Is he the one?

[WeMissYouDalin]

I haven't been on here in a while but I need some advice.  My fiance and I are getting married in August and lately I have been thinking a lot about everything.  There will never be another man to tell me that he loves me, or no more first kisses, or no more flirting, no more firsts other than having kids... it is so weird to me.  I miss the romance and all of the suprises and the excitment of a new relationship.  I started a new job a week ago and there is a guy there that I find myself flirting with, I'm not really attracted to him, he is just really nice and funny, but I hardly know him.  I don't know if it is because it's something new and something that after August I wont ever get again.  Is it cold feet?  I love my fiance with all I have but... what happens next?  We just settle down and have babies?

[kathryn80]

Did I see you are 20?  I got married when I was 22... I can't be a judge on this, but if you love him and feel he is going to be your life mate and partner forever than go for it!  Just don't with a heavy heart.  It may just be cold feet.  Is he good to you?  Do you feel like he is the man you want to have children with?  Is there anything you dismiss and say that you will eventually get him to change?  Is it just a mild flirtation?  You are only human... it happens and could mean nothing.

[teko]

No, it will end. Marriage is a committment to that other person for life. Marriage is also hard work so be sure you want to make that committment. You are very young and if you are still interested in flirting and getting attention from others, then you are not ready for marriage. Marriage is what yu make it and the statistics are 1 in 2 will end in divorce. You could slow it all down and give yourself more time to think about what you are doing. You are the only one who knows for sure. Good luck

[jo929]

If you feel this way now, just think how it will be later, you are young, and you really should be excited about the marriage, but if you are not, wait, because it sounds like you really are not ready for a lifetime with this man,   luck  jo

[WeMissYouDalin]

kathryn80~ He is really good to me and he is very sweet.  I do see myself having kids with him the only big thing with us is that I don't like his parents.  I can't stand how they raises their kids.  They are very rude to me, and ignore me and I have always tried my hardest to be nice to them.  They are so controlling over my fiance and its horrible.  He is 25 and they need to let go!  With this other guy I'm not attracted to him at all, he is just funny and makes me laugh and when he flirts, I can't help but do it back.  I find myself wanting to talk to him quite a bit but that I think is more for the laugh because he is always so funny!

[kathryn80]

I see.  Inlaws are tricky.  They can be a real sore spot in your marriage if your honey is not willing to stand up to them when they are obviously rude to you.  That is something I've seen in several marriages around me.  

My friend told her mom in law after asked about food restrictions that there are only 4 foods in the world her body just can't digest...well, that night at dinner... she served 3 out of the 4!  Being a southern lady, she was raised to eat it anyway, but that was after some other horrid stuff she did, so instead, the 4th thing she served she could eat (mashed potatoes), so she heaped her plate full of them and complemented her profusely on what a wonderful meal it was!!  I got a kick out of that.  

My inlaws were a bit controlling over my ex.  He was immature and they were manipulative.  They were never, ever disrespectful to me, however he did not rely on me, rather them, to help him with life decisions that would in turn effect me. It was rather frustrating because I often felt he could not stand up and "be the man" so to speak.  I often made decisions surrounding important issues and if they didn't go well was to blame.  I believe that marriage counseling, a really good counselor, would have helped if we had gone earlier.  There were so many issues for us way beyond this, so maybe not.  You can handle the inlaws if that is what it takes to be with the man of your dreams.  Does he realize how they treat you?  Can you talk to him openly about how this makes you feel and your worries for your future surrounding this issue?  Do it very calmly and dispassionately and it will help not instigate a fight.  Try to use exact examples as well so he firmly understands exactly what you are talking about.  

On the other guy... again, we are all only human.  People have chemistry together, but it doesn't mean they have to act on it.  Obviously being overly flirtatious is not proper, but if you have a few laughs with someone and enjoy their company and they know you are in a committed relationship, friends should be ok, but it gets tricky with opposite sex friends post marriage... unless it is an old friend that your honey is ultra comfy with.  I'm sure many people don't feel the same on this opinion either.  I guess I should say it also depends on the person.  

Best luck!!

[WeMissYouDalin]

Well I have told him that I expect curtain things from his parents once kids become involved and if I bring it up again he just says "I know" and he thinks I'm nagging him, which I don't think I am.  His parents are hispanic and speak mainly that at home which is fine, and I know some and continue to learn more.  His parents get upset with me because I never eat at their house because I can't eat spicy food, I just can't and that is ALL his mom cooks.  She knows I don't like the spicy food, or mexican food really and she always makes it, which is fine but my fainces little brother doesn't even eat half of what she makes because of the spice.  He talked to his parents over a month ago because they just got so horrible to me it was he talked to them or I walked.  They have done very little to try and include me, and it is still frustrating but I love my fiance and I can't walk away, I would rather just deal with his parents.  The only think that I said to my fiance that was something that I was absolutly not okay with is his parents speaking spanish to my kids while I'm around because I will not allow them to ignore me while in my own home or with my children.  Once I get to the point where I know a lot more Spanish then it may become okay, and I'm afraid that is one thing my fiance wont enforce.

The other guy is just fun to be around and I just relax around him because he is always making me laugh.  I enjoy that... and I think that is all it is.

[teko]

Unfortunately when you marry someone, you inherit their family and they inherit you. It sounds like there is a huge culture difference there also. You do not like their native food nor do you speak their language, at least , not well. I know how you want it to be, but wanting it does not make it happen.  If you marry into this culture you and they will have to meet each other half way, it does not sound like that is going to happen. The boyfriend will be pulled from both sides and it does not sound like he is going to be assertive with his family, and will ultimately be angry and resentful which will in and of itself have a problematic effect on his relationship with you.  I would think long and hard about this situation if I were you. This does not sound like a healthy atmosphere and from all that you post, it does not sound like something that will work long term. It sounds like the two of you need to slow down and see if some of this stuff works itself out on its own. Why put yourself or your bf thru it now, if a little more time will allow things to settle down and improve a little bit. If his mom does not like you, you are in for one hell of a time. Think now or forever hold you peace.

[WeMissYouDalin]

I know some spanish and I am learning spanish from my fiance, so it isn't like I'm not trying.  I actually don't really like any food other than American food, so it's not just Mexican.  To his parents they think that they include me and they consider me a part of the family but both me and my fiance don't see that.  He will stick up for me if I make him and he has gotten better about that in the last few months.  We don't have any other problems, it's just with his parents and he has problems with them too.  

[BearHitch]

First things first, the big red flag and it is about your in-laws.  I have one piece of advice: when you marry a man, you marry his family.  If you don't have the relationship you want with them or if he does not stick up against them now, do not anticipate that to change!  I would be glad to speak more with you if you'd like regarding this as I had the worst time with my in-laws until I gave DH the ultimatum of standing up for me or saying goodbye.  It may not seem like it, but this is a huge thing and can stir up quite some problems in a marriage - trust me!

Second, I think that it is okay to get cold feet - its not like men are the only ones!  However, if you are even entertaining the idea of being with another man- such as your coworker- before you get married, I would not do it.  In my book, the "innocent flirting" with coworkers is a sign of bigger problems, and that is not good or okay.  When you get married you get exclusivity of those emotions and feelings and you seem to be sharing them with someone, as you said, you barely know.