Confused about my sexuality & surrounding issues

[anon0608]

Hello,

I'm a male teenager getting ready to head off to college, and recently I've been questioning my sexuality.  Throughout puberty and early high school, I always assumed I was straight, but for the last year and a half or so, I've started to become sexually attracted to men.  I understand that I should not feel compelled to pin down my sexuality at this time in my life and that with time my feelings may explain themselves more fully.  But, I've noticed some peculiarities in my personal attractions, and I'm hoping you can shed some light onto them.

Judging from my usually homosexual fantasies and simple observations of others in everyday life, I would definitely say that right now I tend to find males more sexually attractive than females.  However, when I think about affection and the emotional components of love, I almost always think of a relationship with a woman.  Is this easily explained?

Also, I've been a little bothered by statements that gay people often notice in their childhood that they and the attractions they experience are somehow different.  This doesn't fit me very well; as far as I can remember, I was pretty typical in this department, what with fourth grade crushes, stealing Victoria's Secret catalogues, etc.  Admittedly, now that I think about it, I can recall a small number of instances (before the age of, say, 10) of noticing attractive boys/young men - but I wouldn't say that this was something that dictated my feelings on a consistent basis (again, at least as far as I can remember).

And, finally, a tangential question about the common advice given to questioning teens - that of being patient for one's sexuality to reveal itself... does this mean not having any romantic/sexual interaction with either gender until being at least fairly confident about one's sexual orientation?

Thanks for any help you can offer.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi there. Great questions! Thanks so much for raising them, because these issues are very common, and yet most people are uncomfortable asking them. So you get the Gold Star for the day for asking questions that will enlighten everyone.

In my experience, most people who self-define as bisexual are usually less bisexual when it comes to falling in love. It’s not unusual for a man who’s romantically oriented towards women to also enjoy playing with other men. Regarding sexual orientation, sexological research has discovered that many people are very fluid in their sexuality: in fact, people all over the map: exploring same-sex fantasies one day, falling in love with the other sex the next—and every other variation you can think of. Where are you getting this message that you have to make some sort of decision and label yourself? Why not just be who you are? I know it can complicate potential relationships, but aren’t we more than just what we do with our crotch?

Lucky you: you’re going off to college—a time for you to experiment in an environment where that’s pretty much expected of everyone (as long as you play safe and play honest). So why not explore your sexual and romantic feelings? You may have to deal with issues of disclosure if you find yourself getting serious about someone, but you’ll also have to deal with lots of non-sexual issues as well, for instance, what if you fall in love with someone from a very orthodox family and you’re agnostic? You get the picture: once you’re involved in an adult relationship, you have to work out lots of things, not just sex. Good luck in college and in life. Dr. J

[jml1986]

I don't think it is uncommon to be confused about your sexuality at this point in your life. I also don't think you don't need to abstain from having relationships until you are 100% sure of your sexual orientation, I think that if you practice safe sex it is okay to have relationships. You may need this to figure out who you are. It is very possible that you are bi-sexual but you won't know that unless you put yourself out there.

I will say that you can have a loving and emotional relationship with a man the same as with a woman. There are many same sex relationships that have lasted long then some traditional relationships.

[Ookami11]

As a bisexual 19 yr old I totally understand where your coming from. I discovered in 7th grade that in addition to being attracted to men (I'm female) I loved engaging in some sexual activities with other girls. Over the course of the past few years I've discovered that my relationships with other women tend to be more caring and last longer due to our attention to each other's need. With men I seem to have difficulty communication needs or wants and he usually will not share his needs or wants at all. What I would do is try dating or engaging in relationships with both sexes seperately and discover the pros and cons of both types. They are different and over time as you mature in your understanding and experience, one type may call to you more than the other. For instance I'm successfully engaged with some problems to a man that I love and couldn't imagine living without despite my previous tendencies.... Life is always a surprise. Good luck...