Should we split if indeed he's unable to forgive me???

[Ann388]

We have been married for 14 years and have two children. Our crisis happened in our 11th year of marriage and we almost ended up with divorce. I was suspicious of him having another woman. So I asked him and to my surprise, he admitted it. I didn't know it hurt so much until he actually confirmed it. How I wish I never knew!!! There were anger, tears, and depression. After months of hard work, we stayed together...

A year ago, I destroyed all the hard work we put into saving the marriage.  I had an affair with a co-worker. I don't think I was seeking revenge, I think I gave into temptation. I felt really bad about it, so I ended the affair and resigned my position.  Couldn't find the nerve to tell my husband the truth. He knew something was going on and so, when I resigned, he got really suspicious of the whole thing.  He started to ask questions. I guess, you have to have good memories to be a good lier...I don't. I told him everything. He asked why I would do something like this when he is treating me so nice. I don't have an answer.

I destroyed his trust, my self respect and my family. There were so many times I tried to cut this liffe out of me just to get rid of the pain. But I am afraid of dying, afraid of not able to see the children growing up.

For this past year, it was hell. We tried to hide our pain from our children, our family.  We went to family gatherings together, pretending to be happy.  

Yesterday, we had a long talk, because the kids went to their Aunt's house for the whole weekend, so we had time alone in the house.  Initially, I was excited to be able to talk to him alone, but what he told me made me wished otherwise.  He told me he would never forget, he still loves me, and will try to forgive me under one condition... he wants to have fun outside our marriage...

I am sorry, but I don't know how to put them into words!!! I don't know what to do now. All I know is that the pain is so strong, I really want to end it.

What should I do??? please help!  

[MrsOckert]

Ann,

I am so sorry for this to have happened to you.  I have no words of wisdom to impart, just waves and waves of sympathy for you.

I do know that once you start down the path of sexual encounters with others during a marriage it's only a matter of time before it's over.  

Tell him you want to try marriage counseling before you'll agree to anything like that.  Even if you have to make it sound like you will if he goes, do try that first.  Maybe they can knock some sense into his head.  It's just his pain and anger speaking right now, I do believe.

I am so sorry.

[RockRose]

I dont think he's all that unable to forgive - he realizes he has a LOT of power here,  and is trying to leverege it to get what he wants - freedom to have sex outside of marriage.  Which he wanted in the first place anyway, obviously.  You know how when you really wanted something from your parents - and they say no - and then out of the blue they do something that they're SO SORRY FOR,  and you come right back with a pouty well,  I'd feel better if (whatever it was you wanted to begin with).   That's what he's doing.

What would he do if you said oh that sounds fine,  I want to have sex with Jack again too.

[Ann388]

Thank you for responding. I have no one to talk to...can't talk to my friends, family, no one. It is so hard to hold everything inside me and not able to tell someone...

I have been stupid, selfish and entered in this no-way-out situation, have put my family in the line...I really don't want my parents to know.  They will worry sick, would be too much burden on them. For this reason, I have not talked to anyone about this problem.

I have learned my lesson in a very hard way - could no longer recall how many times I cried, and felt the sharp pain in my heart.  As I was reading your response, I cried.

Thank you.
  

[Ann388]

Thank you and I understand what you are telling me. I have argued about that in my mind too.  But I always find an excuse to the argument - "He still loves me, he is angry now, maybe he would not actually do it, and maybe he is just testing me, trying to see if I am willing to give up anything for our marriage."  

But then, if he goes ahead and do it, I don't think I would be able to handle any more.  And this is the very reason I am here...cut it loose now or risk stepping into the quick sand...

You might think I am stupid, but still love him very much. If only if I could really know what he is thinking!

[BearHitch]

I agree with RockRose- he is able to forgive he is just choosing not too.  Agreeing to what he asks will end your marriage- what he is asking makes no sense of all and he is using your guilt against you.  I have a feeling that he would never truly give you the forgiveness that you are looking for and would hang this over your head and use it as excuses if he ever cheated again.  

