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Alcoholic, Living with an Community
This patient support community is for loved ones of people who drink and are trying to quit for discussions relating to abuse, behavioral issues, caring for yourself, counseling, divorce and separation, enabling, guilt, and when to get medical help.
Looking for an outlet
by Curious04, May 09, 2008 08:53AM
I am probably going to cause a lot of sparks with my post, just trying to get a better idea of my options.
Okay, I'm 22 years old living at home because of college and my father is an alcoholic. I never thought he was until after I graduated high school went to basic training and then came home to find my dad had really changed. We use to go to friends and drinks and that was always fun, never had a problem. Over the last four years he has really gone downhill, he makes no sense, comes home drunk and finds anything and everything to complain about and is even getting forgetful, not to mention he's always complaining of some type of stomach problem and he looks pregnant (famous beer belly). The thing is he is in strong denial and has adapted a morning dependecy not just beer like bloody mary's and JD. There is no talking to him anymore. My father and I use to be really close and after he came home drunk and criticized everything about me and acts like the world is out to get him I just can't hold a conversation with him anymore and it's really hurtful. If i try to talk to him about it sober or not he turns it around to saying I really hurt his feelings. It's been like that for almost 2years now.
The situation has yet worsend. My mother is completely against drinking and of course my father hides it, until he come home and can't hide it and then it usually turns into a big blow out. Well, back in November I was pulled over and had been drinking, yes of course I was arrested for a dui. I wasn't drunk but had enough in me, ( I was pulled over for not having my lights on, something I always do) I was out and just wanted to go home and go to bed, I should've just waited another half an hour and I woudn't be in the situation I am now. Not point into going into that I made a bad choice and I have accepted the consequences.
I thought my mom was going to freak out on me, she didn't. She has of course said you've done this to yourself....but I know you dont have a problem and don't drink that much unlike your father, you'll get through this just fine. Coming from my mom this really shocked me. I have found out that she was hoping my situation would help my father realize how easy it is even when you are attempting to me (somewhat) responsible and careful. It has not and instead my fathers drinking of course has only gotten worse. After he picked me up, I asked him if he was disappointed, I was told no, things happen. WHAT!?! I mean granted anything anyone can say to me can not amount to the disappointment I have in myself but still, aren't parents supose to say something?
I am not sure what my real issue is with all of this. I have been court order to go through a few classes and be on probation. ( I have no counseling and am not interested in seeking any for personal reasons) The classes really opened my eyes and the whole time the only thing I could think of was my dad and how his alcoholism has affected us. He told my mom that he knows who started me drinking, I never drank regularly until I started drinking with him ( she does not know this, and I want to save her the pain of that) After it first happened he was all about helping me out and everything, I stuck to it that I did this to myself and will make it through it on my own. I of course lossed my license for a time period and that has been the only time I have gone to anyone for help, transportation to work and classes. My dad has gone to my mom saying I've asked him for money and how he refused to give it to me, this never happened and never will.
I know I'm at risk for alcoholism because of my father and have always known that and everything that has happened up to this point has really enforced my want to not turn out like that. I am disguisted with myself and yes I do kind of blame him alittle bit and know he feels guilty but I find I am more disguisted in him. Sometimes I wish probation would come and check on me when his in one of his drunken rants so he could be right where I am and maybe some type of intervention would be to save his health and his family.
My mother and I talk more now about his situation and the affects of it. As much as my dad thinks that I am dependt on my parents my mom sees that I am not that and that I working really hard. I graduated college in June, have been working the same job for almost 3years, am starting to look for another part job and as it is looking I will be released from being monitored by the court system early. Stuff is really going to get deep after I graduate in June and when the cold hard fact of me moving becomes a reality whether it be earlier then planned or in the fall. I feel that the only way to break away from all of this is to walk away and never look back, I really do not want to do that but I can't see it any other way. Suggestion, advice and opinions or any similiar situations?
