Fear of HIV is taking over my life

[mc2004]

Hello my name is Meg and I just wanted to type this thread because I am alone and anxious inside. I have people around me and loving family and friends but my OCD has made me trapped in my body. I have such a HUGE fear of contracting HIV and when I see blood I get weak and woozy and obssessive. Today I was in a restroom and I never sit on the toilets and I noticed that there was a small speck of possible red on the seat and I freaked. I had to look really close to see it and I even took a really long piece of TP and wiped it. The second time I tried it came off. My mind started spinning and I broke out in a rash. I have small cuts from biting my cuticles because my nerves are really bad. I had bandages on the ones that I thought needed them. I am so afraid that somehow the speck touched on of my cuticles. My mind wont stop racing. I call the cdc and the illinois HIV and STD hotline all the time and they said no to worry. I have been tested 17 times in the last 1 1/2 and I am no longer sexually active and I do not use drugs and I have never had a blood transfusion and I am loosing my mind. I have been working with a counselor on some CBT and I am on 120 mg of Prozac the highest my psychiatrist put me on and I take clonazepam and zanex. I have quit drinking and smoking pot and I am trying to work out every day. I used to be so much fun and full of joy and not worry. Now my life is always worry worry HIV this and HIV that. Im losing control of my life. If there is anyone out there who can help me or relate in any way PLEASE RESPOND!

[Emiley]

I know exactly what your talking about! I have spent the last 3 years avoiding what I consider to be the worst disease that exists, not AIDS, but something that most people wouldnt think is the worst disease, except I do. Ive gone to great lengths to avoid ever coming in contact with it, yet, no matter how much I try to avoid, I still worry so much! It has completely taken over my life. Ive lost friends and made big life decisions based around avoiding anything that makes me think I could come in contact with the disease.  I know how you feel. Its horrifying and only people like us who really understand know how scary it is.I have recently decided to look for a psychologist. Im gonna go soon for the 1st time. Ive talked to many people in forums that say it helps so much. I was thinking maybe somone who specializes in ocd could be much help! R u seeing a pysch or a basic coucelor? Maybe somone who speciealizes in ocd could really help alot more. Im sure these fears do not have to control the rest of our lives. I wasnt always like this, and I m sure you werent born fearing AIDS, so I just keep telling myself that something along the way put these intense fears in us and there has to be a way back to reality.

[everyminutelive]

Do you understand that as soon as blood hits oxygen the virus dies. It would be imossible for you to get it from a toilet seat. I don't know if you knew that. Anyway have you heard of the amenclinic.com it is great check it out you probably have some genetic overactive parts of your brain.

The best of luck

[midge40]

yeah i been in exact same position as u, down to every last detail. the worst part was when i got my boyfriend to have 2 hiv tests, which really upset him. anyway, I am over all that now, so there is hope for you. ur ocd is caused by a fault in ur thinking patterns. u know ur being irrational, but u cant help urself. CBT helps u change ur thought patterns, and there are really good self-help books.