"Am I the star beneath the stairs? ...Am I your anything?" I need help, numerous things and numerous reasons.. anybody up for a challenge?

[Avianna]

Alright, first up. I'm depressed. Quite often, I even think of suicide. I refuse to go to a shrink, therapist, whatever you call them, for the last experience I had was NOT one I would want to chance happening again. Mabye I'm being selfish, and I know I need help, but I just can't bring myself to go to one.  It makes me feel like I'm some sort of lab rat.  Either way, they don't help anyway.

I used to self-harm, thats right, cutting. When the family found out, they did nothing but yell at me.  My sister shoved that damn book of hers in my face and wanted me to read it.  (this book held all of her depression inside it in the form of poetry)  I love poetry, and I love reading it written on things like paranoia, manic-depression, suicide, and all of that.. but the idea of it being written by my sister was just too much to handle.  I miss cutting, it was my form of therapy, and to be honest, I really didn't do it that deep at all.  It was my form of venting, and of course since then I've been a *****.  I seemed to have gotten better for a while, but now everyones getting close to me.  Now, I'm scared; and now, I become the big bad wolf again.

I have major trust issues.  I have a boyfriend and I'm currently in the process of trying to end a relationship that he is desperately trying to save. There isn't much wrong, but whenever he says he loves me, it scares me.  And when I say it back, it scares me more.. so now I don't say it anymore.  He says I'm not being myself, when really, I'm just showing that much more of me to him.  He won't accept me for who I truly am, and I know this.  It kills me, and I can't tell him, for he will tell my family, and I can't let that happen.

So really, all I have to rely on, is anyone who is willing to help over the net.  Its the only way I am willing to get help.  It sets up that wall so I don't have to see you, or your reaction; yet your words are sent to me, hopefully comforting.

[John_jb1]

Hello,

I have a friend who refuses to get help, its not the fact that he doesn't trust the counsillor or therapist, it's that he hates talking about his personal problems.

Now I think you and your boyfriend should part, as if this is concerning you, at the moment it's best that things aren't concerning you - I hate having to say that.

Now how therapy is, you tell them what's bothering you and they help you deal with it
with giving you some confidence etc. So if you don't mind me asking, what is it that gave you depression in the first place?

what do you mean by this:

"for the last experience I had was NOT one I would want to chance happening again"

What happend? Why was this a bad experience?

Sorry about all the questions, it's all part of the experience.

Since you no-longer cutt your self, what do you do when you're really down? Do you drink, smoke, take drugs etc etc.

Thanks

-John-

[Avianna]

I really don't know what gave me this depression, it could be numerous things. It could be back when my brother moved out first chance he could.  I was really close to him, even though he had major anger issues and would attack us.  I missed him, and not knowing where he was upset me.  Of course, back then, I wasn't really old enough to know exactly what depression was; I had a vauge understanding of it because my sister and mother had currently been going to counseling.  My grandmother passed away around 6 years ago. I was really close to her too.  My parents never really got along, and frequently I've thought it would just be easier for them to get a divorce.  They seem to get along better now, just around the same time I started throwing on a fake smile and doing rash things (i.e. running away, cutting, etc.) But now I am only suspecting how long it will last before they start fighting again.  All through school I've been torchered, as my mind has always worked in a bit of a different way from everyone else. It started in 4th grade and followed me all the way up until  9th, progressively growing worse.  It seems to have stopped, but who knows how long thats going to go on for.  I only know one side of my family, the other side is completely broken.. and the only aunt and uncle I know have two kids; they are in the process of divorce.  I'm sure theres more, but thats a general idea of my childhood.


