Confused over Herpes

[carletta500]

I realize that I will be judged harshly for this but here goes.  Okay, so I've been married and only been with this partner for 15 years.  I was recently diagnosed with type 1 & 2 Herpes.  I feel a burning sensation and raw feeling every time I have sex.  The doctor said that with the meds I should have fewer outbreaks but that hasn't happened.  They also said that it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm contagious or have an outbreak if I'm raw and burning.  So how am I suppose to know if I'm contagious then???  I met a man who is also married and we've really hit it off from the start.  Neither one was looking for this but it happened.  We have been seeing each other for several months, talking for six months and I know he would have had sex when we first started really seeing each other if I would have.  We haven't had intercourse but I have given him oral and he never offered to use protection.  I don't know any other way to say this except to just say that he's large and I don't know that a condom would fit him properly.  He made a comment to me once about how responsible I seemed to be so I don't know if by saying this he meant that he thought I was disease free.  I know his wife has been in and out of rehab so maybe the comment was related to her not being responsible.  I don't know how to bring up this subject or even when.  I'm terrified of how he will react and assuming he is disease free since he's also married and never offered protection.  I believe because he knows my sexual history he may think I'm disease free.  Also, does a female condom offer more protection?  

[waringblender]

There are condoms out there to fit every size peen. Try Googling "condom depot."

If you are planning to be sexual, you just need to tell him.You don't know how he's going to take the information. But when you tell him about it, you need to ask him about his STD history and his testing history. He might already have herpes, for all you know. He might have something else, for all you know!

If you use daily medication and the two of you use condoms, his risk is really low for getting it. I don't know the risk reduction with the female condom, but since it covers the vaginal area around the opening, it could provide similar or greater protection to  a male condom. But you won't necessarily be needing that if you use suppressive medication. The statistics for reduction transmission were done with male condoms.

I don't think herpes is triggering the burning every time you have sex. If there's a friction problem, try using a lube.

Because you've been diagnosed with herpes, though, you might want to refrain from having sex with a negative partner whenever you have unusual symptoms in your genital area. I think that's a good rule to follow just to be on the safe side.

[gracefromHHP]

As waring already said - burning all the time isn't due to herpes. You need to return to your gyn for a further work up.  Get tested for the usual suspects - yeast and bacteria too.  

I'm assuming since you started off your post with - I realize I will probably be judged harshly for this - that you aren't in an open marriage.    To me when that is the case - you owe it to your spouse to use a condom in any activity outside of the marriage don't you?  Put the shoe on the other foot about that part. XL sized condoms are easy to find both online and offline. Don't forget lube so that it doesn't tear and is more comfortable for you both.  

What medication are you on for your herpes - what dose and how often arey ou taking it?

Also you say you think this fellow is assuming a lot about you - sounds like you are assuming a lot about him too. remember that it's so not all about your herpes. Your herpes is a pain in the *** for the most part  -there are worse std's out there.

grace

[carletta500]

The doctor has me on 500 mg of Valtrex daily.  My spouse doesn't take anything for it so would this counteract the meds I'm taking?  I have an outbreak every week or two.  What has been the reaction you received by telling a potential partner?  Of course, I guess it would be different if the partner were disease free and married.  They wouldn't want to risk a chance of giving this to their spouse.  I doubt very seriously he will believe I've had one partner if my lifetime once he finds out I have herpes.  But wouldn't you think that he would offer protection if he had an std or thought I may have one???

[gracefromHHP]

It's doubtful that you are having recurrences every week or two. You need follow up to find out what besides herpes is going on down yonder. You can also discuss upping your valtrex to either 500mg 2x/day or 1gm daily.  No your hubby not treating his herpes isn't causing yours to be more active or anything like that. It doesn't work that way.

I've only been turned down 2x in the last 22 years because of my herpes. Usually they run long before I get around to talking about herpes ;)  Most of the people I know with  herpes have had similar experiences or have never been turned down at all.

Why should anyone doubt you if you say you've only ever had 1 partner and he gave you genital herpes?  You have no reason to lie about things like that in this day and age so why would you? If nothing else most folks go the other way - say they've had sex with far more partners then they ever have!!!

And no I wouldn't assume that if he had "something" he'd offer protection. Many folks are in a state of denial and think that they don't have to worry about what they know they have. The reality though is that the vast majority of folks who have a std of any sort - have no idea they have it.  

Also from the been there, done that files - having an affair isn't simple. Make sure you know what you are getting yourself into.  

grace