how do I tell my partner

[confusedgirl25]

i started seeing someone new,and we started having unprotected sex about a month ago. We had "the talk" and both of us  disclosed that we had never had an std. My partner has now left the country for 3 weeks. the day after he left, I noticed severe symptoms of herpes. This was confirmed at the doctor, and because of the severity of the outbreak, the fact that the sores were wide spread, not in clusters, I had a throat infection and fever, he thought  it was an initial outbreak. I have never had any symptoms before. The doctor said that i "more than likely" got this from my new bf. I have spoken to my bf on the phone and told him that something was up, but that I was waiting for test results. I asked him if he ever had ANY type redness, soreness or bump. He said he occasionally gets chaffing on the shaft of his penis from to much walking at work. Is it possible that he is confusing this "chaffing" with herpes? Is he in denial of the symptoms? Can the symptoms be that mild? I don't want to sound naive, but I really don't think that he would try to hide this from me. I have known him for a long time, and I just don't see him as that malicious, as he is interested in a long term relationship with me  and he is not at all sexually promiscuous. He also just came out of a two year relationship with a girl, so you think this would have come up, although he said their sexual relationship was limited. I really want to talk to him about this, but want to wait until he's back here in person. I don't know how go about it. I don't want to freak out and yell, because this could very well be news to him too. There is also the possibility that I had the virus before, but never an outbreak. The other thing is that I live in Canada and they don't do blood testing for HSV, only a culture swab. That means he would only be able to find out if he has it if he has an outbreak. What do I do???????

[auntiejessi]

How about "After you left, I got symptoms, and went to the doc, and its herpes.  I don't know if the stuff you said you had was herpes or not, but you should get tested so we know what, if any precautions, we have to use."

That's not blaming or accusing.  Its just stating facts.

Did your doc do a culture or just visually diagnose this?

AJ

[confusedgirl25]

he did a culture, and it was positive for HPV2. I think I want to wait to have sex with my boyfriend until after we find out if he's positive or not. I guess that means waiting until he has one of his "outbreaks". Learning that I have this disease has been a real eye opener, and I am afraid it might effect my ability to enjoy sex of any kind. Is this common? If I do overcome this issue in the future, and we both have herpes, can we have unprotected sex, or can we reinfect each other?

[gracefromHHP]

You can still get a type specific herpes igg blood test in canada. They are available for your doctors to order whether they realize it or not.  You might have to pay out of pocket though since they seem not to be covered under the insurance plans unless ordered by an infectious disease doc or an OB/GYN from what I understand.  If you live close enough to the border - consider taking a road trip to the US and having made arrangements beforehand thru an online testing agency like healthcheckusa.com or tstd.org.

If you do both have hsv2 then you don't have to worry about reinfecting each other or making each other "worse" though certainly wait until this first episode for yourself is fully healed.  

I'm guessing his chaffing really is herpes though. It's more common to have very mild symptoms like that than it is to have "classic" symptoms like you have currently.

Hope you are feeling better soon :)

grace

[waringblender]

Do you mean you were positive for HSV2 and not HPV2? I'm guessing that's a typo. I like the advice about just giving out the facts. So many people are walking around with this and don't know they have it, it's really likely that's the case with this guy.

Lucky you for having single payer health insurance, living in Canada! Good luck on the testing.

[Canuckchick]

I had the same sort of experience. After being with my BF for almost 2 yrs I had a full on outbreak. The 1st one I've ever had. Previous to that he'd had a sore spot inside his urethra after a shower and thought it was irritation from soap. I've since tested pos for HSV1 and 2 (I knew about 1...been getting cold sores since I was a child) but his test was inconclusive. We'd had unprotected sex for the whole relationship to that point so we just assume if I'm pos then he is too. I have outbreaks almost monthly but he's never had a real true outbreak. He gets itching and discomfort but that's it. We're not placing any blame because we honestly don't know who infected whom...maybe it had lain dormant in me and maybe it's dormant in him...who knows? We just get by as best we can and try not to think of it. Unfortunately I have monthly reminders and I get a bit down at those times (I HATE having this!) and he feels guilty because he's convinced he gave it to me.