As for what happened with my previous counselor.. well that was an interesting story.  I was willing to go, until I actually got there.  So, me being all "Pfft. Screw you"-looking (or so the counselor decribed me) I really didn't like being there. I didn't trust her to actually help me.  Plus the fact that my mother felt the need to bring not only herself in, but my dad, and my sister too.  So, in my eyes, I was locked in a room with four enemies probing me for information and everything about me.  Almost like I was some sort of experiment, and they were trying to evaluate their results. So anyway, when I was JUST starting to trust the lady, she started yelling at me that I needed to be happier.  I'm VERY reliant on trust and that did it for me.  I walked out and declared that I'd never go to another therapist again.  She had made me burst out crying, something I hadn't done in years, and made me feel worse than dirt.


As for what I do when I'm really down.. well I vary.  I try to write, or draw, but the main thing is listen to music, or try to spend all my energy covering it up.  I only stopped cutting because I was forced to.  In fact, I have claimed the X (straight edge: no drinking, drugs, or smoking for life) for half the reason that I was afraid that if I didn't, I would in fact rely on it.  Especailly because my family has a huge drinking problem on both sides.

No problem with the questions.  As I've said before, I can say stuff on the keyboard that I would never say in person.. thats why I came here.

[NoHopeOrLove]

plz dont think of suicide your the only one who really connected with me you help me a lot plz dont just plz i'd cry

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Now I can relate to you in some ways, I think I could also help you a little bit, so much that you can make the change yourself.

A very common thing to do when someone dies (your grandma) or someone moves out (your brother) would be to do something that takes your mind off it.
You say you write, draw and listen to music. When you start to get a little emotional over these things, run to your room, turn on a "bright/happy" tune and draw at the same time. If this still doesn't work, you could write it down how you're feeling and whats bothering you, another part of therapy is expressing your feelings, this helps your emotions calm down. Weather it be in a poem or just notes.
When you've wrote them down, a  good psycological task to do, would be to burn the paper you've wrote the poem/notes on, this aparently helps releive your conscience by making you feel you've less to worry about.

I have not tried this, but I've got many friends who have, and they say "it's an interesting and releiving task"

Now as "NoHopeOrLove" has just said "Please don't think of suicide" etc... When people say things like that to you, does it make you feel like they're putting pressure on you? Do you take it into account? Or do you just think "They have no idea what it's like"?

As you mentioned abouve, all your family are poking at you to get information out of you, the truth is, if you don't feel like telling them, you shouldn't have to. A way to get around that is to be very passive of these questions. E.g. they say "what's wrong" you say "nothing" or "I dont want to talk about it" just a simple quick answers. It's obvious that there's something wrong, saying things like that will make you appear is if you just don't want to talk about it to them. If they continue to ask, just say right up "I don't want to tell you"

As you said with your no drinking or any kind of drug taking in your life, I think that is a very wise decision. In times like this, alcohol especially is a very tempting thought. So I think it's best that you do keep that up.

You said "Especailly because my family has a huge drinking problem on both sides"
How do you mean by that? Do you mean your parents are alcoholics? Or once were?

Tell me, when you are depressed, what are you thinking? Are you thinking "my life is ruined" or are you thinking of things that are effecting you?

What do you do socially? Do you play out with friends after school, or is the only time you see your friends is at school? And when you're around them are you happy or sad?

Thanks and good luck

- John -

[Avianna]

Usually, when someone tells me what, or what not to think about, it really pisses me off; theres nothing I want more than to be able to switch off and on my sadness. Though, we all know that that is impossible.  no one can do that.  That kid though, it didn't bother me.. I've talked to him and I know he can relate. It kind of made me sad to think he's so worried of me.. but hey, what can I do? I think in the end, depending on who it is.. is if I wonder if they even have a clue of ho ridiculous the request is, or if I just get pissed for them acting like I could just stop.

I do, I write a lot, and I listen to music, but usually, I write in my head.  I actually listen to quite sad music, because if I listened to happy music, it really would just make me feel worse.  Generally, I try to stay away from the suicidal stuff.  My favorites are AFI, Anti-Flag, and Blue October.  That way I can relate, but it isn't telling me to kill myself. It makes me actually feel better, even if people can't understand that themselves.


