Hormones or something else?

[Mackwell]

Okay, I know this forum is mostly women, but I was needing maybe a woman's point of view on something, so here it goes (it's kinda long).

My fiancee and I have been together for a while and totally in love.  She has 3 boys of her own and I have a daughter that I see every weekend.  About 3 weeks ago we found out she was pregnant.  That was great; it wasn't expected or planned, but we weren't disappointed either.  Well, about a couple of weeks ago she started getting nausea and just tired all the time.  Even when she wasn't nauseous, she still just didn't feel 'right', not herself.  It was about this time that I noticed subtle changes in her behavior: definitely more easily annoyed, irritable, and at night in bed, didn't want to be touched (before this we regularly slept next to each other, holding on to one another).  At first, I took this quite personally, as I thought I had done something wrong and she didn't want me anymore.  It was like this for about a week or so.  I could handle it because she would always make up for it by apologizing in the morning and as far as our verbal communication went (texting, phone, or in person), it hadn't changed too much.

This last Wednesday we had our first appointment, and one of the things that the doctor mentioned to her was that she has a real chance of having twins based on both family history and the fact that she never had all the nausea and fatigue and just general feelings of '****' with her previous 3 pregnancies that she is having now.  The doctor had blood work done and she called her on Thursday telling her that her HgC levels were quite high, which explained all the nausea, and that she was now anxious to see what our first ultrasound would show.  My fiancee and I both took this to mean that she believed, based on the HgC levels, that she could possibly be having twins.

Ever since this past Friday, I have been feeling like my fiancee has been withdrawing more and more.  It's like she won't spend more time with me than she has to, things that she normally would have asked me to do, she insists on doing herself, and the worst part and most noticable is that verbally I feel like she is withrawing, not talking as much, doesn't return phone calls or texts right away like she used to.  And at night, I might as well be invisible in bed.

I have been doing everything I can to reassure her that I love her, that I still find her attractive, that I'm not going to leave or find anyone else, and that I will always be here.  I feel like none of it though is making a difference.  It has taken everything in me on a daily basis to convince myself that it is all just the hormones and because she feels so crappy all the time, but I am starting to have my doubts.  I have this overwhelming feeling that something is wrong but she isn't telling me.  I feel like that whatever it is it may not have much to do with me, that it is something that she is struggling with or dealing with on her own, but that she is shutting me out from it, and won't let me help.

So, is this all just hormone related?  Has anyone else dealt with this?  Should I just relax and just try to available and ready when she needs me, or do I need to pry a little more to find out what is wrong?  I just don't know what to do.  I feel lonely, rejected, and shut out on a daily basis and some days I feel like it is taking all that I have just to get through it.  What else can I do?

[bioclock1]

I've never been pregnant...but i can tell you from experience that hormones make women crazy sometimes...especialy in pregnancy and with twins! For example, For God knows how long know, at least 5 years, I've been irrationally angry, moody, distant, and i even instigated fights with my husband. Turns out all b/c of too much estrogen (estrogen dominance). Recently started progesterone cream and VOILA! I'm like a brand new person.
WIth your fiance having possible twins, its very likely that her estrogen is VERY HIGH, which normally occurs during pregnancy. Estrogen is not a happy-camper hormone. It makes many women behave the same way as your fiance.
SO I have two suggestions:
1) Maybe she should talk to her doctor about progesterone supplements (bioidentical natural cream...from what i've read, progesterone can only help pregnancy)
2) you should give her this "letter" (not on email) and allow her to see how you feel. Chances are, she's a victim to her own hormones and isn't meaning to make you feel like this.

I hope this helps.

Congrats on the baby!!

[BTS1022]

I agree with bioclock, Pregnancy makes us women do a lot of unexplained stuff. If she is suffering from nausea that could be a reason for the lack of physical contact, I know that in the begining of this pregnancy I was awfully ill, and even the natural smell of my hubby made me sick to my stomach. When hormones are out of whack so are we, we suffer from intense fatigue, nausea, frequent urination, and so forth.

We dont mean to put our men through hell but beings you are the only person there for her it tends to be thrown at you all at once.

She may not even realize that she is doing some of the stuff that she does, I know I wasnt aware of my b!tchyness with my last pregnancy until my own father said something.

Let her know how you feel, that you love her more than anything, and that you are there if she ever needs you, no matter how hard it gets just stick by her side.

