Help

[dizam]

before me and my girlfriend started going out i had sex with another girl. i really liked my girlfriend and she really liked me when i did this. i never did such a thing again. was this considered cheating? i think it was very wrong what i did and i cant cope with it. its eating me inside. what should i do? how can i deal with this without letting her find out?

[Agiesmom]

Are you splitting hairs?  If you both really liked each other and spent time together, weren't you really, in fact, going out at that time?  Or did you justify having sex with someone else by telling yourself that it somehow wasn't "official" with your girlfriend?

This is a matter of integrity to me.  I'm wondering...if you have a fight this weekend and storm off, would that mean that you can go out and have sex with someone else by telling yourself that you thought you were broken up with your girlfriend?  I've heard of people doing this--I actually worked with a guy who would have a fight with his girlfriend and break up when he wanted to go out with someone else.

There's no "technicality" involved here, imo.  I'm wondering why you don't tell her.  If you weren't yet together, there shouldn't be a problem.  If you weren't going out with your girlfriend at the time, why do you feel guilty?

I think guilt is pretty telling...it's a moral compass for me--if I feel guilty about something, it's usually because I SHOULD.

If you were to tell your girlfriend tonight, how do you think she'd react?  Was the other girl you had sex with someone you see on a regular basis?  Is she someone who hangs out in your circle?  Or was it a stranger or someone else you will likely never see again?  Also, how did this other girl view your sexual encounter?  Did she know you for a while and was she under the impression that you liked her and that she would likely see you again?  Or was she just having sex with you with no intentions of seeing you again?

[dizam]

commercial sex worker, i havent had any relations with my girlfriend yet... and i used protection and ive been tested for stds and hiv and tested negative thankfully. but i still feel anxiety from this whole thing.

[Agiesmom]

Ok...I'm thinking if you tell her you were with a prostitute while courting her, she'll be done with you.  So, I don't know what to tell you.  Just wondering...why did you do it?  Were you drunk?  Did you seek it out?  Was it a one-time thing?

The fact that you are feeling so guilty and awful about it is a good thing.  Are you certain you are clean?  Don't you have to wait 3 months or something (maybe longer?) to be certain about HIV?

[dizam]

i got tested after 5 months, i was high on marijuana, we were just in a fight because she was crying over her exboyfriend having sex with other girls, im 99.9% im clean since the test came back negative after 5 months, she has resolved all of her issues with her ex since i made her stop talking to him, and it was a 1 time thing.

[Agiesmom]

I'm sorry...I can't be objective here.  I'm trying, but I just can't.  I don't understand doing drugs or having sex with a prostitute--no matter what the circumstances--so I think you should tell her and give her the choice to move on to find someone who doesn't do those sorts of things.  It sounds like she has been hurt in the past and is subconsciously choosing men who will hurt her (and it will hurt her when she finds out what you've done).  I don't know any woman who would be ok with the fact that her boyfriend or husband has been with a prostitute.  And it's not like this occurred a long, long time ago in your past and now you are a very different person.  It was only 5 months ago and occurred while you were trying to start a relationship with her.  While it is a good thing that you are trying to make sure you are relatively disease-free before being with her, I think she deserves to know.

What this comes down to is this: if you love her or care at all about her, you'll tell her and let her make a decision about it on her own--if you don't truly love her and it's all about you and getting what you want, you won't tell her.  You have a chance to do the right thing after doing some really wrong things.

[teko]

Well, this is a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. No matter what the reasoning behind it, what you did is wrong. Period. So, with that said you only have two options here. 1. Tell her and take the consequences, no matter what they may be or, 2. Keep it to yourself and let your guilt consume you. It is a lose lose situation and you have to decide which way you lose the most.  If your girlfriend finds out, she will probably dump you but hey, look at the glass half full.  If she dumps you, you can visit the prostitute again guilt free. Good Luck.

[hope_for_more]

Option 3. If you hadn't made an agreement with your gf not to see other people when this happened, then how about try to figure out why you did it and learn from it.  Then do better in the future.

[dizam]

yeah at this time she always used to say things of that matter (option 3) she'd be like i can talk to whoever i want your not my boyfriend etc etc she'd say things like that for the first 3-4 months. this incident occured at about 3 months. so in that case, i should feel bad for what i did because it was wrong. im not going to do anything of the sort again i assure you of that. its not the guilt im having trouble dealing with i dont really care for that. its the anxiety that i exposed myself to getting an STD or something. ive been tested and everything came back negative thankfully. im just a parnaoid person and still think that i may have std's :S i have more of an OCD paranoia problem than a relationship problem.

[omanlover]

i think you should be honest! find a nice way, time,... to tell her! i believe you would like to know if she did so! how will you feel if you discover it by yourself! did you think of  the possibility she know from other source! you will have no chance to explain then!

[BearHitch]

I agree with Aggiesmom.  And I echo that you should tell your girlfriend - you don't seem to know if you were "together" or not and I am sure how she reacts will confirm how she felt at that time.  Also, the fact that you slept with a prostitute and got high because you were having a fight.... not a good sign.  Get help.

[dizam]

not even... im not going to do that... theres no proof... it could be all hearsay... who could she find out from... no connection. and the things ive done with her... when i tell my friends i tell them ive done it with another girl, to spare her name and she knows this. so yeah, im in the clear, im just not going to do it again. thanks for your help tho.