I am so angry at him right now. How should I be reacting?

[crystalfresh]

So mad. I thought my friend went crazy, like medically crazy. I didn't think he was drinking anymore because he is always broke all the time. Can't pay bills so how can he afford boos. He is probably broke because he is drinking all the time. $200 at bars,  bottles at his house. So angry at my friend right now. He started making up stories over the phone about crazy things. I don't know why I never saw it before.

I am so angry at him right now. Should I be angry at him? Or is this kind a thing something someone can not control. He lied to me, saying he doesn't ever drink besides the twice a month at the bar. All lies. So should I be mad that he has hid this from me and lied for so long? I don't want to take his phone calls at night anymore because I know he is drinking and he is going to make up fake stories and lie and cry to me. I am almost fed up and ready to walk away. Do I have the right to be this angry at him? All these months of him making up stories and crying for my help over things that didn't even exist or were blown out of proportion. Now to find out he was just drinking while he was on the phone crying to me. This makes me so mad. I always questioned him if he was drinking and he said no, can't afford to, no money. So mad at him for lying to me. He knows how much I hate being around alcohol.

How should I react. Right now I don't want to be his friend. Am I wrong. He has put me through $#@* trying to help him and his problems and now I find out he is just a drunk and always talking to me under the alcohol. I don't want to  talk to him on the phone anymore. He drinks morning, noon, and night. He lies and makes up stories when he drinks. I have so had it. I don't know how to react. I am just really angry right now. I just found out. Thank you.

[crystalfresh]

Wow. I just read what I wrote. Didn't know it affected me so much. I am calmer now, I am sad and angry. He chooses to drink because it makes him feel better I guess. But I don't like being around him or talking to him when he drinks. Since it's all the time, don't know how a friendship will still continue. I am going to confront him tonight since last night he was totally drunk. He is just going to lie and deny, but I just want to make it clear that I don't want to see or talk to him if there is any alcohol in his system.

Am I handling this correctly? I know I can't make him stop drinking until he admits how much he really drinks. What else can I do. He lives alone and is older set in his ways.

[crystalfresh]

or wait until he hits rock bottom and try to help him pick up the pieces. But that happened and he ended right back where he is time and time again. So frustrating. How do you handle being around people like this? I'd like some pointers.

[tschock]

Sweetie I know how you feel. My bf is an alcoholic and he puts me through all sorts of things. My father too is one of them. So I guess I've had alot more time to adjust to these people than you have.
First you have to keep in mind that it is thier problem and not your's.
You have done nothing wrong.
You can NOT help those that do NOT wish to be helped.
Most lie about drinking because they are ashamed of thier problem or because they are in denial.
All you can do for them is to give them a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold when they need it.
My father has been in and out of hospitals for years to get help...but his "friends" would bring him beer to the hospital...
No matter how much they beg you for money,or for booze, do not give in.It will not help them. It will show to them that it doesn't bother you that they drink.It shows them that you want them to drink.
My dad is very poor (his last wife took everything) but I will not give him money.
Instead I help him cut logs for warmth. I cook him meals and freeze them. Why?
Because he calls me constantly hinting at needing money. He'll call and say things such as " I need oil for my furnace,but I don't know where I'll get the money from."
So I called and had oil delivered to him.
It's mean to say, but after his 50 some years of drinking,the happiest day in my life was the day that he was finally pulled over by the police and got arrested for drinking and driving. It's too bad that his blood alcohol level was too low for them to pull his license for good.
I do these things for him because I love him...I feel sorry for him.
And because I love him I gently tell him that there will be no money. I will not contribute to his death. His liver is already failing. He is jaundice. It is just a matter of time.
My bf on the other hand is a little better but not much.
When I first met him he was addicted to crack cocaine on top of the drinking.
I held his hand,let him cry on my shoulder,left him to his own demise when he would buy that junk ( because I learned that asking them to stop,or yelling at them just makes it worse) and would talk to him when he was straight.
I am proud to say that after a 7 month period of talking,crying,and being slightly irritable ...he quit. He has been clean of drugs for a year and 3 months now.
Now for his drinking lol. He did quit for a few months just before last Christmas.
We had gone through a miscarriage and he had ruined my 40th Bday...(he was too busy with his drinking buddies to even remember it was my Bday....they were more important)
So the next morning he finally wakes up,doesn't say a word for quite awhile,and then he came over to me,dropped to his knees,and asked me not to leave him. He said he would quit drinking. And he did. Until New Years that is. They were a wonderful 3 months.
Then he started leaving the house.He started talking to people again.He started going to his brother's house (where drinking and pot smoking is the norm) and slowly he started drinking again. He has given many reasons in the past for his drinking. I took offence to all.
He has stated that he does it because :
it makes boring people more interesting..... so I assume I'm a boring person
it helps to take his mind off of things.....uh huh...he's ignoring the problem
it's nice to have a cold beer when it's hot out....so what about all winter?
it helps me to relax.....so does a massage or hot tub
The list goes on...they all have thier reasons.
My dad's reasons? My mother made him do it....ugh...dumb...let's blame others.
At least my dad is honest with his next excuse...."because I need it'....yay dad...at least you admit it. lol
I hope some of this helps you.
It doesn't help to just ignore them though. If you plan on never talking to him again then that is an option. But you must stick to that. You can't run back and forth. You can't be there for them and then desert them,and then be there again..that just adds fuel to the fire.
You either have to let them lean on you as they try to get help, or you must leave them because they refuse the help. BUT you can only help them IF they ask you for it.
You cannot make a person quit. They need to realize that they have a problem and then they must seek help.

[slow_healer]

It's his problem, and setting a solid boundary (I don't want to see or talk to him if there is any alcohol in his system) is an excellent idea. We can care about people with alcohol problems, but ultimately they have to care about how their choice to drink is affecting the people around them. You can try telling your friend that you're concerned and his behavior is upsetting you, but it's up to him to make a change.

Be warned though. IMO people with alcohol problems who are in denial don't want to face how their alcohol is affecting anyone. You might confront him, and he might go out and get hammered to forget that you were upset with him to begin with. That's his choice to deal with it that way (and it's very selfish). Don't internalize his behavior as your fault. Good luck!