I need advice for quiting oxy due to my circumstances

[inflames]

I have been on probation for 2 years and i have 2 years more to go. I used to be a daily pot smoker and have tried several drugs, including xanax(along with several other benzo's), extacy, marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms, oxy and hydrocodone, cocaine, and methamphetamine(including adderall).  I found myself the type of person to try new experiences. Besides the Xanax, oxy/hydro, and marijuana, i have never found myself in an addiction. All of the other mentioned drugs were done once or twice, to no more than 20 times. My point with explaining this is when i was put on probations for extacy i quit all drugs, and to my surprise i found it very easy. Given the consequences of doing drugs or going to jail, quitting was very easy. I lived my life became a full time church member, and a part of the church itself going to 3  church groups a week. I was completely clean for 1 1/2 years, and never gave drugs a second thought. I was in a terrible car accident and broke my arm in two places, my jaw and 3 ribs. Due to surgery(i am deathly afraid of doctors, i got a prescription of xanax(the only thing that takes away my fears) and i felt my first high since i quit. The surgery was very major and i was put on percocets. I took them every day for weeks along with xanax for muscles, then the doctor prescribed my  10/325 vicodens. I was allowed to take two every 4 to six hours so i was averaging 80mg of hydro a day. This went on for another 4 months, mixed in with other prescriptions for oxy . after a total of 5 to 6 months of this i had to quit and found that i couldn't. Pain took over my body, i couldn't eat and threw up a lot. I felt as though i need to stretch (the way you would when you yawn and stretch in the morning) over and over and over, i would get hot flashes that were horrible. I would sweat non stop and i was freezing cold as i would sweat . I was very depressed in my head and i couldn't feel happy. 4 days of this and i had a friend bring me some 30mg roxicet or roxicodone pills(the only pain med he knew where to get) the immediatly took my pain away but this was a very intense feeling, after this i quickly rose to much higher doses than i was on before, reaching 90 to 120 mg per day. after 4 weeks of this i decided to slowly come down, i dropped 30 mg a day so in four days i was off, except the fifth day i allowed myself a half of a 30mg roxy. But day six i was off the drug all together, i used the aid of 2mg of xanax to help me sleep, and only for sleep, never during the day, in order to not allow myself to feel the effects. after two weeks the opportunity came up to take one 30mg roxy for fun, but the guy who got them for me said "you swallow them, thats a waste, these pill are to expensive to swallow" No this friend i speak of is not really my friends, hes a friend of my brothers. A huge part of me staying clean was to quit hanging around ever single friend i have ever had. I got my get, started college. but i went in the house with my pill and took half, waited utnil  felt the effects and then snorted the other half. It was such a great feeling. I hated that i like it, i hated that i allowed myself to do it again. I'm on probation and i have to much to lose. Know if i were to fail a drug test i have enough prescriptions for pain meds that i could fail the drug test and not get in trouble. But this is besides the point. I was addicted to a drug that i was buying illegally. I have now been on them for two weeks, and even though that isnt that long of a time, but the withdraw effects are worse than when i did them over a long period of time. I dont know if its the snorting, or once you have an addiction things happen much quicker, or maybe the fact that i never went more than two weeks without them, and only one week of being clean this time before i started back. But this is the only time i have snorted them. I'm scared, I'm very scared. I am a good person, i think about peoples feelings, im a child of god, even though I'm disappointing him right now, i'm still a strong believer in the lord. I'm snorting about 90mg a day, and i want off. I want to quit letting myself down, i want to make god proud of me. I dont want to risk my freedom over this. I know the only way i will quit is with the absence of a come down, or minimal. but because im on probation i cant get any help. If if tell anyone im screwed. how do i go to a clinic and get methadone(i no people that have had there lives changed with methadone by helping them get clean and live good lives) If my probation officer finds out i will go to jail. And I'm really a good person, ive never been in trouble other than the getting caught with the extacy. ive never hurt anyone, im kind and caring, i have a way of understanding people and im majoring in psychology. Im a straight A student and i have so much to lose. Can anyone relate to my situation. I need someone to talk to. I'm keeping my habit a secret, the only one who knows is my brother. Is there any way i can apply for help with a clinic without being in trouble for trying to better myself due to probation. I talk to my probation officer about everything. But im to scared to talk to her about this. Please any advice about how i can get help without my right of privacy being broken. and if i do get the help i need, and get a prescription to wing myself off of these evil drugs, how do i explain a prescription of methadone to my probation officer. I need words of encouragement, i need help with getting help due to the whole probation thing(which is supposed to help me) but seems to be the only reason i cant get help that is offered to me. Please someone help me. I'm scared, i just want to be a good person, i just want to be all that god made me to be, I'm praying that someone that reads this will know exactly how i can get the help i need without getting in trouble for  seeking th help. also positive stories would be great. anything to lift my spirit.  God bless.

