can attraction grow?

[unsure298]

Ok so im 21 y/o female and altho ive been in short term relationships, never anything serious. Been on a few dates with a guy who really seems into me but im not sure it's reciprocated. We get on really well and i enjoy his company but there's no sexual attraction on my part. I do believe that deep down it's the person inside that counts and i would like to think that i might become attracted to him but im not sure. I dont want to seem like im messing him about. I do find some men my own age attractive but i am more attracted to older men and have been for many years. I also find it difficult to get close to people but i really would like to be in a relationship. So my question is this: does attraction need to be there from the start or can it grow? Any advice would be appreciated thanks :)

[treazzure007]

Physical attraction and sexual chemistry always needs to be there from the beginning.  Wouldnt you hate it if you settled for an "okay" guy and got married and one day the single man of your dreams was right there for the taking?  Never settle for anything thats not what you want.  

[RockRose]

I was going to post like treazzure,  but then I keep remembering men I've known for awhile who don't seem attractive to me until I know them better and then they are very attractive.    But that is SO hit and miss - I wouldn't date a guy hoping it will happen.  

[teko]

This guy sounds like a very good friend. Not much of a match on the love/sex, forever after scene tho.  Do not push it. You are still very young and when you meet the right guy you will know it. You are doing both yourself and him a serious injustice by pretending there is more between you than there actually is. You only set yourselves up for infidelity and hurt in the future. Be honest with him about your feelings and try to keep it on a friendship level for now and see where it goes.  Sex may not be a huge deal to you at this age but as you get older you will find that you go thru a phase, where it will mean everything to you. I say, slow down, have fun and let what happens naturally happen and do not push it.

[BearHitch]

While you need more to a relationship than just attraction, having none there at all is a problem.  I agree with RockRose when she says that it is hit and miss- like her there are men I have known and did not initially find them attractive and and then did, but when it comes to dating and not just friends, I would make sure that was there first... even if he is really into you.

[MrsOckert]

I (as usual) disagree.  I believe that attraction can grow.  And it doesn't have to always be hit or miss.

I would date the young man in question, but absolutely nothing sexual.  No kissing, no making out nothing.  Get to know him as a person and see what he's like.  Does he kick the dog when he's frustrated.  When he gets a flat tire does he blame you?  It's all the little things in a relationship that add up to what someone's character is.

After you have gotten to really know him then see how you feel about him.  You might wake up 6 months from now and think WOW this is the man of my dreams and he's been here all along.  Or you might keep waiting for some attraction to happen and it just doesn't.  But you have to give it time.

Relationships that start with stars in the eyes and flowers around the head and being head over heels are usually the ones that burn out fast because they weren't based on anything of substance to begin with.  Just MHO.  Good Luck.

[unsure298]

Thanks for all your comments! It's strange because although i dont feel physically attracted to him i do look forward to seeing him. But it's not in that 'oh im really nervous, butterflies in stomach' sort of way that i normally have when im going to see someone i really like. We have known each other through friends for a few years so i feel no harm can come of casually meeting up and seeing what happens. Initial sexual attraction seems to vary in how much it means to people. I think Teko that you are right that although it doesn't mean much to me right now it will do in the near future. So if after a while there really is no attraction then perhaps at least we'll still stay friends.

[BearHitch]

Well, in response to your comment that you don't have that butterfly in the stomach because you really like them - I didn't have that with my husband either.  I was attracted to him, I'm not saying that, but I wouldn't say I was burning with passion, had to be with him every second of the day- yah, no that was not me.  If you look forward to seeing him then go for it and see what happens!  =D

Just if down the road it gets more serious and you still are not attracted to him for more than his personality, consider this again.

[Jame0223]

I don't think I could be with a guy that I don't find attractive. I remember I went to school with this guy and he was such a sweet heart and I could tell that he really liked me. We went to our winter formal together. I had never gotten asked to a dance and I thought it was just so sweet so I said yes. Well we went, danced, laughed and at the end of the night he asked me to be his girlfriend. I just didn't find him attractive like that so I told him I would think about it...well that was the last time I talked to him ( I know how horrible) I just didn't want him to feel rejected...because I knew he asked a few girls out and had been rejected pretty much every time. I felt so bad but I didn't think it would be right if I was with someone I didn't like. It would not be fair to him. I would get to know him better...you may start to like him but I don't know. I wouldn't count on it. Don't pursue an actual relationship with him unless you feel an attraction. If you did  get with him he may start to feel more and more and you may not. Then you may end up hurting him in the end.

[hopefulmommy2007]

All I have to say is you are still very young. Take you time and wait until you meet "the one" for you. There is always "the one" out there for us. IF you settle you will most likely find yourself not happy and either splitting up or getting divorced or possibly cheating. PLEASE!!! Make sure you are with the right one before you settle down with him. I jumped into my first relationship, and though I have two beautiful little girls from him, I wasted the 7 years time I spent with him. Good luck to you!!! Remember, you are young and time will bring what you are looking for whether you know what it is or not.

[soldier77]

I'm in the exact same situation!

There's a friend of mine who is downright amazing to hang out with who seems to like me a lot, and the last time we saw each other I found myself wondering if I was developing feelings for him...even though I'm not in the least bit physically attracted to him. BUT, there is this older man (late 20s) at work who I am extremely attracted to.

Anyways, I think you need to be physically attracted to the person or develop attracted to the person, but it can't be FORCED. I mean, you can't look at him and think to yourself....okay, maybe he's cute....You need to be able to imagine yourself having body contact with him.

And, everyone keeps telling me "you're young, wait, have fun, don't settle" but it seems to be against female nature. haha.