Disbelieving husband

[Fairith]

I'm 23 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. My husband does not believe me, or anybody else, that I have Asperger's. So, he gets very mad when I don't behave in what he feels to be a normal fashion, particularly, when I misinterpret his behavior or communications. Does anybody have any suggestions about how to overcome this situation?

[MaryannesMom]

Would he believe a dr.?  If you have a medical diagnosis, I would think he would believe it.  It is hard for people who don't have it to grasp it, because it often just seems like an excuse for bad behavior.

[888mom]

Even if you didn't have aspergers, some people have problems with communication.  My husband and I sure do.  We've been married for 12 years, and trust me, there have been lots of communication issues between us along the way.  We also have communication issues with other people, which we have actually both been going through counseling together to learn how to communicate with others.  We've also been learning about scripting dialogues out to handle certain things we didn't know how to talk about.  

Marriage takes lots of patience.  My husband forgets a lot that I have sensitive hearing and smell and touch.  I also can't tune out things.  So he gets upset if he really wants to go to a party and I don't want to go.  We've been married 12 years, and he still forgets that I have limits.  But, he remembers when I go over it again.  I get upset at him sometimes too.  Like, when we have a conversation, he's busy focusing on one thing I said and doesn' thear another thing, that is more important, and then we're both mad at each other because communication failed.  He also has a lot of OCD tendencies, so I know that if I change my mind while we're in the car about whether we're going out to McDonalds or Burger King, and they're both next to each other so it's not like he'd have to change direction... well, he'll just have a meltdown in the car if you change plans in the middle.  So, I know that about him.  I respect that about him.  So I bite my tongue and would not make a request that would make him freak out.  And he is good about not making me freak out.  It took us awhile to figure each other out (it helped that we knew each other and were friends since we were 14), but marriage is a lot to do with respect.  Well, so does friendship for that matter, too.  My husband and I both have a lot of autistic/aspergers tendencies.  

What is important is that your spouse respects you for who you are, not trying to change you into someone you're not.  Even if you didn't have aspergers, if you have problems with communication, that's who you are.  You can't change who you are, so he needs to learn to accept who you are.  Sometimes it takes help from a marriage counselor if you can't work things out on your own.  Usually health insurance will cover a few visits a year (you'd have to check into it and see if it does and what counselors are in-network).  Believe me, there is nothing wrong with going to a marriage counselor.  It doesn't mean you have a bad marriage.  It just means that you have an issue you have trouble working out, and you value your marriage enough to want to make it the best marriage you can.  My husband and I have been through counseling before periodically, and it really does strengthen a marriage.  Important thing is to go into counseling or if you want to talk on your own, going into a discussion not with an "I'm right and you're wrong" attitude.  If you go in with the "I'm right" attitude, then nothing will get accomplished.  I also had to learn that the hard way... so did my husband.