14-Year Old Boy - Distancing Himself from All Family

[lincam]

My son since he was about 11 and is now 14 is distancing himself from the family.  When he is around us, he looks glum.  He is a straight A student at school and has friends, but does not want to attend his 8th grade graduation dinner dance, picnic, and says sometimes that he won't go out with friends because he is bored.  There are some legitimate excuses.  He doesn't enjoy dancing and his chest is different than other boys so I can understand why he will not go to the picnic which has swimming.  He is extremely unresponsive, says this is how he just is and does not want to answer uncomfortable questions and says everything is okay.  My only glimmer of hope is that he does act a little bit more social around friends and will even smile, which he hardly ever does around us.  I can't understand this since we are very good to him, we are not strict, we give him space.  We do everything we can within reason for him.  He is a good kid, but he seems to either be uncomfortable around us or dislike us.  It could be jealousy of his 8 year-old sister, but he will not open up or speak to us, it makes him uncomfortable.  Today is Mother's Day and he couldn't even remember or think of wishing me a good day.  It hurts, a lot of friends tell me it is a phase, but this has been going on since he was 11 and now he will almost be 15.  I want to send him to therapy, but I am scared that will push him even further away.  Any thoughts?

[crabby70]

I think therapy is worth a shot...seems like he is keeping alot of things in....is he involved in sports or anything?....you say his chest is different...maybe things like that might be bothering him more because he is in puberty...liking girls feeling uncomfortable..... If not talking to a therapist then maybe someone he looks up....best of luck

[April2]

14 - ugh! I hated that age with my kids! I think it was the worst age!
A lot of this sounds pretty normal. It's normal for a boy his age to start to  distance himself from his family. Really, it's to be expected. It's part of the growing up process. This is just such a difficult age. They're trying to figure out who they are. They're not really a child anymore but they're not an adult either.
It's normal for him to rather be with his peers than with his family right now. He feels more comfortable around them. If his grades are good and you don't suspect that he's into drugs or anything dangerous, then give him some breathing room. But still be there for him whenever he does need to talk. Always make yourself available. Try and keep those communication lines open.
The only thing that would concern me a little is him not wanting to go to the 8th grade graduation. I think he should go to the graduation but I wouldn't push it if he doesn't want to go to anything else. What exactly do you mean that his chest is different? Is he overweight? He can always wear a shirt even if he swims. Lot's of people do that. But don't push it if he doesn't want to. Just keep encouraging him. Let him know you're always there and that you believe in him. He should be fine. I'm not sure he needs therapy at this point unless there's more that you're not telling us here.
Things do get better as they get older and gain some maturity. By the time my son was a senior he stopped acting like he was embaressed to be around his parents and even seemed to enjoy being with us but still he'd be with his peers more and that's ok. As teenagers, you have to slowly start letting go and letting them go. You have to let them grow up and make their own decisions but still try to guide them and protect them. It's not easy but then again no one said it was easy parenting a teen! I think it's the hardest job in the world! But it will all be worth it when you see him graduate or get married and have kids of his own. Then you can relax and reap the rewards of all the hard work that you put into him growing up.
Hang in there! It does get better. God bless.

[lincam]

Thank you so much for your input.  This is the first time I've joined a forum, so I wasn't sure what to expect and very much a newbie on how to post things.  My son's pediatrician thought he had Marfan's Syndrome.  One of the characteristics is a pigeon chest (the bone in the middle of his chest protrudes).  Coincidentally, we had him sent to multiple doctors when he was 11 to have this diagnosed (the start of his distancing).  Not a very ego bolstering experience for him (genetic specialist said his chest was deformed) and he was pretty much picked apart physically.  I think this is the same time he became introverted, even more so now.  He had to take a physical today and his pediatrician says this is very common, the conversations will be pretty one-sided until maybe he hits 20!  That's good because his sister will be turning 14 and I will have to be going through this all over again.  His peers/friends seem to be the opposite of him, very outgoing and outspoken.  Aaah teen years, they suck!  I wish more parents would be more open about what goes on.  

[April2]

Lol, well don't forget that the other teens seem more outgoing, etc. and probably talk to you more because you're not their parent! You have no idea what goes on in their homes, probably pretty much the same thing that goes on in yours!
Is this something that surgery can help with? I think if you treat him like he's normal and don't make a big deal out of it then he'll pick that up too and hopefully his friends. Kids can be pretty accepting of each other if they understand the circumstance.

So you have a girl almost 14? Buckle up, lol. Girls are in a class all by themselves! I think they're more verbal than boys and know how to really push your buttons, I think. Boys just hold more stuff in. Girls can be pretty mouthy, lol. My daughter just turned 16 and I think we're over the worst of things, although she still has some maturing to do, naturally.
I had to laugh when you said your pediatrician said your conversations will be one-sided until he's 20. It reminded me of the comic "Zits". Do you get that comic in your paper? He's a 15 year old boy who walks around with an IPod or cell phone stuck in his ear and grunts at his mom when spoken to. It's pretty funny!
Yeah, I think us parents of teens should stick together. I think we need our own support group, lol. Good talking to you.
April

[lincam]

Hi April,

Zits ... Just looked it up online ... I Love it!   Grunting and mumbling ... something I can really relate to.  Thanks for sharing.  

I see a little glimpse of what's to come with the little one.  She is 8, sweet as can be, but sometimes it feels she will be starting her period soon because she acts like someone on PMS at times!

I agree with you about having a support group for teens.  The parents I know are not very helpful ... their kids are not shy, quiet and antisocial like my own child and they make comments like "don't you speak with your son?"  How can you NOT know what's going on?  They don't understand that we go out of our way to try to make conversation with him and we are only met with one word answers.  It is extremely frustrating.  

My son starts high school in the Fall.  I'm looking forward to meeting more down to earth parents than the one's I have experienced in his elementary school.

Thanks again,
Perlita

[lonewolf07]

That has got to be one of the most mean-spirited, inappropriate and stupid messages I've ever seen out here.  Are you you're not talking about yourself, girlyman?

[April2]

lonewolf, who in the world are you talking to??