Am I cheating on my husband?

[esonique]

Hi: I have been married for 6 yrs and for the last 3 yrs we are having a long distance marital arrangement. In the beginning, I could control and remain abstinent towards my sexual urges, but very recently, I am having a tough time going without sex for a long time. May be because of my age (30) and time for motherhood, I am undergoing harmonal changes which heighten my sexual desires, can you please tell?

So far, I have had sex with 6 different partners besides my husband. Initially I felt guilty, but when I discovered that I am just another girl for most of these guys, I have started to become just like them, and have guiltless sexual pleasure with them thinking that I will not see them again. But, deep down, I am also aware that my husband is still committed to me and suddenly resign to the fact that I am cheating, but the professional circumstances are such that we have to sacrifice our close proximity for our secured future. I know I cannot remain abstinent like my husband. He is 9 yrs my senior and our relationship is more emotional and sentimental rather than physical. Infact, the physical is almost a joke!! And, I have also discovered that I really love physical side of marriage, not necessarily the sexual, and my husband does not even tolerate a simple touch... He is not a touchy person. He is very mental and intense but, nothing sexual.

I do not know how long will I continue like this. Sometimes, I get guys who really are ruthless and want to judge me as well as use me as sexual object, but, then some are really nice who sympathize with me and are willing to remain my committed sexual partners.

Do you think I am cheatng my husband if I cannot control my sexual desire not fulfilled in a normal marriage? Is it wrong to look for certain aspects of marriage outside of marriage? Is not my husband failing his duty as well? What is going on?

[AJH84]

Yes, you're cheating on your husband if you can't control your sexual desires while he's away.

It's not wrong to look for certain aspects of marriage outside your own marriage, but it is wrong if you find those aspects and act on them outside your marriage rather than implement them into your marriage through your commitment and possible marriage counseling.

I can't answer whether or not your husband is fulfilling his marital duty to you, but, you married him. You must have had some knowledge of his personality and character traits before you married him. Even so, you married him; you gave your promise to him that you would be only his and always his as a lover, a companion, and a friend.

You ask what's going on. You answered it yourself--a lack of self control. Either divorce him and stop lying to him and cheating on him, or get some self control and tell him what you've done behind his back (he deserves to know) and hope that he'll forgive you if you want to keep him and move on from there, most likely with the help of a marriage counselor.

[esonique]

You are right I should find solution within the marriage itself, but I did not know that my husband will not be interested in sex after sometime of getting married! Infact, he thinks that he will do it later in our relationship, but, that later has never come and my desire is purely biological. We never tried a live-in arragement, we straightaway got married, which was his initiative not mine! I just found it very exciting and went with his idea.... and I still love it. Only problem is I like to be physical and cannot be without touching for long...

I know you are judging me based on your experience of marriage. But, I can assure you my marriage circumstances are really unique..Our attraction was emotional not physical.

I am aware that long term solution for my problem is a counsellor, but I am unable to convince him to do counselling of any sort. He is intellectually very superior to me and so far, he has always been the decision-maker in our relationship. But, I cannot live without him and he has some idea about my sexual needs, but continues to ignore it. However, we will never divorce each other, no matter what.

I have never felt that he is my husband, infact, he is probably my Guru, a saint in every sense of it. Not all marriages are conventional, I guess. In the old times and even in current times, men continue to have extra-marital affairs, and now it is also the women who are trying these things. I am not trying to cheat. I am just figuring out instead of controlling all the time...ANd there is no effect on my love for my husband. I think I would have been cheating if I found a lover, but I never allow that to happen. I let it stop at sexual only.  

[treazzure007]

depending on how you define a marriage is what makes the answers work.  so many people are getting married for so many diff. reasons.  going with conventional standards, I say yes it's cheating, yes it's wrong to go outside of marriage for any reason whatsoever, yes your husband is failing with his duty (cant say why he's away or for how long but no job would take my husband away from me and our children and in doing so it's like he's choosing money over family-bad choice).  hope you eventually get what you are searching for for fulfillment.  hope everything works out for you relationship wise too

[mayflowers]

Yes

[teko]

They make sex toys for people like you. They are less expensive and less destructive and carry no stds. If it is truly the physical side, those will take care of you. If you are fooling yourself, you will not be interested.

[banter]

To all, I have communicated privately a bit with this woman.  I won't give away anything private, but I can tell everyone that she is highly educated and thinks things through.  She also lives in another country where women are treated completely differently than they are in Western culture.  The country she is in is coming around - but only slowly.  Women are still, pretty much, considered second-class citizens.  But her country has produced some of the birightest minds the world has seen - doctors, scientists, etc.

She IS in a very unique situation - trying to carry on a long-distance marriage.  I only learned from this posting, however, that her husband (whenever they happen to be together) doesn't even like to be touched.  Now that definitely is strange.

She also says that there is definitely no divorce in the future for them.

I have only said what I have said to help others who are reading this thread to perhaps understand the situation a bit better.  Everyone has so far had some very interesting advice and I would love to see that continue.  It appears to me that this woman is in a definite quandry.

By the way - can we blame women for simply emulating what they see being portrayed as the norm on television shows?  Casual sex with no emotional ties?  Should we not lay some of the blame on the media moguls making billions of dollars from socities the world over?

[BearHitch]

You have to ask if you are cheating?  Yes, you are.  It seems that you want to justify this because you didn't know your husband was not going to be interested in things sexually, but you are justifying your behavior by your changes in hormones?  You said that your husband is just not a touchy person, so did he just become this way?  I don't mean to be rude, but you don't have to ask if you are cheating,  I think what you are trying to ask is it okay, and I am sure you could ask your husband that and he could answer.

[omanlover]

banter:
did you ever reread what you wrote! i sympathize with her! but there is no escuse to cheet! what will happen if she get pregnant  bymistake! do you think it is fair to grow not nowing your real dad! & if she decide to tell her child the truth! what will happen to him! the worse if she got a girl! did you even think what will happen to this girl in such comunity!
esoni:do not be a toy in
the hand of such men! do you think they respect you! they are propably laugh at you! they may call you thecheao girll! do not sound nice , yeah! speak to your husband, you  have the right to have sexual relation ship with him! try & speak to a doc, if really you think it is a hormone issue!
hope youdo the right thing!