Trust?

[someoneinvabch]

My fiance and I have been together for four years, but for some reason i can not trust him. he has never done anything in the past which would make me unable to trust him, but I think i'm paranoid because we used to hang out together with his friends all the time but now he doesnt want me to. they have parties all the time with alot of drinking, his best friend also has alot of girls where ever he goes (because he is single). another thing is that we arent as intimate as we were several months ago. i feel like he is lying to me sometimes or hiding something.

he gets so angry and frustrated when i bring up my feelings and concerns. he says he would never cheat on me, that i can trust him. but i can not get over the fact that there is a chance he could ruin our marriage before it even offically starts. i do not want to keep bringing it up, i'm afraid that if i nag him too much he will cheat. (since i already think he is he might as well attitude).  
i know what most people will say and think; that i am full of insecurities. but i am not, i am completely confident and love myself. that is why i do not know what to do. i have given it time but i am still mistrusful. how can i stop being so suspicious? or better yet, how can he gain my trust?    

[mayflowers]

I don't think that you are full of insecurities.  Something is up.  He may or may not have cheated, but it's clear he is going down a bad path.  Something isn't right if he wants to go drinking and hang out with guys who hang out with have girls hanging all over them and he doesn't want you to be there.  There's a reason he doesn't want you to be there:  Girls that hang out with guys who drink are looking for one thing - sex and wild times.

If he was really concerned about your feelings, he wouldn't be doing this to you.  Maybe he is not ready for marriage or maybe he thinks he should get his wildness out of his system before he gets married.   Whatever it is, he owes it to you to be honest about himself.

Also ,YOU need to decide if HE is the one for you.  Decide if you really want a guy who likes to drink and hang out with sluts and doesn't care about your feelings on the matter?  If it were me,  I'd be running for the hills.  Life is too short to waste it on people who don't treat you right.  

Listen to your gut on this one.  You're on to something.

[someoneinvabch]

thanks. but i know he is the one for me. i would not have invested all this time into him if he didnt treat me right.
*also his friends and him arent like getting drunk all the time. its just everytime they are hanging out and having a good time, drinking is involved. yes all those girls are huge sluts (i have met most of them). that is why my fiance says he never gets them a second thought.
i was just wondering if there are other ways for someone to gain your trust besides "time" (and the trust lean game).
my lack of trust is ruining our relationship... :(

  

[someoneinvabch]

*gives

[mayflowers]

Just tell him how it makes you feel when he goes out w/o you.  Then remind yourself everyday that he is with you and not with someone else.  After a while, it will become second nature to feel that way.  You might want to see a therapist to figure out why you have so much trouble trusting someone.  That type of issue usually runs deep and originates from childhood (i.e. father leaving or something like that).  Good luck.

[Agiesmom]

Honestly, I don't understand why you are certain he's the one for you if he is excluding you from his party time with friends and slutty girls.  That is a huge red flag and your gut is telling you something.

And you softened the story a bit when someone suggested that he's not the one for you.  In your original post, you said, "They have parties all the time with a lot of drinking."  And you went on to say that slutty girls are at these parties.  Do you not see that as really, really bad?  Especially since he won't let you be there?  Don't be so determined that this is right because you don't want to admit you've wasted your time.

WHY does he not want you around his friends and these sluts?  What possible reason could he have?  None that I could imagine would have any validity whatsoever.

I don't see trust as your issue.  If he were behaving like a man who is engaged, this wouldn't be a problem.  It's not like he's going to pick up movies and a pizza for the two of you and you are calling him the entire 20 minutes he's gone, asking him where he is and what he's doing.

He puts himself in a bad situation (alcohol and sluts = trouble) and then makes you think you have a trust issue?  Puh-leeze.

I know someone who wouldn't break off her engagement with her fiance who was a partier--she now loads the kids into the car at 1 a.m. to go looking for him because he turns off his cell phone.  His argument is that he can't hear it ring in the night club, so he just turns it off.  Nice.

Think about that...how will you feel one day when he wants to hang out with his friends and the sluts when you have a sick baby at home?  When will you stop being ok with this?

[RockRose]

I'm not seeing this as primarily a trust issue,  but rather he wants to socialize without you.  I TOTALLY get that if it's a guys night out - poker night,  motorcycle races,  whatever.  I get that.

But these are mixed parties.  Girls and guys.  And he doesn't want you there.

I'm not sure he's doing anything sexual with them - I think probably he isn't.  But he's leaving you home and going out to events where men and women go together,  except for you.

It's sad to say you've wasted time on this guy,  but not as sad as wasting MORE time.  

[teko]

Follow up on what your gut is telling you.  Deep down you know and you also no that no man is going to admit to anything unless caught in the act.  It may be that he enjoys the flirtation of the women or is still trying to act "single", around the other guys.  However, usually when a guy makes a committment and is about to get married they go out of their way to stay away from the very situations that you describe. I would also talk to him and see if this behavior is to remain the same after the wedding and if so, I would highly recommend you think twice about marrying him. It does not sound like he is committed and the anger is to shut you up, cause he does not want to hear it and is not going to stop. It is just a simple form of controlling you.

[someoneinvabch]

thanks for all of your input. but i just wanted to know what i could do to be able to believe him because i know he tells the truth about the things he does. i just want to be able to trust him 100% without second-guessing. i guess it just takes alot of time.i am staying with him no matter what so you guys can't think whatever you want because you don't really know him besides what i've told you. he isnt the type of guy who would have an affair, he WOULD feel guilty and tell me if he even did cheat. i know that for sure.  and he doesnt make me think i have a trust issue, i know i do.
*also i didnt soften the story. yes theres alot of drinking but my fiance doesnt get totally drunk like all his friends do  
and we are only engaged and don't plan to get married any time soon. so he isnt trying to party before he has to commit. he is already committed. we dont need a marriage certificate for that.
its not his partying i'm worried about i only used that as an example. i just want to be able to trust him when we arent together. he trusts me 100% and i just want to be able to give the same.

[treazzure007]

Then, it's just something you can decide to do.  What were we supposed to say to help?  You said you know he's legit.  My suggestions:  Maybe you're watching too much drama on t.v.  Maybe you could be secretly wishing for more drama in your relationship.