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Dating an Impotent Man Who Avoids Addressing the Problem
by InstantD, May 28, 2008 11:10PM
Hi there,
I'm a 27/f who has been dating her 29 y/o boyfriend for a year and a half. Though I had my share of boyfriends in the past, when we started dating my boyfriend was still a virgin, and had only had one girlfriend before me. We hit it off like good friends off the bat, but sex was a different matter. The first time, he got hard, but lost the erection. I told him that it was okay, and that we could do other things... However, our sex seemed to take a nosedive from there. My bf can get hard on his own when masturbating really hard and really fast, and he says he masturbates every night to get to sleep (we live apart). He rarely gets an erection around me. If it does get hard at all, it's soft, and he loses it quickly. I really love sexual intercourse, and it's been painful to go without for this long, although we do try other forms of pleasure - mainly fingers, as he doesn't like giving oral. Foreplay is completely non-existent, since he expects me jump on him and insert right away if he gets even slightly hard - forgive me for being so straightforward, but it's how it is... If I even try to talk about it he gets very defensive, and verbally attacks me if I ask about going to a doctor to find out if there is a possible physical cause. He tells me that he isn't something 'broken' that I need to 'fix' and that I should love him for who he is. I DO love him, and because of that and my attraction towards him, I want to have sex with him - but he doesn't seem to understand that. He just sees that I believe that there is something wrong with him, and he has to 'change' for me, or take drugs for me, which he is not willing to do. He did go to the doctor once, because I persisted, but didn't tell me what became of it - only that there was a blood test ordered, which he never got done. He believes I am selfish for wanting him to see a doctor. We've grown really distant to each other over this topic, and I've cried many a lonely night because we feel so far apart, and not close at all. From the beginning I was very patient and accepting of his idiosyncrasies, because I knew that he had very little experience with women and relationships, but think it may have hurt me in the long run because he thinks that I should just love him without him putting much into the relationship. He is an avid xbox gamer, and stays up to 3 or 4 in the morning playing games, goes to work around (he has very flexible hours), and then complains that he doesn't get enough sleep. He complains that I want to spend time with him because it cuts into his videogame hours, and this is a big sacrifice for him - he mentions this frequently, and very seriously; he believes I'm very ungrateful and needy for wanting to spend time together. We see each other once during the week, and during weekends. He says it's very frequent for him, and wants to cut back. I don't know what to do about the erection problem, or the cold way he treats me. I've tried to be warm/patient, but my eye has started to stray because the patience is wearing thin. Please help.
I'm a 27/f who has been dating her 29 y/o boyfriend for a year and a half. Though I had my share of boyfriends in the past, when we started dating my boyfriend was still a virgin, and had only had one girlfriend before me. We hit it off like good friends off the bat, but sex was a different matter. The first time, he got hard, but lost the erection. I told him that it was okay, and that we could do other things... However, our sex seemed to take a nosedive from there. My bf can get hard on his own when masturbating really hard and really fast, and he says he masturbates every night to get to sleep (we live apart). He rarely gets an erection around me. If it does get hard at all, it's soft, and he loses it quickly. I really love sexual intercourse, and it's been painful to go without for this long, although we do try other forms of pleasure - mainly fingers, as he doesn't like giving oral. Foreplay is completely non-existent, since he expects me jump on him and insert right away if he gets even slightly hard - forgive me for being so straightforward, but it's how it is... If I even try to talk about it he gets very defensive, and verbally attacks me if I ask about going to a doctor to find out if there is a possible physical cause. He tells me that he isn't something 'broken' that I need to 'fix' and that I should love him for who he is. I DO love him, and because of that and my attraction towards him, I want to have sex with him - but he doesn't seem to understand that. He just sees that I believe that there is something wrong with him, and he has to 'change' for me, or take drugs for me, which he is not willing to do. He did go to the doctor once, because I persisted, but didn't tell me what became of it - only that there was a blood test ordered, which he never got done. He believes I am selfish for wanting him to see a doctor. We've grown really distant to each other over this topic, and I've cried many a lonely night because we feel so far apart, and not close at all. From the beginning I was very patient and accepting of his idiosyncrasies, because I knew that he had very little experience with women and relationships, but think it may have hurt me in the long run because he thinks that I should just love him without him putting much into the relationship. He is an avid xbox gamer, and stays up to 3 or 4 in the morning playing games, goes to work around (he has very flexible hours), and then complains that he doesn't get enough sleep. He complains that I want to spend time with him because it cuts into his videogame hours, and this is a big sacrifice for him - he mentions this frequently, and very seriously; he believes I'm very ungrateful and needy for wanting to spend time together. We see each other once during the week, and during weekends. He says it's very frequent for him, and wants to cut back. I don't know what to do about the erection problem, or the cold way he treats me. I've tried to be warm/patient, but my eye has started to stray because the patience is wearing thin. Please help.
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For the man to be almost 30, he certainly is immature - in several ways!
There are a few possible reasons for his distance and coldness...
he may be gay and on the down-low (sounds like it to me)
he may have a mental/emotional disorder (like Borderline Personality Disorder, etc)
he may be "not that into you" and is too lazy (or cowardly) to break it off
Whatever it is, you deserve more out of a relationship.
Run - dont walk! - to the nearest exit strategy...if he cared for your feelings he'd try to fix his sexual failings.
FYI, a young man who refuses to have sex with the woman he professes to "be with"...who "doesnt like to give oral"..... who cant maintain an erection throughout the entire relationship & cant be bothered to find out why....who resents his GF wanting to see him once a week (?!).....he's batting for the other team, hon.
You can keep him for a friend, but he'll NEVER be your sexual partner.
i think you nailed everything i was thinking
EXCEPT
another WOMAN.....
b/c him not wanting to see you, def sends that signal my way....he doesnt want to see you, cos he already has plans to see another woman....or man either one....
you need a new man....you're not old by any means, and you havent mentioned children, so i'm def assuming there are men out there who'd snatch your a$$, marry you, have kids the whole 9 yards, and STILL want to have sex with you.....so go find one!!!!!
my fiance loves his xbox/ps2.....but in moderation....like when i'm reading or when i was working and wouldnt get home till like an hour or so after he did....and now i'm pregnant, he plays while i'm napping.....etc......but believe me, when i want some, i get some! no doubt about it! and he's not very oral(not since i've been preg haha), but he makes up for it!!!