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Depression Community
This patient support community is for discussions relating to depression, counseling, sleep problems, and nutrition.
I don't know what's wrong and I can't cope any more
by ontherocks_please, Jun 18, 2008 05:12PM
I don't really know what to write here, I have never done anything like this before, so please forgive me if I ramble on a bit (or a lot, I have a tendency to never shut up)...
Within the past 18 months I have spent 8 straight months in an adult psychiatric ward. Since then I have turned 17, came off all my medication (simultaniously and of my own accord, however with my psychiatrist's knowing) and have finished high school. I suffered no side effects from stopping my medication suddenly and completely, and have stayed off them for several months now. I have just been discharged from my psychologist (at my request) and see my psychiatrist every few months (also at my request). On my hospital discharge letter it stated that I had been diagnosed with severe psychotic depression, however I was being treated for bipolar disorder. This was not an issue as whilst on the medication I appeared to stabilise, however on closer inspection I was merely doped up so much I could barely stand up without passing out with the effort never mind hallucinate or 'abscond'. I remained in this zombie-like state up until I refused to take any more 'crazy pills'.
My time in hospital was long, made longer by the fact that for the most part I was confined to my room with someone sitting in the doorway watching my every move. I have had trouble sleeping for years, and this problem only increased once in the ward. At home I would take long walks with my dog in the night, and was used to that freedom. Once contained to four walls my depression and psychotic hallucinations increased tenfold, and I ran away from the ward almost every night, on my return being injected with something meant to calm me down and help me sleep for 4-5 hours. Due to my constant fighting however, they never knew how much they had injected so ended up sleeping for 2-3 days.
I was placed under countless detentions which lasted any time between 72 hours and 6 months. When I was deemed stable enough by ward staff and doctors, I was allowed 'out on pass' normally for a couple of days at a time. It was during my time out on pass that I overdosed on 2 weeks worth of medication which included several pain killers and anti-inflammatories as well as roughly 13 different psych meds, most of which strong, addictive and high daily doses, downed with a litre of vodka. Up until recently my next sentence would have read 'Fortunately, I woke just short of 2 weeks later with symptoms similar to - but worse than - a bad hangover and mild hallucinations.' Nowadays I'm not so sure I should have woken up at all.
Just before I was discharged from hospital, my grandpa, who had been in and out of the same hospital for a couple of months by this point, was rushed to Medical HDU (it's a general hospital). He spent a week in a coma, then within 2 days he was sitting up drinking fluids. He is still living today, which I am grateful for no end. We have always been close, with him appearing as the father figure I have never had. I go and see him as often as I can, and 'grandpa-sit' when my gran needs a break. But it breaks my heart to see him like this, mainly his delusions that seem so real to him but are a physical impossibility in the real world.
I still have trouble sleeping, and my concentration lasts for on average 10-15 seconds. For instance, what I have written here has taken me about 3 hours. Over the past month or so I have found myself to be almost insufferably hyper for 3 or 4 days, then the next day or so I can't stop crying. Not just my usual quiet 'tears running down my cheek' thing, but really sobbing. Then just as suddenly as I started I stop, and either feel ok, or revert back to my previous hyper state. Sleep is nothing more than a distant memory now, and I am terrified that someone will find out and send me back to the ward. Having to go back there might actually send me over the edge. I have seen so many mental disorders displayed in many different ways, and have spent the past 18 months with psychologists and psychiatrists and honest to God if I hear the words 'And how does that make you feel?' one more time I might actually... I don't know what I might do but it won't be anything 'positive or life-affirming' anyway.
I just don't know what is wrong any more and I don't know if I will be able to live like this any longer. I can't seem to help myself but I know no-one else can do it for me. I can't kill myself because that would kill my grandpa. It seems I am stuck in limbo, and by limbo I mean my own personal hell on earth.
If anyone has actually made it to the end of that without falling asleep or being bored to tears, I appreciate any feedback at all....
Within the past 18 months I have spent 8 straight months in an adult psychiatric ward. Since then I have turned 17, came off all my medication (simultaniously and of my own accord, however with my psychiatrist's knowing) and have finished high school. I suffered no side effects from stopping my medication suddenly and completely, and have stayed off them for several months now. I have just been discharged from my psychologist (at my request) and see my psychiatrist every few months (also at my request). On my hospital discharge letter it stated that I had been diagnosed with severe psychotic depression, however I was being treated for bipolar disorder. This was not an issue as whilst on the medication I appeared to stabilise, however on closer inspection I was merely doped up so much I could barely stand up without passing out with the effort never mind hallucinate or 'abscond'. I remained in this zombie-like state up until I refused to take any more 'crazy pills'.
My time in hospital was long, made longer by the fact that for the most part I was confined to my room with someone sitting in the doorway watching my every move. I have had trouble sleeping for years, and this problem only increased once in the ward. At home I would take long walks with my dog in the night, and was used to that freedom. Once contained to four walls my depression and psychotic hallucinations increased tenfold, and I ran away from the ward almost every night, on my return being injected with something meant to calm me down and help me sleep for 4-5 hours. Due to my constant fighting however, they never knew how much they had injected so ended up sleeping for 2-3 days.
