my boyfriend is an alcoholic, should I leave him or help him?

[smt84]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years he has always had problems with alcohol.After two years of being together her started physicaly abusing me after drinking,although this has not happend again for several years he still becomes very violent and verbally abusive.I love him with all my haert and dont want to give up on him but i dont think that i can keep on living this way.. What should I do?

[jml1986]

Leaving him has to be  up to you , but I will tell you that abuse of any kind is still abuse and noone has the right to abuse you. Sadly, love can not help an alcoholic, and if you stay in the relationship for love, you will most likely get hurt. The cold hard truth is you can't help him, he has to help himself, and he won't do that unless he is ready.  

[chloe802]

Honey...OMG...I thought that was my post. I have been AND going through the same exzact relationship you are. First, let me tell you a lil bit about my situation, then let me tell you what I KNOW and think you CAN and SHOULD do.

Well, I've been married for 5 years, and w/ my husband for 7. An alcholic will never get help until they WANT to for themselves. Usually that takes them to hit rock bottom. Before we were married, I had ALL the signs there. When we met, I was the bartender, he was my customer on a Sat afternoon, drinking a beer. He was drunk the first night I met him. I liked to "party" as well back the, so we moved on, fell in love, etc. Our relationship turned abusive, w/ the physical first, in the first year. Broken nose, w 2 black eyes, another time it was being kicked in the back and suffered 2 broken ribs, another time it was 6 STAPLES in my head, and other black eyes here and there, bruises ALWAYS on my arms from him grabbing me. Finally, one night I called the police, and he was arrested. He was put on probation and breathalyzers. So, no drinking for 8 months, and took the domestic violence classes. Years pass again, no more abuse (physical) but the DRINKING was WAY WORSE. Never home, always drunk, and he is MISERABLE sober. Just last April 7th, he came home stumbling cross eyed, and I wouldn't let him in the house. I was done. He went to leave, and I tried to grab his coat from him (Because he had some pills and he said he was going to commit "suicide'.... see there's mental abuse falling in) and he turned around and knocked me a good one, right side cheek, black and blue. I had it. Called the police, he did 30 days in jail. I STILL stayed w/ him, and trust me, I'm giving you the short versions... I didn't throw in all the times he choked me till I almost passed out. I wanted to go to marriage counseling and him to AA, change his ways, etc. The FIRST thing he did when he got out of jail was buy a 6 pack, and has been drunk EVERY night, and its been 21 days.

Honey, I'm 35 years old, a kind, loving person, and I bet you are too. I am leaving my alcoholic husband, before its too late, and you should to. See, our crazy marriage ALL boils down to, you got it, the drinking. He will alwyas put that drink first before ANYONE or anything else. I made dinners a million times that went cold, sat home alone night after night, oh... and havent been out for dinner since May 10th of 2007. Thats one year and 18 days ago.

I love my husband too, but, I can't change him. I would SERIOUSLY think HARD before your relationship spirals into an AWFUL AWFUL thing. Your LIFE. Do you suffer from the mental abuse? Usually partners of alcoholics do. My husband told me last night (while he was drunk) that he can make more $$$ than me in 2 days than I can in 2 weeks, so thats why I still have to do the dishes. I could go on and on. This will SERIOUSLY take a toll on you, worse, kill you. I've lost 30 lbs since I met him, and never once went on a diet or ran a mile. I spent many nights driving around looking for him, crying, calling, found him passed out at many friends, lets not forget the hotel statement I found on his ATM bank statement, one night he never came home. MANY NIGHTS he has never came home.

So, thats how it is for me, living w/ an alcoholic. Theres this board, support groups out there for help, but its your bf that needs the help, and he will NEVER quit drinking until he admits he has a problum, realizes he's powerless of the alcohol, and WANTS to quit. I thought it would always get better, but it doesn't. I became addicted to pain pills during the time to hide the mental pain I was going through, now I have another battle, but I'm in recovery, and getting help. I've lost a lot of friends (Some of them give up on you because they get sick of the same old, same old) and my self esteem hit rock bottom. Please dont make the same mistake I did. There's nothing worse.

[ready2help]

I take a simple position on this: in light of his history, especially the violence, I would give him an ultimatum - treatment or you're leaving. Only do this if you are prepared to go through with the leaving part. If he goes to treatment and truly gets sober, I would not marry/commit further till he has at least a year of continuous recovery under his belt.

Otehrwise, you will live like this forever - it will not get better, only worse, the disease is progressive, you probably know this by now

Oh, and I would go to Alanon. Interesting thing about this disease - the denial extends to the significasnt other as well. Get support!

Good luck!

[azezal]

Depends if you want a battered lamborgini that you will have to take to the mechanic often or a well running ford focus.

[smc429]

Wow I thought I was reading my profile on my friend....I have been with this man
for about 5yrs. I met him a bar and we became friends. I fell in love with this person,
if you would call that love. Ive helped him with driving him around town. He has never hit
me unitl 2wks ago. We were fighting aout something stuipd. I have told him dont you ever
hit me again. Why cant I leave this person? Im such a better person than this. I dont drink anymore. Im currently seeking a third kidney transplant and going on interferon in
august. He always wants me to drink with him, but I dont. He knows what Im going through also.Also Im on dialysis 3 times awk. He quit hes job and now he is living in a hotel. He wanted me to stay in the hotel with him, but I said, Im not doing this. The motel is so dirty. We currently have a cell phone together too. When things dont go hes
way, he goes down south. Than something happens down there and than he calls me to
help him, which I do. I want someone in my life that is good to me. He does not drive and Im getting sick of driving him places. Just this wk I told him was not going to see him everyday. He thinks my life revolves around him  and it dont.I currently lost my job last yr and Im not disability. So I dont have the money to do things. My money is tried up with bills. He gives me money for the phone bill and I have to drag money out of him for gas. He knows that he is better person when he is not drinking and I cannot change him, unless wants to. We are friends with benefits. But the sex has stopped. Could someone give me some insight?

[Downey]

Many years ago I had a severe drinking problem and was told if I didn't stop the man I was living with would leave me. I stopped and he stayed and the rest is history. Give him one last chance and if he doesn't stop you should move on.

Jules