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Can I let go ?
by OCDWorried, Jun 12, 2008 09:05AM
Even as I write this question I feel like a total irrational fool ... But I need professional advice so I have to ask it.
For as long as I can remember I have been petrified about HIV and always thought that it would strike me when I was the happiest in my life ...
To get to the point ... I am married to the most amazing woman I could ever hope to be, of course due to my HIV fears, we were both tested for HIV outside of any possible window periods, before we were together.
What started my irrational thoughts was when I started a new job and was advised that for the company insurance an HIV test would be done.
My head went into a loop and despite any logic telling me otherwise I went to a clinic to get tested (Rapid Test). It was, of course, negative.
Shortly after the test I began to have doubts about the clinic, test procedures etc, which prompted me to call them and ask about new lancets used everytime etc.
I spoke to the same counsellor and she was actually very kind in assuring me that everything was done 100% perfectly.
Now my mind is convinced that I may of been infected after the test either at the clinic or when I went shopping. The reason for this is because I did not put a bandaid on my finger after the rapid test was done.
The lancet definetely made a small tear and my finger was bleeding shortly after the test. I remember this because when I took my receipt etc I made some blood smears on the page.
I don't remember touching anything at the clinic with that finger at all.
My finger had stopped bleeding by the time I got in my car and went to the shops but took about a week and a half to completely heal.
My irrational thoughts are screaming at me that I could of cost me my life, and my wifes, simply because I did not put a band aid on my finger after the test ... I am so mad at myself.
We are trying to have a baby at this time, which ironically meant another HIV test, because of fertility issues etc, about a week and a half after my Rapid Test, and my work insurance test will be in July.
Please can someone reassure me that I was never at any risk. I need to hear those words before I can let go.
I could never live with myself if I ever hurt my wife or my hopefully soon to be child because of this. I have confided in my wife but she thinks I am crazy and gets upset with me.
ANY ADVICE, BASED ON SOUND MEDICAL FACT, WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
For as long as I can remember I have been petrified about HIV and always thought that it would strike me when I was the happiest in my life ...
To get to the point ... I am married to the most amazing woman I could ever hope to be, of course due to my HIV fears, we were both tested for HIV outside of any possible window periods, before we were together.
What started my irrational thoughts was when I started a new job and was advised that for the company insurance an HIV test would be done.
My head went into a loop and despite any logic telling me otherwise I went to a clinic to get tested (Rapid Test). It was, of course, negative.
Shortly after the test I began to have doubts about the clinic, test procedures etc, which prompted me to call them and ask about new lancets used everytime etc.
I spoke to the same counsellor and she was actually very kind in assuring me that everything was done 100% perfectly.
Now my mind is convinced that I may of been infected after the test either at the clinic or when I went shopping. The reason for this is because I did not put a bandaid on my finger after the rapid test was done.
The lancet definetely made a small tear and my finger was bleeding shortly after the test. I remember this because when I took my receipt etc I made some blood smears on the page.
I don't remember touching anything at the clinic with that finger at all.
My finger had stopped bleeding by the time I got in my car and went to the shops but took about a week and a half to completely heal.
My irrational thoughts are screaming at me that I could of cost me my life, and my wifes, simply because I did not put a band aid on my finger after the test ... I am so mad at myself.
We are trying to have a baby at this time, which ironically meant another HIV test, because of fertility issues etc, about a week and a half after my Rapid Test, and my work insurance test will be in July.
Please can someone reassure me that I was never at any risk. I need to hear those words before I can let go.
I could never live with myself if I ever hurt my wife or my hopefully soon to be child because of this. I have confided in my wife but she thinks I am crazy and gets upset with me.
ANY ADVICE, BASED ON SOUND MEDICAL FACT, WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
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of course your thoughts are irrational. you might be better served on the ocd or anxiety forum here. you do NOT have a hiv concern