Cell Phone/Email

[worriedparent47]

Recently I have begun going through my daugher's emails (she's 12).  She does not know that I have been reading her emails, and I don't know whether I should confront her about some stuff that I read or should I respect her privacy.  At 12 years old, should she have private emails or should she know that anything she sends by email/text message will be monitored?

I am just concerned for her because she has been "boyfriend/girlfriend" with a nice boy for around 2 years now (they are going out on their first date next friday).  But she's been recieving almost 3 emails a day from a manipulative boy who is trying to break them up because he is obsessed with her...the thing is, she seems obsessed with him, too.  I was hoping to talk with her about how the boy is trying to break up her relationship with the nice boy...so that she can see he's not really a true friend.  BUt I don't want her to feel violated by me in the process...

What should I do?

[April2]

It depends on how close you are to your daughter. I'd try to keep open communication with her and treat this lightly. If you don't already, I'd talk to her each day when she gets home from school and ask about her day and what happened, etc. See if she'll open up to you on her own. I'm not against looking at the emails of our teens but I think I'd let her know you're doing it. We have a spyware on our computer we put on years ago when my then little boy looked at some porn. We told them right away that we were doing this and would be monitering what they were doing on the computer and that if we saw anything innappropriate, they'd be banned from the computer. I also let my daughter have a Myspace but I warned her that I needed the password and that I'd be checking that from time to time and also her friends and that she might want to warn them. I don't feel bad about that. Myspace isn't something private anyway. We have to protect our kids.
So far, I don't see your daughter doing anything wrong, though. She does need to learn to stand up for herself and her beliefs, though. So you might want to have that type of conversation with her. I'm curious, though, why she's being allowed to date at 12 years old? That seems awfully young. Even if it's all in innocence, it just seems that kids now days grow up too fast as it is. At 12 she should be hanging out with her friends, doing sports, etc. There's plenty of time to have a relationship with a boy. I don't think they really know how to handle it at this age or even older, for that matter. I told both of my kids they had to wait until they were 16 to date but that they could go to the mall, etc. with groups of friends at 15. Maybe I'm overprotective, I don't know.
Anyway, just talk to her. Keep talking to her and see if she'll open up to you. Encourage her that you're always there for her to come to with her problems, etc. She needs to know she can trust you. Like I said, it doesn't sound like she's really done anything wrong at this point. Our jobs as parents is to try and guide our children and teach them and warn them and then send them out into the world and hope and pray that they listened to us! They will make good choices and bad choices and we just have to be there to pick up the pieces when they make bad choices and hope they learned from them. This is hard to do, I know, but they really do need to learn to make their own choices.
I hope any of this helps. I know parenting isn't easy! But we just have to do the best we can and hope that they will take a little of what we teach them with them and make wise choices. Best wishes.

[crabby70]

My daughter is 13 and I read her emails, texts messages....I watch her on the computer and on her myspace...but I have told I am going read and watch her...she was mad at first but I only say something when I see something bad....at first she like I was invading her privacy...if I don't want her to know something I read...I start by saying when I was your age and put it to her situation.....I tell her I am here to guide her and teach her right from wrong...I want her to be able to come to me.....it is a very tough age....

[RockRose]

Worried,  I think your daughter is dating WAY too early!!

If she's had a steady boyfriend for 2 years and is going on a "date" with him but is obsessed with another boy who is trying to "break them up" - this is WAY too much for a 12 year old!  Is she in 6th grade?  

She needs to be hanging out with her girlfriends right now - not going on single dates with a boyfriend.  Is there a lot of dating going on in your family that would push her to do this so soon?

[Agiesmom]

I, too, am stunned that your 12-year-old is going on a date and has had a boyfriend for two years.  That is really young.  My son is 12 and there is no way he'd ever go on a date or even have a girlfriend at this age.  My cousin's daughter is 12, too, and she's growing up way too quickly--and when I talked to her mother about it, she said, "What can I do...all her friends wear tons and make-up and have boyfriends."  Uh...then she's choosing the wrong friends.  Even more cause for alarm.

Privacy, imo, happens when you are 18 and either in college full-time, paying for your own computer and internet connection, or working and living on your own.  Her conversations with friends aside, do you have any idea what would happen if she or one of her friends were to look up something on your computer that is illegal?

Twelve-year-olds shouldn't date or have privacy, imo.

[VOR]

First:  this is IMHO:
I struggle with issues like this, but in a different way.  I am a drug prevention specialist.  I deal with kids all the time and I see many who are given (imo) too much leeway in what they do b/c their parents don't want conflict.  You are the parent, not the friend.  We don't have kids for their sake; it's purely selfish; no one asked the child if they wanted to be born; we did it for our own self satisfaction.  Because of this, it is our responsibility to ensure they are brought up in the right way and taken care of.  

You need to set limits and enforce those limits.  At her age, she is testing the waters.  She is also looking for acceptance from her peers (boys and girls).  The problem is that kids view what's important differently than adults.  This is why so many kids start using drugs.  They don't understand the short and long-term implications of their actions.

I have two boys, 10 and 12.  They have limited access to the Internet, no cell phones, and we just recently purchased our first game system (a Wii).  For the longest time, I questioned whether I was being too strict.  I wrote a journal entry on this.  But in the long run, I have to ask myself if I'm doing everything I can to make sure my kids grow up to be good people.  And guess what, my kids are still alive and well, even without all the other things "everyone else has".  

One last interesting point:  studies show that when kids got to middle school, parental involvement drops off significantly from that of when the kids were in elementary school.  Parenting should not slow down or stop as kids get older.  As parents, we need to be more involved in our kids lives as they get older.

You are the parent, don't feel guilty about doing what you are supposed to be doing, being a parent.

Good luck.