Son uncommunicative with mother, friendly with dad

[bluesky4]

I have a 20 year-old son in college who barely talks to me.  My husband and I have been married 40 years. The kids had what I thought was a great childhood.  Dinners together every night, scouts, soccer, hikes, room- parent, lots of fun family time -- nothing that I can think of that would bring about this unkindness.  He will walk right by me on his way out the door to his summer job and not even say, "good-bye".  Just the little things that make life enjoyable.  If I say hello or good-bye, often he doesn't even respond.  He is not like this with his father; in fact he seems to go out of his way to talk to him and acting as if I'm not even in the room.  I have tried to talk to him, but he says I am annoying and gets up and leaves the room.  I have no idea on how to reach him.  I should mention that I was the "bad cop parent" enforcing curfews, assigning chores, but in a fair and kind way.  Their father always undermined me, even doing their chores for them --he was the "good cop parent" and always wanted to be their best friend.   I have two sons, a male dog and a male parakeet. My home is full of testosterone!  I need some TLC, someone to talk to.  How can I get my son to be kinder and more considerate?   All of his friend's parents think he's wonderful!

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

First, the "good" news, if there is such thing in these matters: your son is treating you the way many adolescents treat their parents at times, as if the parent doesn't matter or doesn't exist, or is basically a nuisance, how you are feeling (often, this begins earlier in adolescence).  As adolescents are beginning to make their way in the world as an adult they will sometimes, even often, resort to this behavior.  Because you are the "bad cop" in your family, you are being seen as the one who is "holding him back" from going out into the world.  In actuality, I believe your son is disowning the part of him that wants to remain a kid and is scared and putting that onto you, because he (like all adolescents) is anxious about going into the world as an adult, but it isn't "cool" to admit that.  

The more problematic part of what you wrote is what the other respondent picked up on as well, your husband's behavior.  By always being the "good cop," your husband is, probably without fully realizing it, putting you in the role of "bad cop" and leaving you feeling alone and unsupported with the painful consequences of setting limits (because let's face it, most parents don't enjoy saying "no" to their kids and getting them upset, but sometimes it's unavoidable).  I think that letting him know the impact of his behavior on you is a place to start.

As far as your son is concerned, I would remain consistent with your son, letting him know your limits while conveying to him that you care deeply for him.  Usually (and hopefully in this situation as well), adolescents grow out of this and are able to recall the build upon the earlier closeness that they had with their parents as they gain more solid footing in the world of adulthood.

[wishforchange]

This is tough for you, and I'm sorry.  It sounds like this is not a situation which developed overnight.  Your husband has to take a great whack (not literally!) of the responsibility for allowing this type of relationship with your son to become what it now is.  Parenting is about showing a united front, if discipline and respect are to be developed in a child.  By constantly undermining you and making you the 'bad cop' your son has learnt to not show you respect now he is old enough to do as he pleases, and also to maybe blame you for every restriction or grievance in his life.  The best children, in the best families, all have somewhere a chip on their shoulder about their parents, it's regrettably par for the course.  
I have a few questions.  Does he show you affection of love or respect in other ways?  For example remebering birthdays and aniversaries, and still respecting your laying down the law when needs come?  Or has he just fully blanked you out?  If he is still demonstrating affection in other ways, then maybe things are not so bad, but either way  it is your husband who now has to step in and try to repair things.  Your son has learnt to see him as an allie, if he now commands that it is disrespectful to ignore his mother, your boy will then lose the support he has been getting to date for this behaviour.  I think you need to have a long, and very overdue, talk with your husband, maybe even family counselling if he is resistant to wanting to change.  Your husband loves his children as do you, but his first loyalty should always be to his wife.  What model of women are your boys getting unless they learn to respect you?  I think this is past the point where you can directly talk this out with your boy, it has to come from his dad, from the one person he is showing respect to.  He is an adult now, and a lot of his personality and opinions are setting themselves for the duration, so this may be the last chance to change how he sees you.  I am only saying this because this situation seems to have drifted here from so many years back.  But you can do nothing without the full support of your husband, and getting him to change may be the hardest challenge.  So many years together, it sounds like a solid marriage.  Rare and precious these days.  But as you know marriage is like a job, both sides working and compromising to keeping the relationship going and caring for the kids.  It sounds like your man has not been pulling his weight, and you have allowed him to undermine you.  Hence the consequences.  Talk to you husband, and if he won't listen, take him to a marraige counsellor maybe who will show him.  He loves you, he just hasn't had to make the effort to show it.  Maybe time to show your 'bad cop' side to your partner?  
This is my opinion, you may well get others here, go with what feels right for you.