How to support 22 yr old with depression

[momofsinus]

I'm looking for advice on how to help our son. Three years ago he started having severe sinus problems while away at college. He managed to finish 2 years. He has had 3 sinus surgeries but still has chronic sinusitis with inflammation and periodic infections. He left college to live at home 1 and 1/2 yrs ago because of his medical problems and was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. Since that time he has taken some classes at a local college, had the 3rd surgery, broke up with a longtime girlfriend, dropped out of classes and has been unable to hold a job. He was on Effexor XR 300mg for 5 months and is now trying Zoloft. He is being tested for Cystic Fibrosis as a possible source for his recurrent sinus problems. His dad and I aren't sure how much to "push" him ( a friend's son committed suicide last year) but we don't want to enable him either. Do you have resources on this? He is under the care of both a psychiatrist and counselor as well. Are there things we as his parents should address to them?? Thanks for any insight. These should be such happy years for him, his friends have alll just graduated from college and he feels so out of touch with his peers.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Momofsinusitis,

Thank you for your question.  I can imagine that it has been difficult for you to say the least to watch your son suffer physically and emotionally for the past few years.  Not only is he struggling with his physical health, but with the impact that his sinus problems have had on his daily life and probably his perception of himself as well.  I get the sense that your concern is heightened because of the suicide of one of his peers recently as well as in light of the graduation of many of his friends.  With that said, what more can you do (if anything) to help him emotionally?

I think first, I would continue to try to be supportive of him emotionally.  This may mean something different for your son than for someone else's child, and will depend in part on what you already know about your son.  How has he responded to you and his father in the past when enlisting support?  Does he confide in one of you more than the other?  Both at the same time?  Does he have a sibling who he turns to?  At the least, this will likely mean just listening to him and letting him know that you understand what he is feeling as much as you can.  

Do not try to “make the feelings go away” or problem-solve necessarily, unless he asks for it
Given that he is at an age when most young adults are continuing to strive for independence, he may see support as a “crutch,” which will make him feel weaker and more “defective” than he already feels.  Thus, you may also want to consider what you expect from him while he remains at home, keeping in mind his physical limitations.  Do you expect him to work?  Chip in around the house?  In some ways, the more responsibility you give him, the more you are conveying to him that you believe he can handle it.  A caveat: you are much more aware of how well or badly he is doing physically and emotionally at the present time.  Thus, whatever you decide to demand of him, make sure that it is not setting him up for failure, make sure it is attainable.

These are some initial thoughts that I have regarding your son's situation.  Again I can sense that you are trying to support him through this very challenging period of his life the best way you can find, and while the specifics of your son's situation are unique, the difficulty of figuring out how to support a young adult child who is suffering is quite common

[wishforchange]

I completely agree with Jason Greenburg and am certainly not as qualified, but I hope you don't mind me chipping in with another idea which occurred to me regarding your son's problems.  The health issue seems to be the trigger which started all this depression.  I am sure he is depressed with the challenges he is facing, but there may be something else going on.  Any condition which affects breathing inevitably affects our energy, even our thinking, as the body and mind struggles for oxygen.  It could be some of his depression is in fact sheer exhaustion from lack of oxygen.  Has your son had his oxygen saturation level looked at recently (that small clothes peg device that medics put on your finger), or even blood arterial gasses, a more risky and painful procedure.  It could be that if he is oxygen deficient he could benefit from being treated for this, until his sinuses are cleared.  Depression and chronic illness are inevitably intertwined, but breathing problems have their own unique effect on energy levels, and this may even be influencing him more than the depression.  Just something else to consider.  I really hope he improves soon and you can worry less.

[Grover606]

I'm in situation similar to that of your son -- I'm 26, live with my parents, and have been in a depressive state for nearly 10 years now, ever since my family and I moved 1700 miles to a new home, during which my social life went from average to non-existent. I've got two degrees, though, a BA and an M.Ed., which, in retrospect, actually makes my situation that much more depressing in comparison, considering I'm unemployed. I've also never had a sexual relationship because of a lack of confidence and social phobias, which you can take for what it's worth. By the way, if you think that my story would make your son a bit more confident about his situation, by all means share it -- call it the hanging-out-with-friends-uglier-than-you therapy method.

Anyway, if I were you I'd just try talking to him about his situation: Is he content? Why or why not? What does he want? Does he know what he wants? Then, after listening, mention what you want for his life and why you want it. Make it an open forum and try to help him find what he wants, or at least an avenue towards something other than his current situation. That's what I'd like my parents to do.