I was placed under countless detentions which lasted any time between 72 hours and 6 months. When I was deemed stable enough by ward staff and doctors, I was allowed 'out on pass' normally for a couple of days at a time. It was during my time out on pass that I overdosed on 2 weeks worth of medication which included several pain killers and anti-inflammatories as well as roughly 13 different psych meds, most of which strong, addictive and high daily doses, downed with a litre of vodka. Up until recently my next sentence would have read 'Fortunately, I woke just short of 2 weeks later with symptoms similar to - but worse than - a bad hangover and mild hallucinations.' Nowadays I'm not so sure I should have woken up at all.
Just before I was discharged from hospital, my grandpa, who had been in and out of the same hospital for a couple of months by this point, was rushed to Medical HDU (it's a general hospital). He spent a week in a coma, then within 2 days he was sitting up drinking fluids. He is still living today, which I am grateful for no end. We have always been close, with him appearing as the father figure I have never had. I go and see him as often as I can, and 'grandpa-sit' when my gran needs a break. But it breaks my heart to see him like this, mainly his delusions that seem so real to him but are a physical impossibility in the real world.
I still have trouble sleeping, and my concentration lasts for on average 10-15 seconds. For instance, what I have written here has taken me about 3 hours. Over the past month or so I have found myself to be almost insufferably hyper for 3 or 4 days, then the next day or so I can't stop crying. Not just my usual quiet 'tears running down my cheek' thing, but really sobbing. Then just as suddenly as I started I stop, and either feel ok, or revert back to my previous hyper state. Sleep is nothing more than a distant memory now, and I am terrified that someone will find out and send me back to the ward. Having to go back there might actually send me over the edge. I have seen so many mental disorders displayed in many different ways, and have spent the past 18 months with psychologists and psychiatrists and honest to God if I hear the words 'And how does that make you feel?' one more time I might actually... I don't know what I might do but it won't be anything 'positive or life-affirming' anyway.
I just don't know what is wrong any more and I don't know if I will be able to live like this any longer. I can't seem to help myself but I know no-one else can do it for me. I can't kill myself because that would kill my grandpa. It seems I am stuck in limbo, and by limbo I mean my own personal hell on earth.
If anyone has actually made it to the end of that without falling asleep or being bored to tears, I appreciate any feedback at all....
Post Comment
I can honestly say that I do understand the irrational sence of overwhelming fear, hoplessness, and horror of suffering with this condition. Simply because I suffer too.
Not from bi-polor, but from Severe Uni-polar depression and anxiety.
I know what it's like to lay in bed as your whole body trembles in fear and horror.
It kind of reminds me of taking a trip thru Hell itself, only worse.
It has plauged me my whole life (since I was 20) and I am 38 now.
It took me a VERY long time to learn how to live with this condition and the exact combinations of medications that work to control it and still make me functional.
Sigh.....Man, I'm usually full of advice and things to try, but I have to admit, your situation has me at a loss. I know a lot about Uni-polar depression and the best ways to combat it, but not so much about Bi-Polar.
There is a way to utilize medications so that you get relief from your illness, without feeling like a Zombie on them. I take three different types of medication to control my condition and they are dosed in a manner that does not make me Zombish. In fact they give me the focus and life that is not possible when my condition is untreated.
My best advice is the following:
(1.) Find a new (top notch) Psychiatrist that understands your condition and the best way to treat it. I went thru 6 Board certified Psychiatrist before I found one that was really good at prescribing the right medications in the right dosages.
(2.) Keep searching for answers. My quest to understand more about my condition has empowered me with knowledge about this condition that many doctors are not even aware of. This has helped me help my Psychiatrist better understand how to treat my condition.
(3.) NEVER GIVE UP HOPE. Especally at your your young age. Your only 18 now and I can tell you with absolute certanty that within the next 5 to 15 years there will be much improved treatments for your condition that really work. Medical science is on the very edge of absolutly amazing treatments in the mental health feild. You are young enough to see many of them in the near future.
Giving up hope simply isn't an option for you. You have too much life to live.
Peace.
I've been depressed and anxious ever since I can remember but bipolar - the only meds I've ever heard for that was lithium and I don't know if that is still used.
I agree with the above post - shop around till you find a psychiatrist you feel safe and comfortable with. If you can't get a referral from your dr., usually there is a "Board" or "Association" of drs and what area they practice in. The shopping around is worth it. I've had some shrinks who were crazier than I ever was. You might even find a flyer or something that tells you what your rights are as a patient and what questions to ask any potential shrink. My opinion only but the best shrinks are the ones that will listen to you, who are consistent and who don't hand out meds without understanding what is going on with you. If they think you might hurt yourself or others, they might give you meds right away.
Committing suicide isn't the answer. I've felt suicidal since I was a child. I've tried it - it didn't work but it did make me sick. If nothing else, hang on for your granddaddy.
Everyone is different when it comes to shrink preferences and/or meds. You'll figure out what is best for you - you'll just know but you have to give it time.
If it means anything, your post was not boring; in fact, it was quite articulate = )
Hugs to you ....
wolf