When I was diagnosed they did a culture swab and it was negative. Then I had another outbreak about 2 weeks later so they actually drew fluid off the blister and it was positive. I did some checking online and you can get a Western Blot test done for about $100. I think it's thru MLS labs but has to be set up by your Dr. Double check on that info tho as it's been about 2 yrs since I checked into it.

You can still have a 'normal' relationship if you're both infected. We avoid oral sex for the most part : ( because you can spread it if you have an open sore. I'd rather not have HSV2 and 1 in my mouth. We also use condoms just as a precaution because, really, so little is known about how this spreads. I found a lot of conflicting information, both on line and from my Dr, so we choose to be as safe as we can.

good luck. I agree that you should just state facts when you talk to your BF. Don't play any blame games because there's no point. If you have it and you've been having unprotected sex then there's a very good chance he has it too. Not 100% tho. I'd suggest he pay and get the Western Blot to be sure.

[waringblender]

Canuckchick, have you thought about using suppressive medication to control your outbreaks? Even if it's not to protect your partner, the medication would still be useful to control it for you if you can't stand getting OBs.

[Canuckchick]

I have and they do work but I'm trying to get pregnant and since there's not a lot of info on whether it's bad for the fetus or not I'm opting to stay away from them. Don't want to take any chance, you know? In the meantime I have to suffer thru the frequent outbreaks. Thankfully they're getting a bit less in frequency and severity as time goes on. In the beginning I was getting an outbreak every few weeks..some right back to back. Not fun.

Atho thinking about having a baby when I know I have the dreaded H isn't a lot of fun either. It is definitely cause for worry.

[confusedgirl25]

a couple of questions for anyone who might know.

1) In Canada, can you go to any walk in clinic and request a western blot test? I know it has to be paid for, but how do you go about doing that?

2) Can anyone recomend any literature on the topic. I really want to know more about sexual contact between two HSV2 positive people and the risks

3) How many and how often does one have to have an outbreak to consider suppressive therapy. I was prescribed valtrex for this initial outbreak, and it has cleared up. I think it works for me. Is it possible to get an Rx from a doc just to have on hand when you feel one coming on?

[confusedgirl25]

canuckchick,

I thought I read that is was not very common to get cold sores from HSV2. I do not have HSV1 and have never had a cold sore. Neither has my boyfriend. I most certainly dont want one, but at the same time dont want to eliminate oral sex from my life forever. Do you know anything about the probability of HSV2 cold sores? I am very curious. Also, since you are trying to get pregnant, does this herpes business mean that you have to have a c-section? this concerns me. What does your doc say?

[Canuckchick]

I was told that I needed to get my GP to requisition a Western Blot test for me. The clinic that I went to is a major clinic in Toronto and they didn't do them or refer people. It's pretty ridiculous that it's not an easily accessible test to have done when 1 in 4 people have HSV. Very frustrating.

I did all my research online. Just google Herpes and you'll get tons of info.

I took Valtrex daily for a few months because I was getting outbreaks every few weeks at the beginning. It's been almost 2 yrs now and I get them every month or 2. I don't take the pills anymore because I'm trying to get pregnant. I've also taken them periodically ...at the beginning of an outbreak I'll start the pills and take them daily till the sore is gone...and it seems to make it heal faster. It's pretty much up to the individual, I guess.

hope that helps some

[confusedgirl25]

thanks so much, everyone here is so helpful.

is there anyway to tell how often or how severe my outbreaks will be? My first one was so bad that I needed to take 4 days off work. All in all, with the valtrex, the sores were present for 7 days. I also just came off IV antibiotics, so my immune system is down. does that mean maybe in the future they wont be so bad? I couldn't live with having that every month. Are there any dietary habits that can reduce the frequency or severity of these outbreaks?

[gracefromHHP]

You can stay on suppressive therapy until you confirm your pregnancy.  You can confirm pregnancy with otc pregnancy tests long before you are ever sharing a blood supply with the fetus for there to be any risk at all.  We also know that suppressive therapy is safe for the last month of pregnancy too so you can start it up again then in the higher pregnancy doses to lessen the chance of having an active lesion at the time of delivery so you can deliver vaginally.  25+ years of acyclovir and from the pregnancy and acyclovir registry there aren't any known risks to the fetus when taken during the first 3 months of