Okay, I'm 22 years old living at home because of college and my father is an alcoholic. I never thought he was until after I graduated high school went to basic training and then came home to find my dad had really changed. We use to go to friends and drinks and that was always fun, never had a problem. Over the last four years he has really gone downhill, he makes no sense, comes home drunk and finds anything and everything to complain about and is even getting forgetful, not to mention he's always complaining of some type of stomach problem and he looks pregnant (famous beer belly). The thing is he is in strong denial and has adapted a morning dependecy not just beer like bloody mary's and JD. There is no talking to him anymore. My father and I use to be really close and after he came home drunk and criticized everything about me and acts like the world is out to get him I just can't hold a conversation with him anymore and it's really hurtful. If i try to talk to him about it sober or not he turns it around to saying I really hurt his feelings. It's been like that for almost 2years now.
The situation has yet worsend. My mother is completely against drinking and of course my father hides it, until he come home and can't hide it and then it usually turns into a big blow out. Well, back in November I was pulled over and had been drinking, yes of course I was arrested for a dui. I wasn't drunk but had enough in me, ( I was pulled over for not having my lights on, something I always do) I was out and just wanted to go home and go to bed, I should've just waited another half an hour and I woudn't be in the situation I am now. Not point into going into that I made a bad choice and I have accepted the consequences.
I thought my mom was going to freak out on me, she didn't. She has of course said you've done this to yourself....but I know you dont have a problem and don't drink that much unlike your father, you'll get through this just fine. Coming from my mom this really shocked me. I have found out that she was hoping my situation would help my father realize how easy it is even when you are attempting to me (somewhat) responsible and careful. It has not and instead my fathers drinking of course has only gotten worse. After he picked me up, I asked him if he was disappointed, I was told no, things happen. WHAT!?! I mean granted anything anyone can say to me can not amount to the disappointment I have in myself but still, aren't parents supose to say something?
I am not sure what my real issue is with all of this. I have been court order to go through a few classes and be on probation. ( I have no counseling and am not interested in seeking any for personal reasons) The classes really opened my eyes and the whole time the only thing I could think of was my dad and how his alcoholism has affected us. He told my mom that he knows who started me drinking, I never drank regularly until I started drinking with him ( she does not know this, and I want to save her the pain of that) After it first happened he was all about helping me out and everything, I stuck to it that I did this to myself and will make it through it on my own. I of course lossed my license for a time period and that has been the only time I have gone to anyone for help, transportation to work and classes. My dad has gone to my mom saying I've asked him for money and how he refused to give it to me, this never happened and never will.
I know I'm at risk for alcoholism because of my father and have always known that and everything that has happened up to this point has really enforced my want to not turn out like that. I am disguisted with myself and yes I do kind of blame him alittle bit and know he feels guilty but I find I am more disguisted in him. Sometimes I wish probation would come and check on me when his in one of his drunken rants so he could be right where I am and maybe some type of intervention would be to save his health and his family.
My mother and I talk more now about his situation and the affects of it. As much as my dad thinks that I am dependt on my parents my mom sees that I am not that and that I working really hard. I graduated college in June, have been working the same job for almost 3years, am starting to look for another part job and as it is looking I will be released from being monitored by the court system early. Stuff is really going to get deep after I graduate in June and when the cold hard fact of me moving becomes a reality whether it be earlier then planned or in the fall. I feel that the only way to break away from all of this is to walk away and never look back, I really do not want to do that but I can't see it any other way. Suggestion, advice and opinions or any similiar situations?
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Your mom seems very supportive of you. Try explaining to her how you're feeling. If she can't/won't understand, then just draw some boundaries, e.g. I'd like to visit you mom, but how about just me and you - no dad. The one negative to walking away is that you're going to punish your mom too. Work out a system between the two of you to maintain your relationship as best you can, even with the move.
Don't make your future happiness rely on your father suddenly realizing what a capable and independent person you've become, or realizing how much alcohol has damaged your relationship with him. Until he's willing to admit that he has an alcohol problem, he's believing that his beer-goggle vision is reality. Make your future for YOU.
I'd also suggest reading "Adult Children of Alcoholics", or googling the term to read up on how to cope with what you're feeling. Not everything will apply directly to you, but the reading will help provide some insights into the "how" and "why" you're feeling like you have to just leave. And know this: there are many people with imperfect relationships with their parents. There are many people who estrange from family members because there's just too much water under the bridge. You are not a bad child for needing to distance yourself for your own sanity.
My dad is also an alcoholic, and these were some of the things I had to learn and accept before making the decision to break away. Good luck.