emotionally unhealthy relationship but sex is very satisfactory

[Pola120]

I am puzzled, confused and longing to understand/find explanation about myself- I have been living in with a partner for 6 years. We have a daughter. This man was my first boyfriend and childhood sweetheart. We parted ways in college and eventually took separate lives, and both raised our respective families. We met and divorced our respective partners and reunited to raise our (new) family. He realy swept me off my feet, and it was an overwhelmingly blissful relationship the second time around. The attraction was magnetic, to say the least. In the beginning. Then his true character unfolded before me when we lived together. While being  responsible, nice gentleman, he also has another (sick, evil) side, which comes out from time to time. I was shocked, disillusioned, unprepared and felt betrayed when I saw his "other" charcter because I trusted and believed him and left my first family when he wooed me back. But because I became really attached to this person, and the attraction is really strong, plus we have a daughter, I stayed on and stick it out, learned to study his charcater, coped and negotiated with him. His psychological abuse lessened and is more managed now, but stll, his overall personality and relationship fell short of my expectations based on what he originally presented to me. Meanwhile, with him, my sexuality was awakened and was very satisfactory. I was inorgasmic before, but now I am multiorgasmic. The best part of my relationship with him is the physical intimacy. It feels like his and my body are really completely compatible and just know each other completely well, and totally comfortable with each other. My confusion is- HOW CAN THIS BE SO, WHEN EMOTIONALLY, WE ARE NOT REALLY THAT CLOSE? He is a bit sort of distant    and withdrawn emotionally. ALso, I have adapted to his way of relating and sort of gave up trying to be really intimate with him. But our sex is just really great- both of us experience very pleasured by each other. Yet mentally, interest-wise, we just get along casually. Personally, on relationship side, I find it very wanting. I acnnot understand myself how I could have that split. Please anyone, is there any sense to this?

[Agiesmom]

I don't think this is that uncommon--the whole "bad boy" thig...it's sex for the sake of sex--no love or romance involved--it's exciting, unpredictible, emotionally detached, but still passionate, in a wondering what to expect sort of way (both emotionally and physically).

That said, don't think that the only person you will ever climax with will be him--I think that once you have experienced that, you really know your body on a different level and you can experience it with others.

There are good, loving, kind, consistent, dependable, emotionally availabe men with whom you can have passion--and orgasms.  The question is...will you ever choose someone like that to be with or will you continue to seek abusive and emotionally unavailable men?

[AJH84]

Have you two been to any type of marriage/relationship counseling?

I can see how your situation works enough for you to stick with it, although very unhealthy. Think of the relationship like the type of diet you could choose: a very healthy diet, where you get all your needed nutrition, stay at a healthy weight, and have overall good medical health versus a diet of junk food, which is pleasing to taste and generally cheap to get, but the long term effects are extremely unhealthy for you. Both types of diets are something you can live on, but one is definitely better for you whereas the other one has the *potential* to cause all sorts of damage or even death. The unhealthy diet may do no damage at all, but you know you can't go wrong with the healthy diet.
So I can see how this relationship is "working" for you right now. But you can have a relationship that's emotionally AND physically good for you (and consider how you think he might treat your daughter as she gets older) if you are proactive and seek help to fix what you've got or leave what you've got.
It's up to you.

[teko]

In my unprofessional opinion, I cannot see the sex lasting if the emotional side is lacking. It will get you by for a while, but the resentment of not being able to relate on an emotional level and enjoy life as a compatible couple will eventually ruin the sex. Lots of people are attracted to each other in a sexual way but have nothing more in common. When the sex wears off, they usually run to divorce court, wondering what they ever saw in each other in the first place.

[treazzure007]

Good sex only is only good until some significant events or obstacles come up in your lives and you both cant touch common ground together.

[Jaybay]

I'm a bit confused.  On the one hand, he's a responsible, nice gentleman with whom you have great sex but no emotional connection. On the other hand, he is "sick" and "evil".   I want to hear more about this "evil" side you mentioned only once.  Evil is a dam strong word.  Sure, counseling can help you both do better emotionally, but if there is true evil in this man toward you, how can you even consider staying with him - much less with your daughter?  What exactly is going on?