Stay-At-Home Moms... Your Wisdom Is Needed

[BearHitch]

Normally I would post such a question on the other forum I frequent, but I thought I would try here first since there are so many women who post on there who are TTC... I need all of the wisdom I can get right now from stay-at-home moms of all age groups.  First let me say that I love my son to death and want the best of things for him, and I am also very much against putting him in daycare.  I know there must be a better solution than that for my situation.  

I am absolutely bored to death staying at home.  I feel myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs for my family and I.  Recently I have undergone a huge transition where my husband is now working full-time.  All of those years in school and being out of class and off work at 2 pm, and now that is switching to 5 pm.  With an 8 month old, I am exhausted by 9 - 10 pm, and our son goes to bed at 8:30 pm leaving minimal time for us at all.  What I have are 2 concerns that I need advice for...

1.  My first and foremost concern is what to do with myself all of this time DH is gone during the day.  There is only so much cleaning to take up your time, and I do not have any friends really with children.  Well, heck I'll just be honest - I really do not have any friends that I socialize with.  I know that is bad, but DH and I do not really belong anywhere that gives the opportunity if that makes sense.  I find it very hard to make new friends who are somewhat mature and married and have kids.  I have thought about volunteering, but I will have my son with me.  I was involved in a bible study but now find myself the oddball in that group because I have started on birth control at a doctor's recommendation, and now that I have moved I live now 45 minutes away from where it is held.  There are mom groups which I would like to get involved in, but they only meet 1 time a week and for only 1 hour.  To sum all of this up, I would like to know how other moms spend their days.  I feel as if my life is passing me by because I do nothing of importance besides watch my son.  I know that is an important job, I just feel like I have gifts that are being wasted.  Is this normal?  Perhaps I am not mom material  :S

2.  DH and I have a limited pool of babysitters, so planning date nights is an issue.  I do not want to leave DS with a stranger, and my parents live 45 minutes away from us.  His mom lives close but works in the evenings.  I am wondering how other couples have time to connect?  We used to spend so much time together and I miss that so much.  We both love our son, but sometimes I daydream about times when were able to devote our evenings to relaxing and enjoying each other's company.  

Over all, this is a long post.  I am posting this in a state of conflicting emotions: both shame because good moms don't feel this way, and sadness because I feel like my life is being wasted away.  I know when he is in school things will change, but a few years seems like such a long time.  I don't want to just "get by" until then, I want to be living these years of my life and I don't feel like I am.  

- A Sad Bearhitch

[Charlotterose]

I feel you on that.. I have the same problems.. and it doesn't make you a bad mom, and if it does well then we're both bad moms.. I really have no advice at this time due to the fact i'm in the same boat.. so if you find any good ideas please share them with me.. it's hard i am at times jealous of my DH beacause he gets to go to work.. how sad is that??

[nessie12]

Well i am not a mom...but my mother left work when i was an infant and got her licence to do daycare out of our home...you say that you dont want to put your own child in a daycare but there are plenty of people that must and are looking for a safe place to send their children

this can also be an opportunity to open a circle of friends eventhough my mother has stopped three or four years ago we are still in contact with most of the childrens  parents and i have made friends for life

another good thing is you make the rules contract wise,ages,children...not only is it a good source of income (just think of how expensive centers are) but you can pretty much stop whenever you please. my mother started in 1985 and did not stop till 2004 she began with me and another infant(who stayed with us thru middle school and had two brothers that my mother also watched) there were times she had two infants/toddlers and 6 school aged kids(me my brother and four others)

It all depends on how much you are willin to take on  
  

[teko]

First of all. Yes, GOOD Moms do feel that way. I do not know of a mom that has not from time to time felt the way you do, so quit being so down on yourself. My kids are all grown with families of their own now. But I will share with you what they do to cope. My eldest daughter started a Moms Group online. She set up a web page and soon other moms joined in. They make play groups where all there children and them get together for events. They take turns having these play groups either at their homes or places like the park etc. They also take turns babysitting for each other, thus giving each mom a night out. They keep up communication thru the website sharing and supporting one another.  Check the internet for a moms group near you.  The other daughter joined the Y. They have free babysitting so she can work out, swim, take yoga etc, and she loves it.  She has met others and struck up friendships that way and they too have something in common now.  I hope this helps.

