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Teen Depression Community
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It comes and goes...
by h_y, May 15, 2008 12:58AM
This will likely be kind of long and I may whine a bit, I am looking for general advice on the randomness of myself...
I am a nineteen year old guy who moved to the U.S. ten years ago.
Since I moved to the U.S I have had a feeling of being disconnected to those around me. I have blocked-out most of my first two years here, the main thing I remember is sitting in the nurses office one day trying to breath properly after being placed in a headlock by one of my classmates, when I try to remember anything it's just not there. I have been told by my parents that I was mistreated a lot by my schoolmates and I think I must have come off as arrogant or strange...
We did eventually move because the school did not help me. A year went by and I think it went okay, it's gone too though. Middle school came and I think I was in seventh grade when my math teacher commented on my ability to say "seven," which started my preteen school nickname of " seven eleven" har har. I joined the school orchestra and played violin then, it was the only time I felt happy really and I even talked to people, though not a whole lot... it's fuzzy too.
I got through that but did my best to destroy any trace of my original accent, though it slips through occasionally when I am interested or in a good mood. Most of the time nowadays though, I feel I must be offsetting to others, like I am too full of myself or I am being callous without meaning to; like a freak really and that I make them dislike me. I am down to one class at the moment, it is the sole enjoyable thing in my life at the moment, and though the other classmates talk to me I still feel that they are doing so out of necessity.
I have gained a lot of weight, enough to dislike myself when I am alone. Lately I have been telling myself that going to the gym would be worthwhile, and then I tell myself that there would be no point.
I have now come to realize that I have created for myself a pattern of failure. People tell me I'm smart but I don't see it, I think they say that because I like to read. I am so sick of these feelings of worthlessness.
Since starting community college, I have repeated my cycle, I sign for classes I would enjoy and desperately need, and half way through the semester I give up. It's been going on for two years, my gpa is shot; I have told my mother already but not my father, I am scared of seeing the disappointment in his eyes. I think he knows though...
I "play" the cello and I wish I could say that with some confidence. I want to succeed at this so very badly on most days, I want to be able to express my emotions through music as so many others can, I do not want to feel so off-kilter anymore. I have problems with failing, one mistake and I go off on myself, I truly feel worthless after I "practice" most days. "what the hell is wrong with me, why did I miss that, what the hell? that's such an easy passage." I turn into some kind of baby, I can not handle messing up. I loathe myself when I play, all I want is to create the sound and life I hear in my head.
It's always "I should be able to do this, why can't I get this right away? Why do I even bother?" I had a lesson with my teacher last weekend and half way through, I shut off, I mean completely numb, I am sure it made him uncomfortable and I will apologize to him this week. He says I am too impatient with myself, that I am improving but that I need to live in the now and not in the future, and he is right, but I am so scared that I will not be able to get into a music program at a university that I do not cut myself any slack. When he says that I am doing okay I always find something that sucks and berate myself into some disgusting wretch. He also has told me that I have talent and a lot of potential to do it, but for some messed up reason I do not believe him... he must hate me.
Both my brother and father are geniuses (no joke) and by comparison I feel inadequate, though I have not had an IQ test. My dad is awesome, we do not spend a lot of time together because he is out of the country a lot but I look up to him so much. My brother also plays the guitar and is a wonder to listen to.
High school was okay for two years. I got beaten up freshmen year and the guy pushed me over and I broke my arm. I was called "broken arm boy" for a while and I got to try codine which was fun. One of the guys who was there is now a friend of mine, he is a cool guy. I sat in the corridors reading (high school libraries are aimed at fourth graders by the way) and thinking during lunch and I could draw during class when I got bored, which was and still is often. Hell I drew a picture in ASL today.
Then my younger brother arrived on the scene and with him came the unlikely title of " (my brothers) brother" what the **** man? I would get so angry at anyone who called me that>< I am tensing up just thinking about it. ugh
I have a quick temper. I enjoy arguing with people, mostly my mother just because she becomes flustered quickly and is stubborn like myself. I think it may be that anger and frustration are the emotions I have become accustomed to and as such I try to provoke those reactions from people I know will tolerate my outbursts. I feel nice when I am angry. It's an evil nice though.
