Somebody Please Help.

[NicoleLauren]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum for this, but I didn't know where else to post it.

I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with a man that I managed to escape from yesterday, with the help of my best friend, her boyfriend, and my parents. He was controlling...I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without him, unless it was a 2 minute errand (and even then he got suspicious). He tried to destroy the friendship between myself and my best friend of 6 years, and he also tried to ruin my relationship with my mother. He forbade me to talk to any other guys. He had to know the passwords to all my email, Myspace, and cell phone accounts. He went through my messages, texts, and everything. He accused me of cheating all the time, when he (and everyone else) knew that I've never cheated on anyone in my life. He'd scream at me for hours for something I didn't even do. He'd accuse me of lying when he knew I was telling the truth. He'd tell me "f*ck you" multiple times. Sometimes he would force himself on me when I didn't want to have sex, but I'd have to do it anyway or he'd get mad. I was/am terrified of this man. The last straw for me was when he finally met my mother and was completely disrespectful to her, and made me say mean things to her as well (I only did so because I was terrified of what would happen when we got home if I didn't). Yesterday afternoon, after getting home from meeting my mom, he screamed at me for over an hour, threatening me...in front of my best friend, who refused to leave my side due to her fear for me. She ended up calling her boyfriend, who came over and helped us move all my stuff out and took me away. My parents then drove down and picked me up and took me home with them.

Ever since I left, he texted me nonstop. When I wouldn't respond to his texts, he began calling me off the hook. I turned my phone off. Then my best friend called me on the house phone and told me he showed up at her apartment (where I had lived before moving in with him) and tried to get her boyfriend to tell him where I am. When he wouldn't, he continued to call me. I also got emails from him. He's shown up at my friend's apartment at least 3 times, harassing her and her boyfriend. Though I'm 2 hours away now, I'm terrified that he's going to show up here at my parents' house. I'm so scared of him, and I'm so scared of him coming here. My friend ended up calling the police, who said they would call and warn him...but I don't think that'll stop him. I'm so scared. I want to go somewhere safe, but I don't know where I would be safe.

To make matters worse, I'm pregnant with his child. I just found out 4 days ago that I'm pregnant...and now I wish I didn't tell him. My mother is urging me to get an abortion, but I don't believe in them. I'd feel like a murderer for the rest of my life. Plus, it may be his child, but it's my child too. And I'm not going to punish my unborn child for having an abusive father. That's not fair. I'm young (20), and not necessarily in the stage of my life where I'm ready to be a mother, but I know that with the help of my family and friends I would be able to raise an amazing son or daughter and give them such a great life. I don't want to kill my baby. I can't. I already know I could make it so he could never see the child. He does drugs, deals drugs, has an incredible anger management problem, no job, and is financially not fit to raise a child, even though he already has 2.

I'm so stuck right now. I'm terrified of him showing up. I'm scared for my best friend. And I'm stressed out about my mother trying to make me kill my baby. I don't know what to do. I'm starting therapy next week hopefully, but I need some advice before then. Any you have for me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[RockRose]

Nicole,  I think you probably should call the battered women's shelter in your area and ask for help.

They will know the state laws about whether he can demand to know where you are,  since you are pregnant with his child.  It's all so much more complicated because you're pregnant, you may not have a right to just walk away.

Call them and tell them everything and they will help you.

Best wishes.

[NicoleLauren]

But I didn't just walk away to be mean. I walked away for my safety and the safety of my child.

[RockRose]

This is your word against his,  Nicole,  and he may have some rights here,  I really don't know.

You will get a sympathetic ear,  and good advice,  at the Battered Women's Shelter.  If he wants to he can make this VERY difficult for you - make it easier on yourself by getting good information.

Best wishes.

[teko]

To add to what Rockrose has said, you may also want to file a restraining order against him making it illegal for him to contact you or any of your friends or family. These guys are mostly insecure people who like the idea of control but sometimes can turn nuts. What you were experiencing is domestic violence 101. It will not stop, it will only get worse. Their goal is to cut you off from everyone that you know, thereby taking any outlet you may have to get away from them. You are very lucky to have friends and family to help you. Please do not go back as it will not get better. You have to make your own decision about the child, but also must realize that he will be in your life in one form or the other from now on if he is the babies daddy. Take some time to get stronger and avoid him for now. Good Luck

[NicoleLauren]

The police did have to be notified, as he is continuing to try to track me down and harassing my friend and her boyfriend. The police gave him a verbal warning and told him if he tried to contact us one more time it would lead to a restraining order, and if he violated the restraining order he will be arrested.

I do understand that if I choose to have this child that I will in some way be connected to him for the rest of my life, but as I stated before, I have plenty of evidence against him to make it so that he will not be able to be in contact with myself or the child. And I know raising a child as a single mother will be tough, especially when the child's father was abusive, but I just cannot bring myself to justify terminating this pregnancy. Though it's early in my pregnancy, it's still a live baby, and I'd still feel as if I was punishing it for its father's mistakes. I just can't do it. I know it's going to be tough, I get that. But I can't kill an innocent baby.