And as much as I love to say "I don't wanna talk about it." or "Nothing.", it never works.  They either probe me further, or say "fine." and then they watch my every move like I had a gun to my head; ready to shoot off any second. I hate it. I've found its easier on them if I just put on a mask and a fake-smile and go throughout the day as if theres nothing wrong.  I don't want to worry them.

My parents aren't alchoholics.  But most of my outside family is.  My mother never drinks, it scares her because there is such a high rate of alchoholism.  My dad drinks a lot, more when we are away from the house.  He drinks and drives too.. and I hate it.  *Even if its one or two drinks, I still don't like it* So he gets buzzed and stuff.. but they don't drink.  All the aunts and uncles I have do though. I think that may be why I'm not supposed to talk to them.  In all honesty, I know nothing about them, they haven't contacted our family in years.  Once my gram died, no one talked to eachother.

When I am deppressed, I generally think the most about masking it all.  Though when I think to myself, its generally about if I should kill myself, if anyone would miss me.. if I had run away and hadn't gotten caught, where I would be..  what my life will be like in the future.. and how I can please everyone and make their lives easy. Things like that.

I have lots of 'friends' I guess. I really only hang out with a few after school occasionally.  Generally, I try to not really go out.  In fact, I don't go out unless somebody drags me out.  Sometimes they make me come out, and I hate it.  Especailly because they aren't doing it because they care; they're doing it because they want to go outside, and don't understand why or how I can stay inside for so long.  I only trust one though.  She can relate to everything, and we've known eachother for so long.  I wish she would leave though, I cause her to much trouble. When I'm around them, I act happy, and they will make me laugh, but my smile fades much faster than it should.  I still think about everything, and wish everything was genuine like everyone else.

I've gotten better at masking it though. =] Thats pretty much the only thing I'm proud of myself for.  I can wish that I have something, or motivation, or some one. But I wasn't meant to have all that.  I wasn't meant to be happy. I was meant to make others happy. I've accepted that now. Thanks so much for caring though, you really are different from other people.

[John_jb1]

Hey,

Now when you are depressed you say you "think the most about masking it all" Perhaps you shouldn't do that, I think you should literally force your self out side and have a run/jog/walk as excersize releases a hormone that can cheer you up and make your mind clearer. I know it's a hard thing to ask, when I was so low I just couldn't do it, I just sat and drank, so eventually my dad forced me out, he made me take the dogs for a walk across a 15 acour feild. Beleive it or not, it helped, it made my mind clearer and I could think things through easier.

The thoughts of "if i should kill my self, if anyone would miss me" them thoughts tell me that you're not happy with your social/family life. Same with the "if i had run away and hadn't got caught, where would i be"
That tells me that it's not the things that's happend to you, but the people around you. My guess would be that you once had a little anxiety disorder, or depression, (probably caused by your gran or something simular) then the people around you didn't understand or you just didn't get on with them, and you became worse.

Is that idea right? Or am I wrong? It can be tricky finding these things out.

With your social life, if you do feel lonely, maybe you could go on a forum? Or a chat site (obviously be careful of the older men), but talking to people and then finding some that are simular to you, can really brighten you up.

You said "as much as I love to say 'I don't wanna talk about it' or 'Nothing', it never works" I do get the impression that they think they can help but they can't. My mum used to do that, she'd say "ffs, you have to meet us half way!" and shout at me, which really really brang me down. My way out of that was to talk to her, we had a very emotional conversation, which started off by me snapping and having a massive rawr, then it ending with crying etc - was weird.
So I don't know how you're gonna get around that, you could perhaps try taking your mum into a seperate room and try talking to her, it's best to do it one-by-one then the other can't comfirm as suspision that could be wrong. E.g say one says "shall we tell him that?" the other could say yes or no.

Here's a question, how is your self esteem? How do you think about the way you look? And what do you do about it.