I keep asking myself if I have some manic disposition or if I am depressed. Then I start telling myself to stop feeling so sorry for my life and to get on with it. I have thought of death before, what it would be like to walk into traffic or let go of the steering wheel in a turn. It does not seem worth it, by throwing away my life i think it would be completely unfair on my parents, I was a very premature birth and almost did not make it home a few times and as an added bonus I've got mild spastic cerebral palsy from the birth. I do not have the right to do that to them I think, it would be insensitive to take their work away from them, their emotional investment is greater than mine. Then I wonder what happens if I do not do anything with my life? If I end up like my older half brother, sitting at home living on the dole and getting high each day just to function (My older half brother, not my younger.)
I feel disconnected most of the time. I have two friends who I see each week and they are great guys. Randomness: I really do not like being touched at all and yet people find great joy in doing so. My sense of touch is overly sensitive most of the time and when someone puts their hand on my shoulder or pokes me I jerk quite violently; it makes me so very uncomfortable. People used to touch me just to see what kind of reaction they could get from me, and of course it was quite a show. The friends now have gotten over the novelty of seeing me jump from actually jabbing me and now just do the fake "I was going to jab you motion" so I spaz-out. I should be used to it but I can not seem to control it unless I am relaxed, which is honestly rarely. They do not seem to care that it makes me uncomfortable.
I do not think it is normal to not be able to remember the last... honestly ten years of my life properly... actually I can not really remember most of my life. It's all mostly bad stuff... but not the actual events... wtf. I think I may have gotten messed up so often that I flipped the switch that lets my memory run out my ears, I know its there but its like I am in a dark room and there is no door. I can remember the teachers who were nice to me though, music mostly. They are all smiling.
I know this is random and longwinded but I would like you opinion if I am depressed or not. I plan on finding a therapist once my parents get back from Turkey in a week. I just want to get on to the good parts of my life, I want to be proud in what I do and in myself instead of feeling disgust in everything.
Thanks
I am a nineteen year old guy who moved to the U.S. ten years ago.
Since I moved to the U.S I have had a feeling of being disconnected to those around me. I have blocked-out most of my first two years here, the main thing I remember is sitting in the nurses office one day trying to breath properly after being placed in a headlock by one of my classmates, when I try to remember anything it's just not there. I have been told by my parents that I was mistreated a lot by my schoolmates and I think I must have come off as arrogant or strange...
We did eventually move because the school did not help me. A year went by and I think it went okay, it's gone too though. Middle school came and I think I was in seventh grade when my math teacher commented on my ability to say "seven," which started my preteen school nickname of " seven eleven" har har. I joined the school orchestra and played violin then, it was the only time I felt happy really and I even talked to people, though not a whole lot... it's fuzzy too.
I got through that but did my best to destroy any trace of my original accent, though it slips through occasionally when I am interested or in a good mood. Most of the time nowadays though, I feel I must be offsetting to others, like I am too full of myself or I am being callous without meaning to; like a freak really and that I make them dislike me. I am down to one class at the moment, it is the sole enjoyable thing in my life at the moment, and though the other classmates talk to me I still feel that they are doing so out of necessity.
I have gained a lot of weight, enough to dislike myself when I am alone. Lately I have been telling myself that going to the gym would be worthwhile, and then I tell myself that there would be no point.
I have now come to realize that I have created for myself a pattern of failure. People tell me I'm smart but I don't see it, I think they say that because I like to read. I am so sick of these feelings of worthlessness.
Since starting community college, I have repeated my cycle, I sign for classes I would enjoy and desperately need, and half way through the semester I give up. It's been going on for two years, my gpa is shot; I have told my mother already but not my father, I am scared of seeing the disappointment in his eyes. I think he knows though...
I "play" the cello and I wish I could say that with some confidence. I want to succeed at this so very badly on most days, I want to be able to express my emotions through music as so many others can, I do not want to feel so off-kilter anymore. I have problems with failing, one mistake and I go off on myself, I truly feel worthless after I "practice" most days. "what the hell is wrong with me, why did I miss that, what the hell? that's such an easy passage." I turn into some kind of baby, I can not handle messing up. I loathe myself when I play, all I want is to create the sound and life I hear in my head.
