Obsessing over HIV

[cam78]

Hi all

I really dont know if this is OCD or something else

Basically i had a one nite stand with my ex last sept just before i was due to meet a new guy i was chatting with online for a long time. I felt terrible as it was a drunken mistake and it really hurt the other guy (now my partner) at the time

Luckily my partner forgave me and we moved on, i wasnt to sure if the condom split that nite so i went for a rapid test a month after. It came back negative but i was told i would need to test at 3 months to be 100% conclusive

So i went for another on month 2 and 3, both negative, i was very happy and i moved on!

Fast forward to last week, i watched an episode of Queer as folk where one of the guys was worried about an HIV risk so went for a blood test.

I totally fell through the floor and asumed i had it and felt terrible as i didnt have a lab test just a rapid test (finger *****)

My partner came down that week to visit me (long distance relationship) and all i could think about was HIV. I told him and he thought i was being obsessive and silly for no reason

Anyway my obsession got the better off me and i booked myself into a clinic today for a proper blood test. I have just been phoned with my results and i am 100% Negative!!

I should feel relaved and over the moon but i kind of feel deflated and thinking how accurate are these tests. I know its pathetic as i dont have it or at risk yet i still obsess

I have been very  down for the last 2 months and it just seems to be one obsession after the other.

Sorry for the long essay, i need to vent

Any adivce would be much appreciated

[robkfromphilly]

Nothing to worry about though! 3 months is very conclusive! Just keep telling yourself, when it comes to your mind, "this isn't rational, I'm 100% okay, and it's a fact." I myself had/have issues with OCD and HIV phobias, from a no risk situation at that too. So I know where you're coming from.

[cam78]

Did u manage to stop obsessing over it in the end?

[robkfromphilly]

Yes, you will too. It's easy, just tell yourself you're negative, because you are. Use condoms for anal/vaginal intercourse, don't share IV drugs, and you'll remain negative. It's that easy! :)

[cam78]

Uuuuuuugh!! my obsessing completely stopped for about a week.
Then i came back in here and saw other threads on people having the similar problem, now its all come flooding back and i am doubting my result!

[cam78]

I have just phoned the clinic and i was told that i am totally negative. I still have it on my mind though that i am not.

am i mad? i was fine with the result until i came back to this forum

[robkfromphilly]

It'll sink in! I know how ya feel. I just got a conclusive negative too, and it's still lingering in my mind. It's all about the 'what if', and just the constant thought of it.

[cam78]

Congrats on your result :)

I really hope i can forget it again, like i said it vanished but its back. Even though i know i am fine

[cam78]

Is there any medication that could help?

[midge40]

Not to psyche u out, but u might still feelin guilty bout upsettin ur partner and on some level think that gettin hiv would be justice. Stop looking for that 100% guarantee test cos ull drive urself mad. There's no guarantee about anything. Uve done everything right the best u can. Get off sites like this, be safe and b happy.

[cam78]

i do understand what u say, but u sayin there is no guarantee has made me want another test,

4 negatives inc 1 at 9 months after possible exsposure should be conclusive enough shouldnt it or should i book another?

[midge40]

no dont book another. u dont need it.  u got to get out of the cycle. i know its hard but stop going for tests, ull always find another reason for having another one. ive been in the same position as ur in. i had OCD over hiv for ten years. altogether i have had 13 hiv tests, some private costing £200 each - all negative. its ruined relationships, and ive even thought about suicide. i dont mean to scare u, but u got to stop looking for reassurance. if this is affecting u too badly, maybe u should get professional help. its the best thing i ever did and (except for the occasional blip) i am over it now.

[cam78]

thanx for that, what kind of help did u go for?

[cam78]

I would REALLY appreciate any advice on how u got over it

[midge40]

hiya sorry been on holiday. theres loads of stuff u can do... well i studied psychology which gave me some insight, but mostly, i got CBT with a really good therapist. it cost quite a bit, and its not easy work, but it changed the way i thought, not just about hiv, but about life in general. ive always been a worrier you see. get the book "overcoming obsessive compulsive disorder" by David Veale and Rob Willson too. let ur partner read it too, so he/she can understand u better. Im not saying u have OCD, but ur showing the tendencies.
firstly, stop ur habits, ie getting tests and asking ur partner for reassurance etc. think of urself being stuck in a vicious circle: the more u look for reassurance, the stronger ur anxiety will become. u gotta break the cycle. its hard, but the sooner u do it, the better ull get. the key is to realise that ur looking for 100% gurantee in terms of ur health, but it doesnt exist. u can only do ur best eg safe sex. its like cancer...u can do things to help prevent it eg exercise, but there is still no gurantee that u wont get it, even if u do everything right. ur in the same boat as everyone else, its a harsh reality.
   ur still beating urself up about ur one night stand, my anxiety started in the same way. u have to forgive urself, and learn from it. promiscuous sex obviously isnt in ur personality, so now u know not to do it again.
Do little things that worry you, but dont overdo it. eg i was scared to use toilet seats, or go near people who "looked like they might have HIV", so  slowly id force myself to do those things, and eventually i came to see that there was nothing to be scared of.
remember that however awful it seems, anxiety cant kill you. its unpleasant, but u can deal with it, as uve shown urself in the past.  when u feel anxious, dont try and push it away, instead embrace it and let it flood over you, it sounds weird, but the quicker u accept it, the quicker it will go.
hope this helps.

[cam78]

thank u sooo much for your advice, i will take it all on board.

Im gonna do my hardest and let the thoughts come through when they do (most of the day) and not hide from it

i am seeing a therapist soon and i really hope i can address these issues with her

[robkfromphilly]

Therapy is good, how about any time the thought appears in your mind, just say that simply "This is all in my head.." You never needed a test to begin with after your initial negative. Maybe even try coming up with a new obsession, it sounds strange, but thats what helped me. One less bothersome!

[no_problem]

I didn't understand this, if you just let the anxiety flood over you, or even try coming up with a new obsession, how can you ever forget this HIV anxiety? you will just keep finding worries after worries, searching internet day after day, thinking about it hour after hour...

[cam78]

welcome to my world!