How to approach new relationships with abstinence in mind

[kathryn80]

I'm fairly newly divorced and am new at the dating game... my first two relationships out of divorce were not serious and I realized that I don't want to have casual relationships... they are not healthy for me.  What I really want is to find men who are gentlemen enough to become friends and date "old-school" (i.e. no sex before marriage) and develop a trusting, lasting relationship where I can truly give my heart and confidence to someone.  Does this exist?  It seems every man I meet wants to have sex ASAP.  I'm just not in tune with that.  Thoughts on how to meet men with the same ideals?  Do they exist?  
Thanks!

[txsilver]

Bravo for defining what you want!  There are men like this in the world.  Among other ways, you can find them through churches or through Christian dating programs.   Good luck to you!

[BearHitch]

I agree that there are many men like this in the world- more than society wants you to think  :)  You could try Eharmony.com, just for thoughts.  You could get involved in a local church's single program also.  Once getting out of college I never realized how difficult it was to meet people of like ideals either- DH and I met on the internet :)

[teko]

Internet dating sites, will screen you and match yu to people with the same values, interests etc. Church would be a good starting point also.

[treazzure007]

Men are whatever you allow them to be.  If you demand the presence and courtesy of a gentleman in your dating and relationships, thats what youll get.  Dont enter into the dating realm with the mindset of pleasing a man, let them do what comes to them naturally and do the winning over and pleasing a lady.  When you do meet one that you find interesting, dont hesitate to let him know what types of goals and plans you want in your future.  Dont settle for less along the way.  Worked for me-and my husband's wonderful!

[jo929]

it seems most men, think that if you are divorced, you are willing, just say no and rell them how you feel   luck  jo

[ComputerGeek]

I actually lost my virginity to a divorced woman and I WAS the sort of guy that wanted to wait until marriage.  But I was 24 and she seduced me!  I only say this so that you will realize that there ARE guys out there of the same mind set as you.

Actually, when I was dating much later, a woman made it clear to me that she wasn't into casual relationships.  Not so much an issue about sex (but not wanting casual sex either).  What she meant was that she basically didn't want to date anyone not wanting to get into a serious relationship with her.  So we dated for a few months and then I married her!!!  LOL  (We are still together too.)

[kathryn80]

Thanks for your words of encouragement and suggestions!  I'll keep my hopes up for sure;)  

When is the best time to introduce the topic, or just to inform a date that I'm not willing to have casual sex?  Would it be right off the bat - 1st date?  Or would you wait and see if there's a 2nd date granted he doesn't assume the 1st will end up in the bedroom?

[ComputerGeek]

Pretending that I am the guy wanting a date with you...  I think mentioning this topic on the very first date would make me think that you are a little strange UNLESS you are really having a tender moment and feel close and mention that your previous dates ended because the guys seemingly were only interested in getting you into bed as soon as possible and that is not what you are after.  That would, in my mind at least, mitigate the abrupt mention of the topic.  Otherwise I would wait until later.  I wouldn't actually set a time limit on it (2nd date, 3rd date, etc.).  I would just mention it whenever it seems appropriate - especially if things are heating up between you and your date.

[kathryn80]

Good thoughts... I guess it is really a situational thing.  

[jo929]

The best time to tell him, how you feel is,When he brings up the topic, then there will be no doubts.  luck   jo