[teko]

No one here is advocating abortion. Only trying to make sure you realize what you are up against. You are 20 years old and I am assuming this guy is not much older. Unless he has some terrible thing in his past and has been convicted of a terrible crime, he will have rights as a father under the law. He will be granted visitation and be expected to participate in the support of the child. Prisons are full of guys that are dads, but still have parental rights when they get out. I would advise you to speak to an attorney to find out what legal rights will be in place for both of you. Regardless, you need to steer clear of this guy. Your parents will help you in whatever you decide. (By the way! I do not believe in abortion either!). And I agree, it is not babies fault. Good luck

[margypops]

There are many great kind people out there would love to adopt your Baby, you need a restraining order against the Dad, go and get some good advise on what to do.

[NicoleLauren]

I know that adoption is also an option, but I can't do that either. It's my child. It's not that I couldn't care for it. I could raise it just fine by myself with the help of my family.

The police said they would give him a verbal warning, and if he goes against them and continues to try to locate me or contact me, there will be a restraining order issued. Since they have talked to him he's stopped harassing me, at least for now.

[RockRose]

Nicole,  I think you have been very,  very lucky to have the cops give you such support.  It doesn't sound like you've ever called to report abuse before,  and on your word alone and your friends they've acted.  I think you're dealing with a response that you'd get from about 1 percent of police departments.  

Best wishes.

[treazzure007]

leave the child out of everything from here on out.  dont acknowledge or inform anyone of you being pregnant and even when it becomes obvious, dont discuss details of the father.   even lie and say the father is someone else.  get your number changed too.  perhaps, you will be lucky enough that this guy (whom you say already has children) will move on due to you cutting him off and losing all contact and possibly meet his next woman/victim, end up in prison, or killed in self-defense one day (if he hadnt started slapping you around, you better believe you had it coming).  

you raise and care for that baby yourself.  trust me, YOU DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO W/ THIS PSYCHO EVER.  not even a dime of child support is worth him being around you and your child and continuing to make your life a LIVING HELL

[NicoleLauren]

I totally agree with you, I don't even want child support from him. I wasn't going to ask for it anyway. I will have plenty of financial support from my family when needed.

I have already changed my phone number, email, everything that could be changed. He has no way to contact me, unless he finds out where I am and drives up here. Since he doesn't have a working car, I highly doubt that'll happen.

I will definitely listen to your advice about not telling anyone that I'm pregnant and not going into detail about the father. That is an excellent idea. Thank you.

[jo929]

First let me say that i am sorry that you went through this. All of the above gave very good advice, but you said he verbally, and emotionally abused you, if he did not hit you then he really was not to dangerous was he,? also how long were you in the relationship. I cant undestand why you just  did not find him gone one day and leave, do you work did he work, The reason I ask these questions are  I had a daughter that was abused in every way hit broken nose arm the whole bit,One day he left the house for something, he thought he had her beaten so far down, she would never get up, she got away when he left one day took no clothes, just ran and got herself into a shelter than God, i lived a thousand miles away, and she did not tell me, also this was her husband, anyway he got his punishment, the reason i mention this is that, were you afraid he would hit you? why could you not have called your mom a friend,also called a shelter, and if he did not hit you why are you terrified, he sounds like abully, and someone needs to stand up to him. Now i hope that i do not offend you, but you seem to be very dependent on others, and you may have to grow up some and face the police,, or whatever, instead of depending on others to call police ect, I say this because this has happened to many other woman, and they had no help what so ever except a shelter. they had to get a job and support their child,, so you are very lucky, you say you dont have to worry your parents will help you financially, but someday, you will have to grow up and learn to stand on your own 2 feet, so to speak, also you say( my mom is trying to make me kill my baby)unquoteI am sure your mother is dicussing options, and i am quite sure she will accept your decision, this quote makes her sound terrible, and if you are living with your parents i am sure, they put the roof over your head, feed you, and buy what you need or am i wrong, she does have the right to advise, but you dont have to do it I guess what i am getting at you have more advantages than most people in your situation, but it does sound like you want every one else to do the work for you, you need to call the police or whatever iot takes, and not depend on your  friends and parents for everything I also jope that all young women-read this post  and it will help them, as my daughters post helped many people, she had to go through therapy a long time due to physical and all of the abuses even to make her think it was not her fault, abuse can leave a person

[Jenn12200]

I know exactly what you are going through. I too am a little young(26) and just got out of an abusive relationship. Mine was mental and physical. He would burn me with cigarettes, yell in face, push me down, and he even threw a cigareete rolling machine at my face one time and gave me a scar clear down the side of my cheek. And to top it off I have a 7 year old son who watched it all. Be lucky that you got away when you did. I wish I would have left sooner but I too was afraid of what would happen. He threatened to kill me if I ever left. I also had an abortion when my son was 11 months old. His father was abusive too and I thought at the time that would be the best option. Well not a day goes by that I don't wonder what the child would be like now. And I had a great amount of emotional depression afterwards. Your best bet is to just stay away! Your right it is your child and you don't want your child to grow up thinking that this kind of behavior