Parents

[crk05]

So I have a question. I feel like I am in a rock and a hard spot. My dad whom has been in my life off and on just recently got out of jail about a year ago. I have seen him maybe 3 or 4 times since I was 16 I am now 21 about to be 22 this summer.  He absolutely hates my mom and she hates him but the difference is everytime I speak to him he puts her down and makes comments about her parenting skill. My brother and I have not really ever lived with my parents although my mom tried to have us we didn't want to go with her because we had our friends and didn't want to have to start all over again.

Well I am pregnant now, It is there first grandchild but it upsets me because my dad has never ever asked how my day is, how the baby is doing, how school is going, what I got for the semester, I just started a new job and he has not even bothered to asked me about it. My brother choose a very different life then me. He has been in jail multiple times and always seems to choose the bad girls, he can't seem to kick his meth habit and in turn it has gotten him in alot of trouble.  

Well a few weeks ago he got a few felony's and a DUI and assault charge. My dad is upset with me cause I won't help pay for a lawyer and my mom has decided not to help because she has put him threw rehab twice and he dropped out. She is still paying for it, she has also paid drug dealers, and bailed him out of jail numerous times as well as give him a roof to live under but he never seemed to get it. He was doing alot better then my dad got out of jail and all the work she did went down the tubes.  

Im upset because my dad is recently coming into alot of money which is great for him. I have never ever asked for anything because I get more pleasure by doing it myself and not having to ever have to listen to him say well I did this and that for you because that is how it is. Well when he gets mad he tells me I will take you off my will and life insurance and this and that. Why is always about the money with him, why does he have to go and throw that in my face. I am not my brother I am not his favorite I have accepted that but why be so mean about it.

I have tried so hard to do everything on my own and not ask like my brother has. I am the only one to graduate in my entire family and the only one to never been to jail, go to college. I don't know what to do. I know the stress isn't good for the baby or myself. I feel like blocking his number but then i feel guilty. I feel like screaming I don't know what to do anymore.

[treazzure007]

You shouldnt stress so much over your relatives.  From what Iv read, you are now an adult, and are free of them.  You have your own household to take care of now.  They are your relatives that you can always love and talk to about good times and call and wish happy holidays and visit.  If you arent able to make a deeper, more close-nit bond with them, oh well.  Doesnt really matter.  As long as you remain as neutral as possible with each of them and keep the love flowing and the lines of communication open, youre doing a swell job

[teko]

As far as helping to pay for a lawyer for your brother, you are doing the right thing. Your brother needs to learn some lessons here and as long as he is playing with the meth monster, he is not going to so it would just be like throwing your money out the window. You are of age now and can set boundaries as far as your parents go. You need to tell your father in a calm manner how you feel. Then if he does not get it, you will need to accept it and move on. Once the baby is born, things will be different to some degree. Good luck. Remember, we can not choose who our parents are but can move forward and not make the same mistakes that they did with us.

[mayflowers]

I don't know what to say about your parents issues, ex's relationships are often riddled with hurt, pain and resentment. I do want to say something about your brother.  Do whatever you have to keep your brother alive.  Maybe being jail will keep him sober and away from drugs.  

I don't think you need to help out with the lawyer, that's your parents responsibility not yoursm however, you can talk to him and let him know that you love him and want him to be sober, happy and healthy.  He is probably doing the drugs b/c he is so hurt inside from rejection of your parents.  You handled it all well it sounds, but my guess is your brother isn't as strong as you are.  Good luck to you and your baby.  Glad to hear you know you don't have to choose the same path as the rest of your family.  

[Jaybay]

Wow!  You are one very strong, successful woman, and I offer you my applause and great admiration.  Stick to your guns dear.  You (and your mom) are the only members of your family with common sense.

As to the emotional blackmail that your father and brother insist on inflicting on you - don't fall for it.  Nothing you say or do will ever change them, so don't waste your breath.  It sounds like you have a nice dream of having a close, normal family relationship with your father now that you're an adult.  Based on his behavior, that isn't going to happen.  He doesn't ask about you and your baby because he doesn't care.  Period.  He's shown himself to be a very selfish person.  Everything is about him.  

You've already seen the harm he's done to you, your mother and your brother over the years.  Do you really want your baby to be a part of that mess?  Hold your head high above the sewage, and keep living the good life you've begun building for yourself.

[jo929]

I think you have handled this all very wel, i think Jaybay has said it all, and i agree with her, and also, i do not beleive you should put out money for your Brother, it seems like he does not wany help, and he will not change, until he is ready, so keep up the good work, and try not to worry, I think you are doing great on your own    luck   jo

[Downey]

You sound like a good kid that has a crappy family. Excuse my use of words but they fit. If I was you I wouldn't want my child hanging around any convicted felons family or not. Good luck.

Jules

[shy2008]

There is only so much a parent can do for a child.  your brother should be accountable for his own actions.  Your right in not helping pay for the lawyer.....Dad came into money...let him pay!  You should be proud of yourself, you sound like a well adjusted young woman!  As far as your relationship with your dad...well we can't always have great parents, we get what we get!  He sounds like he is selfish.  You don't need someone like that to be a big part of your life.  He's trying to make you feel bad for not paying tor your brothers lawyer, loving supportive parents don't do that.  Don't feel quilty for feeling the way you do.  There's a reason why you feel like this...listen to your instincts.  Your Mom sounds like a smart woman, and I'm sure she will be a wonderful grandmother.  Good luck with up coming motherhood...enjoy every moment.  They grow up so fast!