It's always "I should be able to do this, why can't I get this right away? Why do I even bother?" I had a lesson with my teacher last weekend and half way through, I shut off, I mean completely numb, I am sure it made him uncomfortable and I will apologize to him this week. He says I am too impatient with myself, that I am improving but that I need to live in the now and not in the future, and he is right, but I am so scared that I will not be able to get into a music program at a university that I do not cut myself any slack. When he says that I am doing okay I always find something that sucks and berate myself into some disgusting wretch. He also has told me that I have talent and a lot of potential to do it, but for some messed up reason I do not believe him... he must hate me.
Both my brother and father are geniuses (no joke) and by comparison I feel inadequate, though I have not had an IQ test. My dad is awesome, we do not spend a lot of time together because he is out of the country a lot but I look up to him so much. My brother also plays the guitar and is a wonder to listen to.
High school was okay for two years. I got beaten up freshmen year and the guy pushed me over and I broke my arm. I was called "broken arm boy" for a while and I got to try codine which was fun. One of the guys who was there is now a friend of mine, he is a cool guy. I sat in the corridors reading (high school libraries are aimed at fourth graders by the way) and thinking during lunch and I could draw during class when I got bored, which was and still is often. Hell I drew a picture in ASL today.
Then my younger brother arrived on the scene and with him came the unlikely title of " (my brothers) brother" what the **** man? I would get so angry at anyone who called me that>< I am tensing up just thinking about it. ugh
I have a quick temper. I enjoy arguing with people, mostly my mother just because she becomes flustered quickly and is stubborn like myself. I think it may be that anger and frustration are the emotions I have become accustomed to and as such I try to provoke those reactions from people I know will tolerate my outbursts. I feel nice when I am angry. It's an evil nice though.
I keep asking myself if I have some manic disposition or if I am depressed. Then I start telling myself to stop feeling so sorry for my life and to get on with it. I have thought of death before, what it would be like to walk into traffic or let go of the steering wheel in a turn. It does not seem worth it, by throwing away my life i think it would be completely unfair on my parents, I was a very premature birth and almost did not make it home a few times and as an added bonus I've got mild spastic cerebral palsy from the birth. I do not have the right to do that to them I think, it would be insensitive to take their work away from them, their emotional investment is greater than mine. Then I wonder what happens if I do not do anything with my life? If I end up like my older half brother, sitting at home living on the dole and getting high each day just to function (My older half brother, not my younger.)
I feel disconnected most of the time. I have two friends who I see each week and they are great guys. Randomness: I really do not like being touched at all and yet people find great joy in doing so. My sense of touch is overly sensitive most of the time and when someone puts their hand on my shoulder or pokes me I jerk quite violently; it makes me so very uncomfortable. People used to touch me just to see what kind of reaction they could get from me, and of course it was quite a show. The friends now have gotten over the novelty of seeing me jump from actually jabbing me and now just do the fake "I was going to jab you motion" so I spaz-out. I should be used to it but I can not seem to control it unless I am relaxed, which is honestly rarely. They do not seem to care that it makes me uncomfortable.
I do not think it is normal to not be able to remember the last... honestly ten years of my life properly... actually I can not really remember most of my life. It's all mostly bad stuff... but not the actual events... wtf. I think I may have gotten messed up so often that I flipped the switch that lets my memory run out my ears, I know its there but its like I am in a dark room and there is no door. I can remember the teachers who were nice to me though, music mostly. They are all smiling.
I know this is random and longwinded but I would like you opinion if I am depressed or not. I plan on finding a therapist once my parents get back from Turkey in a week. I just want to get on to the good parts of my life, I want to be proud in what I do and in myself instead of feeling disgust in everything.
Thanks
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I Was Recently In A Car Accident. I've Been Pretty Badly Injured And I Will HAve some Of The Injuries For The Rest Of My Life. After That I, The Same As You, Began To Think About Death. Lying In A Bed In Pain Everyday Really Wasnt What I Wanted to Be Doing. Kept thinking About How It would Be Better If I Was Dead. But someone Did However Talk To Me and I Ended Up Thinking That It would Be Completely Pointless Ending My Life and That I should Be Prooving I can Get Past this. I think You've Already Made this Choice. Its A Big Step.
Again Like I said I'm No Expert .. Its Up To You How You Move On From Here. but I Wish Youu Luck and Hope Everything Works Out Good For you.
Elspeth. xx.