Most of these symptoms tend to fade by 12 weeks of pregnancy.

I wish you the best of luck, and stay strong for her

[Mackwell]

One of her best friend's told me when I asked her if she knew if there was anything going on that she was 95% sure that it had nothing to do with me and was just the pregnancy and she knows that my fiance doesn't mean to be how she is, and, deep down, I believe that as well, it's just really hard sometimes not to take it personally and not to think there is something wrong.  The one question I haven't asked her yet that maybe I need to is how she wants or needs me to be there for her. Basically, I think I've been guessing all this time and assuming what she needs from me, but maybe there is something else she is needing or wanting from me (besides maybe chilling out a bit about the whole thing, giving her the space she might feel like she needs right now, and just be there).  Thanks, though, for your response.  Sometimes I feel like I just need to be reminded that it's just the hormones probably and that I shouldn't worry so much about it.

[bioclock1]

here's a reminder: it's JUST THE HORMONES. :) hehe...seriously, like BTS said...the slightest thing can make you sick if your nauseas....

Its important for you to tell yourself, everytime you feel shunned or hurt "THIS ISNT' HER..THIS IS HER HORMONES.'
But talking to her and asking her what she needs from you is a good idea...
good for you for being so supportivE!!!

[nikko*ttc]

It is the hormones and if she is having twins she may be feeling trepidation and nervousness. Just to let you know the preggo symptoms are usually twice as bad with more than one. There are a few of us on here that are pg with twins, but I am not one of them. Also, she may be so overwhelmed right now and that is what is causing her to seem as if she is backing away or she is just so exhausted that she can't seem to focus really well. Ask her if she wants to talk about how she feels, this may give you some perspective.

[Mackwell]

Thank you everyone for your responses, they have helped a lot.  Here is what I've decided to do:  I'm going to stop by on my way home from work and get a daisy (her favorite flower) with a letter tied to it that simply tells her that I love her, that I am here, and that I always will, and asking her quite plainly how she needs to be loved right now and how I can be here for her now.  I plan on just laying it on her pillow for her to be surprised by when she goes to bed tonight.  I have a feeling that going back to the basics is the way to go right now, to stop assuming I know what she needs and start asking (she made an off-hand remark the other night about how guys always assume and never ask).  I hope this at least can help a little bit.  Thanks again for everyone's response.

[babydreams9]

First off I'd like to commend you for asking our advice, and caring enough about your fiancee to post this. It's obvious that you love her very much and care about your relationship. All that being said, I'm sorry to tell you that it's not about you anymore, for the time being. Your feelings of lonliness and distance from her are understandable, but pregnancy is not a time for the father to think about himself and his own needs. The focus needs to be 100% on her, even when she is in a less-than-lovable mood. It is during those times that she needs you the most. She is going through SO much right now... physically, mentally, emotionally. There is a life (or two!) growing inside of her body, taking everything she has, and her levels of hormones are surging beyond what anyone else can even comprehend. Even though she has had babies before, every pregnancy is individual and seperate from all others. This one could be much more difficult than the last. Perhaps it is just getting off to a rocky start. Either way, you need to ride the waves with her. Understand that its not about you - it is hormonal/emotional - and that she loves you the same as she always did. And, I'm sorry to say, your sex life may need to take a sabbatical for awhile. Some women experience a complete lack of interest in anything sexual or even sensual, particuarly in the first trimester due to hormones and third trimester due to physical discomfort. Understand that it's normal and things will return eventually...

My husband really helped me cope w/everything by taking over household chores, making the bed every morning, offering to pick up or make dinner every night, letting me watch what I wanted to on TV... it was the non-verbal stuff that meant the most. It helped me relax knowing that the house was taken care of. I am really touched when I find my husband reading the pregnancy books I have scattered all over the house; him being involved really means the world to me. Bring her flowers once in awhile or leave her a post-it on the bathroom mirror that says "I love you." It is the little things that count. And if she seems unappreciative, just know that you're doing all you can to show her affection and dont take it personally.

The good news is that many women feel better after the first trimester (12 weeks.) I began to feel a huge overall improvement around 18 weeks.

I hope this helps. Pregnancy is an experience, thats for sure. Hang in there, ride the waves, and avoid detaching yourself from her - she needs you now more than ever!