps some. Any thoughts or advice on what I should do would be appreciated. Thank you.
I am a very successful 45 year old male, happily married with two boys and one girl. My Father passed away about six years ago. I grieved and moved on. My Mother, who had been sick for several years, passed away about a month ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
Last year I spent a lot of time worrying about my health and how I was cutting my life short by my habits. I was overweight, smoked 2 packs a day, sedentary and did no exercise. I quit smoking at the first of the year and haven't had a cigarette in four months. I started exercising and watching what I eat, and despite my metabolism shift due to quitting smoking, I have lost 18 pounds. Depression runs in my family and I have been on Prozac and now Lexapro with great success.
Beginning almost immediately after my Mom's death, I began grappling with my own mortality. I grieved for my Mother but jast as bad I was obsessed with death, particularly my own. It was dibilitating the first week or so.
Well a month has passed and it has gotten better. I function pretty normally at work, but its with me most of the time... the depression and fear of death and the unknown. I look at people that are especially really old and I think, how can they be happy, when the end is so near for them? Sometimes I am will drift out of it, usually in concentration with work or TV and begin feeling normal again but then I hear something on TV and it sets me back into the dark cloud. I have also been forgetful lately, preoccupied almost.
Will this pass? Is this normal? I have sisters that are still struggling but it seems that they are more still grieving for missing our Mother. My issues seem to have warped in this self-indulging pity party. I have started going back to church and that helps some. Any thoughts or advice on what I should do would be appreciated. Thank you.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., May 08, 2008 04:18PM
, May 08, 2008 04:18PM
To: concerned
Yes, it will pass, and it is not self pity, but a very normal response. At your age you would be vulnerable to just what is happening to you even if it was not triggered by the death of your mother. When you lose a parent, at any age, it rips off a layer of safety insulation, exposes the fears of mortality which everyone must grapple with, and then you do the processing work you need to do to come to grips with mortality one more time,and a deeper level than before. If you can find my book Transformations, it will help you put this in perspective.
Thank you for you fast and thoughtful response. I am glad that what I am feeling is normal. That is comforting. I am the kind of person that needs to investigate and come to terms in my own way. I am reading after-death experience books, spiritual books, and more so that I can get a varied body of thought so I can put this to rest. Its almost like God is saying "you must come to terms with this before I give you any peace." I will definitely get your book, especially if it is available on Audio. The only "free"time I have anymore is usually when I am in the car traveling from an airport to some podunk town in the middle of no-where and audio books keep me company. Thanks again...
My mom died in January 2003 and 4 months later in May 2003 my father died suddenly of a heart attack while getting ready to preach in church. I greived and managed to pick up the pieces of my life and go on. In July 2007 my husband had a close brush with death when he had a hemorrhagic stroke. That is what did me in. I started thinking about my health and also about dying. Like you, I was (and still am) overweight, smoked but only about 7 cigarettes a day and led a very sedentary lifestyle. I also drank about 6 or 7 drinks three days a week. When I drink, I smoked more. Finally, I decided to quit smoking. So far it's been 2 months since I've had a cigarette or a drink. I've began to exercise a little. I'm slowly changing the way I eat. I, too, even started going back to church. I began to wonder if something was wrong with me because I started paying more attention to my little aches and pains. I became a "cyberchondriac". I would go online looking for answers to whatever symptoms I had. So far I've diagnosed myself as having Parkinsons, PAD, heart disease, GERD, and numerous other conditions. I've even went to the hospital out of fear of having a heart attack. I've also had a test for PAD and everything came back normal...results of the heart attack scare says my heart is ok. I've finally decided that I am ok and I try not to worry. I was so glad when I came across your question because I really thought I was literally going crazy because of the way I responded to my husbands stroke. At least now I know it's a normal thing to think about your own mortality after a loved one dies or comes close to dying.
Thanks again for posting and God bless!