Thanks

- John -

[Avianna]

Actually, I am forced to go outside. I hate it. My mom makes me play a sport every year, regardless of the fact that I hate it, and I play softball. She knows I hate it, I tell her every game or practice, but she won't let me quit. I used to take my walks (I would be gone for hours at a time) and I really wouldn't go anywhere. But once it gets hot, I can't walk as long.  And because I am forced to go out for softball, I won't go out at all. Besides the fact that I was always questioned where I was going, if I was meeting anyone, and why I only went out on twilight. (I'm not supposed to be out when its dark, so when it was normal weather, the weather where everyone is around, I would go out at twilight--when no one was around) So I wouldn't be yelled at for it being dark; That would limit me from being out very long. So in the end, I really don't go out, and forcing me out makes me want to stay in even more because I WILL go out on my own, little by little, but not if anyone tries to force me will I do again for a long time.

I've never actually been to a therapist that has known me enough to be able to diagnose anything.  I wouldn't tell the last one anything about my feelings because my family was always there. So, I don't really know whats wrong with me. I know I get myself down. I think thats the main reason. I mean, being happy scares me--other  people will get me depressed or hurt me, so its better to just stay away altogether.

And talking to my mother, or any of my family, well, I hate it. It worries them and I hate doing that. So, I think I'll rely on my book to vent to.

My self esteem? I guess its low. ..I think I'm well, not exactly fat, because I know for a fact I'm not.. but I always wanna make one more part a little bit thinner.. and when I achieve that its another thing.  Plus, I just don't like the way I look.. I mean.. well thats a whole other story that I really don't want to tell..

-Thanks for all the help you've given me so far by the way-Avianna

[John_jb1]

Hello,

With the therapist, I think it was someone who thought they were good and could do such a job with little training. Every therapist session (other then family ones etc) should be confidential and you should be going alone. Your family being there when you were having a session should never of happened, it was entirely unprofessional.

It really does sound like you're watched every second, also your house does sound like it has pretty strict rules, e.g not allowed out after dark. I was aloud out after dark since i was 8.
An idea for them to let you out would be to say "the counselor at school said I need to go out more often" that used to work for me if it was really late. Even if at that time I didn't even know we had a school counselor I'd still say the same thing.

And I know you hate talking to your parents, I still do, which is a shame because we used to be best friends like the "perfect family" but then I got depressed and everything fell apart. So I think you should really force your self into talking to your parents. I mean you for yourself not anyone else for you into it. Just take your mum and talk to her in private, then your dad, but to be honest I never did talk to my dad, I talked to my mum and she told my dad, so you could do that I guess.
But I think you really do need to talk to them, even if you hate it, I hated it, but I never regretted it.

Another thing you could do to talk to some people more is ring a child help line, sounds weird I know, but I once had a 2 hour conversation with someone on there, i still remember her name it was Kerry. It did help, I was nervous and had no idea why i was ringing them, when I was listening to the ringing tone.

I know these ideas aren't very good, and sound something like an adult would tell you to do who has no idea what it's like, but I dared my self to try, and it was more good then bad.

So basically I think you should talk to your parents about the softball and letting you out more. Also mention that you don't want them probing you for information.
If you do, do it, tell me how it went and what changes they've decided to make.

With your self esteem, it's ok if you don't want to tell me, it's your own decision.
A good thing to try is to go to a chemist, and buy some vitamin B tablets, as these are also used as anti-depressants, you could also take some cod liver oil. Sounds silly but it has been proven to help people with your case.

Here's a hypnotherapy idea for when you do feel really depressed. Say you're lying in bed trying to sleep and you feel depressed, think of a really happy time that you really enjoyed, we've all had one. Once you've got this idea, re-live it (in your head obviously). Think what you thought, see what you saw, hear what you heard an feel what you felt.  It helped me from time to time, but sometimes I'd just sink too far down for that to pull me up, so it's best to use that technique when you're starting to feel depressed.

Thanks

- John -

p/s.
     You don't need to thank me for helping you, it's what I'm doing on this forum, trying to help people get through things with my own experiences.