Father

[fleabag123]

I was wondering if anyone knew the chances that I would have a mental illness if my Father has chronic depression. Sometimes I feel so out of control I don't know what to do. Like I have too much emotion and no way to express it or understand it, paralysed by feeling. Then of course other times when I feel dissassociated with the world, like I don't really exist in the present and nothing around me is real. I'm just wondering if these are normal feelings. There are times when I do things that are unusual, but I don't feel like they're under my control. The most extreme was that in a moment of pure anger and frustation (the feeling thing I mentioned before) I smashed my laptop, threw it against the floor like it was nothing, even though I had worked really hard to get it I didn't care I just wanted it gone so that I couldn't be accused of procrastinating while I was studying. Even though I don't want to I tend to do things against reason. But I hurry to do it like there is too versions of me. One that wants and one that doesn't and I need to do this thing before the one that says no gets power over my body or talks me out of it. I also tend to talk to myself out loud, to get through thoughts and understand things.
I can honestly not remember the last time I felt happy with anything in my life, I don't think there has ever been a time when I have been happy in my own skin.

So I was wondering if these feelings are just normal 17year old angst. I hope they are.
Thankyou for reading this and thatnks for replying if you do.

[idesofmarch]

Depression and mental illness can be genetic, enviormental,  and hormonal etc.  Sounds like you may have some anger and do not know what to do with it.  When you act out like the lap top incident, it could be that the slightest thing brought up a memory in your subconcence (sp?) or you felt that you had no control about something.  Also at your age there are many hormones coming into play and may be out of balance. Do you have bouts of great energy with happiness, can't sleep or sit still, talk alot? Then other times, maybe for days or weeks sleep too much, become withdrawn, eatting changes,very sad? Have you ever looked up manic depressive disorder-you should if you haven't. It is also called Bipolar (sp?) You also may need anger management sessions. Have you ever tried to hurt yourself or others, or animals?  If you have you need to get help right away! Do you have a good relationship with a trusted family member or a parent of your friends? You really should talk to someone before more damage is done or you hurt someone.  You need to release some anger and emotions in a healthy way before you totally explode.  Do you live at home with an adult that covers you with medical insurance?  If not there are mental health places in most large cities that can set up a weekly or more session with a councelor/psychiatrist that will help you feel better and be more productive and happy.  Sounds like you will needs medicine to correct the problem. Don't be scared or ashamed of needing help with this, it is more common than you may think. Many people take  medicines for illness' and that includes mental illness, emotional illness and physical illness.   It may take some time to get the right meds at the right dose but it will be worth it, take my word, I personally know that.  I am a mother of 2 adult sons and I remember how crazy it feels to be a teenager and I take meds for depression and other illness.  So google Bipolar, depression, chemical imbalance, manic depression, ADHD etc.  Write down your feelings in a journal everyday, keep track of your symptoms even if you aren't sure if it is normal or not.  It will help you when you see a doctor-he may need to see what you wrote to diagnose your illness.  Write in this forum everyday and stay connected with a forum friend that doesn't bring you down.  (Mom) Sharon   Praying for you.