13 year old still sleeping with dad

[maxie68]

Is it normal for a 13 yr old boy to still want to sleep with his father? My fiance's son still sleeps with him when he stays over. He used to ask to sleep with us but I told my fiance that is a NO and I will not have that, so instead of making him sleep alone he will sleep with him in the other room. I think it's ridiculous as I have a 6 year old who  sleeps by herself with no problem. Why can't he just tell him he is too old? We have small children learn to sleep alone and we all get over it but he will not make his son sleep alone. I have heard him tell him he is too old before but his son tells him he's scared or what not so he gives in. In my opinion he is making his son co-dependent and helpless instead of trying to raise a young man and I feel as though his son is playing into it. He has no problem spending the night at friend's houses, going to parties and even stays at home alone when he is at his mother's house but that is not the case when he is at our house. My fiance just cannot say no to his son. The way he acts and speaks of his son anyone would think he has a toddler instead of a young man and I just don't think it's healthy at all.
We have been together for 1 yr and a half (my fiance and his ex have been apart almost 5 yrs) and at first I thought it was a little much but here we are now it's still going on. I feel it's really affecting our relationship, privacy and how I feel about him (fiance).I have no privacy. If my door is closed to our bedroom he will walk right in without knocking, uses my restroom instead of using the restroom that we have designated for the kids. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Help!

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Maxie68,

You hit the nail right on the head in that it is your fiance's responsibility to set down boundaries with his son.  While I would imagine that his son is fearing what will happen to his relationship with his father with you a more permanent part of his father's life, you may want to continue to point out to your fiance that he is not helping his son by allowing him into your "private space," which is clearly having an impact on how his son views boundaries and privacy in other areas, but it is harming your relationship.  In some ways, the situation is not dissimilar to what parents go through when setting limits with young children -- at first, children respond by an increase in a protest (in this case, his son telling him that he is scared), and eventually, kids learn to soothe themselves and are able to tolerate the limit.  If the boy is not able to do this after a couple of weeks of firm but gentle limit setting, then you may want to consider having the boy see someone professionally about his fears.

[wishforchange]

I agree with you and Dr. Greenburg.  If your partner's lad is not set clear boundaries for his behaviour now he will be at a loss when it comes to understanding the privacy needs of those who he forms new relationships with.  Many years ago I had a boyfriend who I had known just a matter of weeks.  While he was around my place I found him freely opening my private cupboards and drawers, reading my mail, and yes he would walk in the bathroom whilst I was on the toilet.  He could see nothing wrong with his behaviour.  We had dated a few times, so in his mind this was acceptable.  The relationship ended quite quickly.  Habits children pick up stay with them, and your boy is learning that he does not have to respect the needs or privacy of his parents.  If you find it too hard to be firm with him about setting boundaries, and your partner, then maybe invoke the help of a family counselling service.  This will also give your fiancee's child an avenue to explore his fears, and how he responds to others.  I am NOT implying anything here but you also need to be aware that he is now at an age where he is sexually aware, and should not be sharing or even walking into either bedroom or private bathroom of yours or you partners.  He may potentially walk in at inappropriate times, and this will be very harmful to his developing sexual awareness.  Again I am not saying there is anything untoward happening, but you are leaving the door wide open (literally) to the possibility.  I do hope you understand what I am getting at.

[StressedInsomniac]

May i ask something; was he babied, in the term was he mothered and spoilt as a young boy?

Reminds me of my cousin, who was a spoilt little....he slept with his mum until he was about 10 and would expect his mum to bath him and dry him and sometimes even dress him. And on one occasion his mum even dried him with a hair dryer!!! I might be sixteen, but i would let a kid sleep in the bed while they are in the first couple years of childhood. But at the age of thirteen he should be sleeping on his own and becoming dependent on himself, what is he like at home with his mother does he sleep in his own bed there?

Some boys have been mothered to much for many peoples liking, I have known some boys like this and it will affect them in there future teen years i found it hard to get on with my cousin who is two years younger then me now as he was too...soft in the term that he couldn't take jokes and was softer then a pillow!

I hope you have this sorted soon!

Ben