[banter]

There is one thing I don't get here.  You initially discovered that he was having an affair.  He ended it.  You forgave him.

Then, later, you had an affair.  YOU ended it.  Admitted it to him.  But he hasn't seen fit to forgive YOU unless you concede on this one point.

That is just way, way self-centered of him, in my opinion.  It seems to me that if he really was concerned about his family as a whole, he wouldn't even have made the suggestion, would have just forgiven you, maybe suggested that the two of you go into counseling together to help heal the family.

I would definitely listen to MrsOckert's advice (above)!!!

[teko]

As far as I can tell, you forgave him his indescretion, he should forgive yours, with no strings attached. Tell him no fun outside of marriage, if he wants to do that then you need to go your own ways first, otherwise the pain you are in now is nothing compared to what it will be if you both do this. Not to mention what it will do to the kids. He is trying to make you suffer.

[txsilver]

With each of you having had affairs, there is some need each of you has that is not being met.  
His "solution" seems to be very punitive to you and he certainly is living in a glass house!  
Have you talked to him about counseling?  It would certainly be worth a try and better than an emotional rollercoaster of blame, pain and shame that could go on for years.  That is not good for any one in the family.

[treazzure007]

This is terrible.  I dont want to throw salt onto the wound, but, I think you will be better off talking to him one last time.  If he's actually still serious about this proposed plan, then you can count your marriage to him as over right now.

I suggest you getting yourself into counseling and begin preparation for a divorce.  Better to hurt now and get it over with.  The sooner it's over with, the sooner you can accept your fate and move on with your new life.

[jo929]

there really is no choice in the matter, because, if you let him have fun outside the marriage, he will leave soon anyway, just say no that would not be a marriage, and certainly would not be good for the kids, stand up for yourself, remember he cheated first, tell him you love him, but if he does love you both, of you take a vacation, and if it works, and he really loves you also,. repeat your vows over, and begin with a new slate  i wish you the best   jo

[Ann388]

This is a very hard decision and yes, like txsilver put it, an "emotional rollercoaster". There were so many times, I was on the verge of putting an end to it and then he would takes the family out to dinner, and tells me, he loves me very much...

I suggested marriage counseling before, but he said it would be very uncomfortable for him to tell some stranger about our issue. As for me, I am dying to have someone listen to our problem and shed some light into it.

We have been together for 18 years (dated 4 years; married 14 years), and have two wonderful children, how can I throw all we gone through (good & bad) down the drain???

Ohhh, how I hate myself for getting us into this situation. I love my family, I love him, why did I not think about the consequence...

[ComputerGeek]

Sweetheart, you did not get yourself "into this situation."  Yes, you both made a mistake - but he is choosing yours to blackmail you with your mistake.

What your husband is doing is incredibly stupid and totally self-centered.

I just thought of something.  If he won't go to counseling with you because of possible embarrassment and doesn't care enough about preserving the valuable investment you both have in the marriage, tell him that you plan on talking to someone without him - a divorce attorney.

You really are second-guessing yourself here.  This is your husbands issue - the demand to let him have sex outside of marriage.

[Ann388]

Thank you all for your supportive advises. I think I need to have a conversation with my husband regarding this issue. I am really nervous... I have scheduled an appointment with my husband tonight after work. We will meet after work and talk. I am going to tell him that I want our marriage to survive this crisis, but that I won't tolerate sharing him with someone else. In addition, I will again suggest marriage counseling.  Gosh, I am really nervous right now. Tonight's meeting is not about who's going to win, but to fight for our marriage... Please wish me luck!  If anyone have any advise, suggestion, that would be grealy appreciated.

[BearHitch]

If I were you, I would stress how him running around in an open marriage is not an option and if that is what he wants, you won't be sticking around.  I would be calm and tactful, but I wouldn't come off as desperate to keep him even if that is what you are feeling.  I think he needs to see that you are serious and that games are not going to work.  Fight for your marriage by all means- but be a strong woman in the process :)  Good luck, Ann!