[BearHitch]

To Charlotte - I appreciate your response.  I do not always feel this way, but recently I have more.  When I have some I will send encouragement your way  :)  

To Nessie - Thanks for the idea.  I have considered daycare out of my home, but I am not sure how I would do at watching my son plus other children.  It is still something to keep in mind and as you said, would provide an additional source of income.

To Teko - Your daughter has a great idea and it fits very well with my love of web design.  I didn't know the Y could have free babysitting, which I am going to check into today.  The first idea though is exactly what I am looking for - connecting with other moms for support.  Plus, that would help wtih my lack of babysitters problem.  Thank you for your support and wonderful suggestions!!!

[mayflowers]

I don't think you're a bad mom or not mother material because you feel this way. It's normal to feel kind of isolated in the beginning of your childs life.  The kid depends 100% on you and your DH.  What my girlfriends who do have children do is read a lot (one is always recommending me good books to read), some take courses on-line, garden and go to the gym.  With the older children, they have play dates and then meet with other mothers in similar situations.  It won't be like this forever, you will get out of the house soon.

I am not mother material b/c I NEVER  want to care for anyone but myself and I couldn't be there emotionally for another human being such as a child.  I knew this a long time ago so basically avoided pregnancy successfully with all my might.   I have a hard enough time caring about my current boyfriend, but he knows I'm stunted emotionally and somehow deals with it.  I've learned to let go with adults but children deserve more and somehow I always knew I could never provide what they needed.  So, unless you feel like me, which I really don't think you do, then you ARE in fact mother material.

[BearHitch]

Well I wouldn't say I feel that way exactly, no.  I feel sometimes like I am incredibly selfish though sometimes because I just want to do my own thing and just hang out with my husband.  I watch HGTV alot and am envious when I see the empty-nesters being able to vacation and that.  I don't think either of us were totally prepared with how much attention a child would require.  We both say we are anxious for when he gets older and is a little more independent... its just getting to that point and I don't want to spend my days wishing for tomorrow when I might very well die in a year.  You know?  Thanks for your support, mayflowers  :)

[mayflowers]

I don't think any parent is ever prepared for how much a child depends on them in the beginning.  Teachers never tell you about it in health class do they?  Even if they did, no one would listen b/c for most people having children seems to be instinctual.   It's normal to be selfish and want to do what you want, when you want.   I would be worried about the parent who wasn't a little selfish and never wanted their own space.  But, your day will come when your son is in college and never calls you and you'll be wishing he was your little baby boy again.  One of my sisters is going through this now.  She wants to talk to her son but he's out having fun!!!!!!   Enjoy this time while you can b/c it won't last forever.  Nothing last forever.

It may sound strange but I am never jealous of people who are pregnant or have children however there are times when I wonder if I missed something b/c parents seem a little more evolved emotionally than me.  It's like having a child somehow makes a person a little more human and understanding of the human condition.  Single people seem stunted in their growth, like we all have the emotionally maturity of a 12th grader.   I think that maybe I should adopt a child just so I can grow up a bit but what if I can't and mess up some poor kids life for nothing????!!!!  

So, at least you've got this going for ya.  You're going to be wiser whether you like it or not.

[BearHitch]

This is true.  I am glad that I had a child because I have been able to experience pregnancy and childbirth and raising a child.  So, I am glad that I have had the opportunity to experience this, but having had the troubles that we have had and that, it only makes me more confident in our decision to only have one!!!  :)  I think I would agree that having a child matures you in a way, well some parents anyway.  I feel being a parent has made me make sacrifices and that has made me more willing to go with the flow and not demand my way or the highway, if that makes sense.  

