Afraid to be Alone.

[leighnah]

I was 'diagnosed' with depression when I was 14 years old, after an intercepted suicide attempt, and was put onto Celexa ( medication) right away. I took it for 2 years, but at 16, decided I wanted to be myself, and not some chemically alterted ice-queen version of myself. There was no sadness, but there was no happiness either. So I went off my medication, but problems started not even 4 months later. I was taken in for testing at a mental health hospital/facility, and went through a rigorous testing process that had them looking into everything from my sleeping patterns, eating habits to bowel movements. They tentatively diagnosed "rapid cycling mood disorder" or "rapid bipolar disorder" and put me onto an anti-seizure medication that also levels out seratonin production. Within a week I was suicidal and refusing to eat, so I was taken off the medication, and then went back to being 'myself'. Nothing was ever done with the diagnosis, and I haven't been back to a doctor for my depression since. I went to therapy from the ages of 14 - 17, and the therapist believed that my depression stemmed from an abusive background and abandonment issues (I've been adopted twice, and was abused as a young teen) But even after working through my problems, I still have bad depression, find myself crying uncontrollably for no reason, have terrible mood swings, and vary between hating myself and not eating, to having a great day, laughing and seeming overall 'healthy'
My mother and grandmother (and 3 uncles, as well as 2 of my sisters) take anti-depressants, but I am terrified that I will have another negative reaction and become suicidal again. I am depressed, but I certainly don't want to die.

I'm at my wits end, and don't know what to do. I can't afford therapy, and I'm not willing to try a medication, but I'm afraid if I don't do anything, something bad will end up happening anyways. lately I've been feeling a really strong urge to cut, and its only through fear of being found out that I haven't.  I need help.

[sandyc375]

not all meds will give you the same reaction , if you try another it may work .  also i dont know what state you live in but here in michigan if you cant afford mental health you can get help through the state mental health facility. Check and see if your state has such a program.  Please keep trying and dont start cutting .  

[volver]

like sandy said, some states have programs (grants, etc) for people who can't afford therapy.  many places also have sliding scale fees.  and if there is a university or church in your area, sometimes they offer free or cheap counseling as well.  you might consider going to the nearest mental health clinic and asking if they can help you; they can let you know what resources might be available to you.

as for meds, also as sandy said, a different med might help you.  but if you don't feel they are best for you, you might look into alternative therapies.

if you are worried you are going to hurt yourself, do you have any relatives or friends you might could stay with for awhile?  sometimes it can help just to be around other people.

[Jikan]

Self mutilation can signal unresolved anger. Although seeking help through this forum, you really need to see a mental health provider who is qualified to idenify and diagnois your symptoms, as soon as possible. Most communities have services available for free or at low cost. As far as medications, anti-depressants and some others can cause suicidal thoughts in younger patients, however new advances make a wide variety of options available to you. You may not get immediate relief and it may take several different medications (i.e. either alone or in combination) to get relief, but don't give up.
You're depression may seem unbearable at times, but I also have had problems with depression and other mental health issues for years.  I used to self medicate with alcohol, but after a suicide attempt and a 6 month stay in a psychiatric hospital, I started my recovery. Many days are still bad and I very seldom feel above baseline(what people call "normal"). Please get some help. Life is too presious to give up on. If there's anything I can do for you or if want to vent, just drop me a note. Namaste!

Michael