Advice Please - Mom's wish

[Searching48507]

Ladies,

I have been the primary caregiver for my mom.  For Mother's Day for the last 11 years, we have gone on a trip with my best friend and her mom for mom/daughter time.  Well, this year with my mom's illness, it has been very tentative.  My mom told me last night that she really wants to go, but is in so much discomfort that she doesn't think she can.  I told her no problem, there's plenty of time.  She wants us to go without her.  She thinks that I need a break and she doesn't want to spoil this for everyone.  I just feel like I'm abandoning her but I also think she's right and that I do need a break.

Your thoughts?

[Shari4444]

I remember, well, when my mom was dying and much the same situation came up. Now, I can only tell you how I handled it.....I still did the activity without her, but cut it short. We then spent a couple of hours together watching old family movies (no DVDs back then). I don't know you, honey, but I can imagine if you have been one of the only care-givers for your mom, you deserve a break! I hope you decide to go, and have a good time. Take pictures and when you get back, share the day with your mom. It will, almost, be like she was there, after all.You are NOT abandoning her, just taking some much needed time for yourself. Have a nice Mother's Day and please enjoy yourself for a few hours.

Hugs,
Shari

[Jan214]

Living your life is NOT abandoning your mom.  We feel really badly when our loved ones have to change plans so please go and have a good time.  If you have a camcorder take it along and so she can see the trip.  I would like that if it were me.  I don't want my girls giving up their life because I can't do stuff.  Also, if your mom is having "discomfort" maybe she should look into better pain meds.  Sometimes we forget we have those resources and just live with it.  I don't take my pain meds, but last night I was out with my family and trying not to look like I was in pain and I popped two hydros and was great and had a good time once they kicked in.  There are so many more things we could do if they would get our pain meds right.  They make me feel guilty about taking them.  I hope your mom's chemo nurses aren't like that.
Good luck to you and have a good time on your trip.  As a mom I know that is what your mom wants also.
Kindest Regards,
Jan

[butterflytc]

I agree with Shari and Jan, Just recently I had planned a trip to meet up with my b/f in Florida for a vacation (he had driven down ahead of time with his brother, for  a motorcycle run. I was to fly down later and meet him for a 3 wk. holiday) instead 2 days before I was to fly out, I ended up in the hospital. He wanted to return home to be here for me, as he is my primary care giver. I explained to him that I would be more hurt if he did not stay and enjoy the vacation. Caregivers cannot be there for others, if they do not take care of themselves first. The trip did him a lot of good, he was able to spend time with his brother, and soon we will both be heading down together, to pick up where we left off.
     Your mom knows what is best for her, as well as what is best for you right now too.
you will return, relaxed and therefore be of better help to her when she needs you. When she feels better suggest just the two of you taking off on your own for one on one time. perhaps just to some place not too far from home, even if for day trips, (we head off on day trips, and I bring my morphine with me, just in case I will need it)
     If you decide to go...enjoy! your mom would be much happier knowing her daughter is having a nice time.
all the best
butterflytc

[crecco]

I agree with the others. You most definately deserve a break, no matter how small. Go, enjoy yourself and then you can come home and spend time with your mom. I am saying this from a moms point of view. We know that you mean well, but sometimes we just need a little time to ourselves. So it may be that she just wants to spend a little time by herself also. If you want maybe come home a little early and fix a special supper for her or something like that.
  Love Chris

[marie3B]

Well, it looks like we are all in agreement on this one.  Shari's idea of sharing photos after is great.  Jan is correct to suggest that maybe more could be done to ease her discomfort.  Butterfly is right about mom knowing best. Chris is right that planning a little special supper afterward would be nice. What more is there for me to add?  Nothing, except to tell you to enjoy yourself and know that your mom will be happy if you do.
Marie

[silver&gold]

Hi,
I can understand your thought pattern but a few hours away to recharge your  batteries can only be a good thing !!. Your mum wants to see that you are happy too and you can share your day with her when you return . Caregivers are angels and are worth their weight in gold!!. Hope you have a nice day .

Best wishes Angie

[Searching48507]

Thanks everyone.  I am spending tonight at my mom's house with her and will have breakfast with her and then head to the airport.  She refuses to take the higher dose pain meds because they cause her constipation and are worse than dealing with the discomfort.  She can be stubborn...  However, after being here for the last 10 hours, I can see that she can rest a couple of hours at a time, she's eating and drinking and really wants me to continue the annual tradition.  So be it.  I will get on the plane with our friends and have a nice trip.  Hopefully since this is her off week for chemo, she may be strong enough upon my return for me to get her out for a little mini-vacation even if it's at the local Holiday Inn with room service.  Thanks for the kind words.  When you are a giving, loving person, it's very easy to lose sight of your own needs:-)  Hugs and kisses to all of you.  

Karen

[butterflytc]

Have fun Karen~

[SimplyStar]

I see you mention constipation, my daughter fought this with her chemo pain and the pain pills, until she started taking Mirolax  , it is an OTC  drug  and has been a God Send to Leslee, she is regular now and no more constipation.  Just a suggestion, this is one of the oldest normal laxatives and is widely used.   Good Luck on your trip and hope your mother is well while you are gone.  marty

[Jan214]

Yes, I agree with Marty, it would be better for her to get the constipation under control and take the pain meds.   I use the Miralax and Senna Plus which is a stool softener.  Also, I eat yogurt every morning and I think that helps.  Avoiding heavy foods and sticking with a high fiber high protein diet can help also.  I use a whey protein mix.  When I first went to the nurtritionist she said that all cancer patients need a MINIMUM of 75 grams of protein a day.  It isn't so hard if you eat right.  A piece of salmon has like 35...Not that you can eat salmon everyday.  If she could cotrol the constipation and her pain, I think she would find her quality of life greatly improved.

[sunticku]

Karen, have a good time !! It will definitely make your mom happy too.

About her constipation, can she handle lentil soup ? Lentils are good source of protein as well as fiber. Prunes are also good choice for fiber-rich snack.

Happy Mother's Day !!

[kimmywah]

Hi Karen,

You go and have a great day, you deserve it... And then one day when your Mum is feeling up to it, plan another special mothers day for her and you.

Much love and peace....Kim