[kathy1029]

Hi I'm a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids and it's not easy.  Just this morning I was wishing I had an hour to myself. I dropped out of nursing school to spend more time with my kids but there are times I regret doing that. I quit my job after my third child was born because I only worked part time--so by the time I paid for daycare & gas I'd be losing money.  I think all moms go through the feelings you are having. When the baby takes his nap & the other two are playing together (rare) I have started selling items on e-bay.  It helps clean out the clutter & I make a little bit of money.
As far as spending time with your husband --I can really relate to this.  He's out the door at 5 am and back home at 5pm.  By the time dinner, playing & baths are done we are both ready to go to sleep.  On the weekends we really make a point after the kids go to bed to sit on our deck, maybe have a couple drinks and just talk about the week, the kids , everything.  Hang in there you'll be fine---you sound like a great mom.

[kathy1029]

I had to laugh when I read your post about being jealous because your husband gets to go to work.  I feel the same way at times.  At least he gets to have comnversations with adults!!

[mami1323]

I was only a stay at home mom for the first 2 months of my son's life and let me say, I was bored to tears.  Occasionally, I would meet up with my fiance's sister who had her daughter 3 weeks before I had my son.  But all in all, I was just so depressed because my fiance worked all the time.  What I could recommend is possibly joining a baby gymboree or something along those lines.  You could meet other mothers and make play dates.  Maybe they can recommend sitters to you as well so you can get some alone time with your hubby.  The Y is also a great idea.  

[BearHitch]

Wow - I had no idea other moms felt this way at times too!  I would never mention it to someone because I would be afraid they would think I was a bad mom, but maybe that is the problem... its not talked about!  :)  Thanks for the encouragement, gals, very appreciated!  I found a moms group here locally and am trying to get in contact with the leader to find out when they meet.

[jenshim]

BearHitch, I stayed at home with my girls when they were little and became quite depressed. It was like the world was revolving around me and I wasn't a part of it. I did everything I wanted as a SAHM. I cooked, I cleaned, I took my girls to the park, read them stories and did fun activities with them. But I felt like I lost most of who I was as a person and I didn't like it. Once I started working, those feelings went away. I will tell you though, once your baby gets to be more talkative and walking and being able to carry on a conversation it does get a little better. For me it did. I just know myself though, and I know I could never be a full time stay at home mommy. I need my social time and my me time. That is my time at work! I'm glad to come home and appreciate my kids so much more when I'm not with them 24/7. Have you considered a part time job and daycare for just a few hours with a trusted friend or family member? Or maybe just part time child care, and you would be able to socialize with the daycare moms. Women need socialization and girlfriends. They need a social outlet. For me, staying at home just wasn't enough. I felt guilty, but I was much more appreciative of my time with them once I joined the workforce again. Good luck...I know how it feels.

[mayflowers]

Personally I don't understand why anyone would work if they didn't have too.  If I could get my BF to support me completely, I would quit in a heartbeat.  I've been working my whole adult life and I'm plain tired.   I hate office politics, don't care about the baby showers or birthday lunches.   Some of the "working moms"' at our office are the laziest workers I've ever seen.  They use their kids as excuses for why they can't work late, or need a day off.  There's doctor appt, or teacher conferences.  The best are those  school fund raisers where they sell cheap cr@p for 10X's the value.  Then they complain when they don't get promoted or get raises like the rest of the folks.  

The "childless" folks do work harder in my opinion b/c they CAN, they got time and energy and deserve more money and bigger bonuses b/c they work harder.    Luckily the position I have now is pretty independent and I don't have to work with any moms or have limited interaction with them.  

I do understand the need for communication with adults but can't you find it at gym or library book club?  Or maybe just work part-time when the kids are at daycare.  

I also wonder if the mom's are looking around at the people going to work and thinking that it looks like fun.  Let me tell you, it's not.  The grass is not greener on the other side.  Working for most people is drudgery and if we didn't have to do, we wouldn't.  

I am tired of keeping this in so thanks for letting me express my feelings.  It felt good.