[907baby]

You need to get help, and your probation officer wont find out.  If you go to a methadone clinic they can't tell anyone, even somebody's PO.  My mom is in charge of medical records and release forms at big medical center and when I checked into detox she assured me that no one will know unless you tell them.  They can't even tell your insurance company unless you sign something.  Dont worry and don't let the fear of that keep you from getting clean.  Also if your at a clinic that means your quitting, which is a good thing.  People treat you a whole lot different when you are getting help for yourself.  It isn't the same as being addicted, which, even if your PO was to find out, can't even be proven.  You said yourself you have scrips for everything, so your in the clear.  There is nothing more important than getting off the pills. Good luck and I hope you take my advice.  Since you haven't been on roxi's for that long I would suggest just going to a 7 to 10 day detox rather than a long term treatment facility.  Ive been to both and I would recommend just getting everything out of your system in a place away from bad surroundings.  If you find it hard to stay clean when you get home then that is when you should consider rehab.  I really hope you get help, and I also would suggest out-patient counseling, which should be available at the methadone clinic your thinking of.  Personally I've never tried the methadone method but I've heard lots of success stories.  You will most likely get a lot of static for it (since your technically not clean of all opiates) but I would just do what you feel fits you.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.

[seeksolice]

I agree with 907 baby in that you wont get caught by your PO if you seek medical help.

HOWEVER... I have heard horror stories about Methadone. I would not only look into methadone as a means of recovery- Talk with a doctor about the option of Suboxone as well. Keep your options open! Methadone is by itself extremely addictive, causes weight gain, and it does in fact get you high if you start off at a fairly high dose (depends on your tolerance).

Many opiate addicts use methadone when they have no opiates, so they wont get sick. You can take methadone and opiates and its fine- But with Suboxone- if you use opiates while on it, it will throw you into withdrawals. Suboxone has a ceiling effect, so if you take a certain mg. of opiates while on it, the suboxone basically fights for the brain receptor (and wins) therefore keeping you from feeling the effects of opiates.

My bias opinion clearly leans more towards using Suboxone. I would advise, with Methadone, to err on the side of caution as you are an addict- we all are here- and addict don't need more heavily addictive drugs, like methadone.

First thing's first, I would stop worrying about your PO finding out about your addiction. Doctor patient confidentiality is on your side. If you get a script for Methadone or Suboxone, you can explain to the PO that the pain meds you were given were taken as prescribed for X number of months, and the doctor recommended giving you Methadone or Suboxone, which ever you decide, to lessen the effects of detox which are a natural reaction to long term opiate use (EVEN AS PRESCRIBED).

I am confident you will not be in trouble over this. Play your cards right. Your doing the right thing! hang in there. I know its scary to get clean... But once you take that initial step, you feel like a huge weight is lifted off of you.

[dominosarah]

Please if you cant cold turkey then really do alot of research on Methadone. I have heard horror stories about that stuff.  You are a good person with alot to offer.  These pills sneak up on us and before we know it we are in its grip.  You must not have to have random UAs?  I wish i had some better answers for your questions but i just know that you can get off these pills, it is no picnic but doable.  You will feel like you have the flu for about a week or so.  Vitamins are important and they have the thomas recipe at the bottom right corner.  You can do this.  You need to stay strong and keep telling yourself there is a better life out there.  Stay here on this forum and keep posting.  Most have gone to bed for the night but will be on in the morning.  We have all felt like you do and trust me this place is so great and the people are very supportive.               sara