I am 15 weeks pregnant...

[tisa1029]

I am 15 weeks pregnant and my fiance is an alcoholic. He knows he is and says every once in a while that he wants me to help. Ok I will try to make this short. We both wanted to be pregnant and we were both happy but things have changed. He now gets drunk and punches holes in the walls and gets in my face. He has also hit me in the head. I told him I can not be around him when he drinks b/c of the violence and stress. I was drinking everyday but quit, and I was on xanax for severe panic attacks for 9 years and quit that. He will not quit drinking. He says I had a reason to quit. He does too he just thinks he needs to party before the baby is here. This is Monday-Friday... He goes to work at 8 am and gets home around 5:30-6 pm and starts drinking. At first he is calm and collected but then that one sip of beer gets him pissed off at everything and everyone. Fri-Sunday he drinks like there is no tomorrow. The next day when I ask him if he remembers he says no. We have been together for almost 13 years and I as well as my baby can not be around this. What should I do? What should he do?  thank you for any suggestions.

[aingeal_croi]

Hi there
Sounds so familiar! especially the holes in the wall...mine got all upset after getting drunk and started smashing his guitar into the wall completely destroying his guitar and the wall...we were renting at the time, needless to say when this **** happens you get pretty damn good at covering it up.  I spoke to my doctor who gave me ideas of how to minimalise the volatile situations.  I learnt pretty fast to not argue when he is in that state and if possible remove myself (and the baby) from the situation.  I am not great for advice
but I can really sympathise with how you are feeling.  The fact that he has hit you in the head should definately indicate that he is out of control...I am wondering if he really does remember the nex day but feels secretly ashamed of his behaviour???  Next time he says he wants you  to help tell him you will make an appointment to see your doctor, go together that is a great first port of call, there are loads of things they can do including prescribing a medication that helps the alcoholic cravings...anyway I am here if you need to chat...Take care and sorry bout the ramble!

[sunny129]

Minimalize the situation??  That is called walking on eggshells - all it accomplishes is making it easy for the alcoholic to continue his drinking and behavior -  Sorry -   I think you would really benefit from going to alanon meetings -  

[sunny129]

In my opinion the best thing you can do for yourself and your unborn child is to leave.  He is already showing violent behavior and it will only escalate - and his excuse of wanting to "party" before the baby is born is just that - AN EXCUSE - after the baby is born it will probably be "the stress of having a newborn" - alcoholics have 1,000,001 excuses - don't listen to any of it - and above all know that you did not cause it, you can not cure it and you can't control it.  You too would benefit from alanon meetings - good luck  

[azezal]

Best to terminate it. Addictive personality proven to get passed through genetics. Sorry hard truth. But if your willing to give 10 times more effort go ahead.

[tisa1029]

do you mean terminate the pregnancy?

[tisa1029]

how would I benefit from the meetings if I do not drink and do not want to drink?

[deedle131975]

if you meant "terminate" the pregnancy, that is a disgusting thing to say to an expected mother.  your comment cannot possibly help someone looking for advice.

[tisa1029]

it is funny how you would tell me to terminate when you have no idea what it is like to be pregnant. If you have nothing to say that is respectful then dont leave a comment
I think what you have to say is highly rude and you have no idea about any of it.

[nyychic]

Honey I'm sorry to say this but I would terminate the relationship you and your baby get away from that situation.  I am married to a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and ya know what he stopped 7 years ago and I'm still fighting with my feelings and I'm about to post about that but that's not your problem.  You really need to think about this and realize that this isn't a safe or fair environment for a child, an innocent little baby.  To party before the baby gets here, to punch holes in the walls???  That is unacceptable and he's hit you?  You should just get out.  My husband was never a mean drunk or violent it was just that he was a drunk and he was addicted and he was addicted to coke as well and he would go out after work on payday and come home with no money left.  That was our major issues with the drinking/drugs.  I refuse to have it around me or my children.  If raising this child is what you want to do than it's your time to shine and you can do it.  Being a mother means you must put another person above your own feelings and if your boyfriend cannot stop this behavior than remove him from your situation for your baby.  I know that it's hard honey like I said I have been there, I left and only took him back because he stopped.  Be strong for your baby and good luck.

[tisa1029]

yes I can terminate the relationship and just about have done that, but I will not terminate my pregnancy.

[nyychic]

I would never tell anyone to terminate a pregnancy nor do I think that it's the right thing to do under most circumstances but it's not my decision.  For myself, I have 4 children so you can pretty much tell how I feel and what my take is on it.  Not that I would judge anyone else but for me not the right choice.  If that is what you thought I meant I am sorry.  I would never try to say that anyone should do that I can remember people telling my mother to abort my brother and people telling me to abort my oldest son.  I know how it feels but the bottom line is it's NOT their decision and while they have not right to put their beliefs on people it will always be out there just know that there are also some really supportive people on this site.  I know it's not easy but it is do-able.  Good luck.  Just keep yourself safe honey and work on taking  care of that baby.  You will find that being a mother is the hardest job you'll ever have.  It won't seem that way for a while tho.  It is also the most rewarding.  Everything has a way of working itself out and this will as well.

[LadyT486]

Wow, I am right there with you. I am 14 weeks pregnant and will be 15 weeks on Saturday. I am married and have been for 18 years. My husband and I have a child together already. He lost his job last year after purchasing a new home because he was drinking and driving, he was arrested, he was incarated for 3 months. After he got out everything seemed to be ok. But now, he can't find a job there is no income coming in from him and he claims that he started back drinking because of the stress of him not helping out. I am on the verge I feel like a breakdown. I want so bad for us to be together and God knows that I am so afraid to leave him while pregnant, but at this point in my life I do not think that I have no other choice. I really appreciate all the comments that others have left because it is basically the hard truth. I am allowing him to do this and I need to make a change. I have been battling with selling my house and moving into a smaller place and I truly think that after reading your blog my decision is made. Thank you and take care.

[slow_healer]

Al-anon isn't just for people with alcohol problems. There are meetings for alcoholics, and there are meetings for people who live with alcoholics - people going through what you're going through. Try one and see if it helps to have a support network of people who've struggled with watching alcohol ruin the people they love. Good luck.

[tisa1029]

ty I did not know that. I will see if that works. :)

[tryingtocope45]

Here I was searching around for some advice on living with an alcoholic and I came across your post.  I have been living with a man for almost 2 yrs now.  When we met, we were both at very critical points in our lives and really helped one another out.  He is much younger than I am and hasn't had any children.  I have 3 from previous