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Autism Community
This forum is for questions and support regarding ADHD, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Blindness, Bullying, Causes of Autism, Autism Therapies, Clinical Depression, Deafness, Dyslexia, Isolation, Mental Retardation, Social Alienation, etc.
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could my mom be autistic
by myfivebrats1972, Jul 01, 2008 05:17PM
she is 54yrs old and when i was younger she was not a good mom she was extremly childish and still is,she obsesses over stuffed animals and cows.she even wears the feet pajamas espesially if they have an animal on them,she wont give people eye contact and when i talk to her i find myself having to really try and get her attention.she is not good at making friends she has hardly any because mainly she wont give and take any conversation for very long,i also notice she has a thing for rocking especially when she is watchin t.v or if she is bored.i feel awful cause i kept telling people i think my mom is mildly retarted but i woke up thought about it because my daughter has a form of autism.there is alot more but this is just a little about her.
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My own mum is very reclusive and finds it impossible to have a friend type of relationship. So she just sticks with family. She is also very black and white about things and eventhough she says she tries to see the other person's point of view, she actually doesn't, she sees another aspect of herself, but many times she cannot factor in the other person's information into the scenario.
I also have an older sister with learning difficulties ie. low IQ and she presents differently from my son who is on the spectrum. My sister tends to be not very good at everything, which would tie in with a lower IQ. My son is brilliant at some things and very poor at others. This is what they call a spiked profile and it indicates at least average intelligence, but for some reason (autism?, dyslexia?, sensory disorder? etc) he finds some things very hard to do.
Would it matter if your mom was autistic? Is she unhappy or unable to do things in life? Would a diagnosis help her out? If she's happy living her life, and her life is going well, would it really matter whether or not she has autism?
Autism does have a huge genetic factor. With my daughter having diagnosis of PDD, I am starting to look at myself, my husband, and my family... and noticing lots of autistic traits. I possibly could get a diagnosis of aspergers if I wanted to. I don't. Ditto with my husband. I figure, I'm in my 30s, I can function well enough on my own. Getting a diagnosis at this point in my life probably wouldn't help me out. I can hold a job (though I do have limits, and I can't hold any job, only certain ones). Right now for me the adverse reasons outweight the benefits (don't want another thing on my health history for the health insurance to raise my costs on top of what I already have). My primary care doctor is aware of my issues that I do have (ADD/ADHD, mild OCD, social anxiety disorder, sensory integration disorder, and also seeing a counselor about communication issues with people). So it's not like I'm ignoring who I am or how I am. Just refusing a label since for me it would hurt more than help... Now for my daughter... she has to get through the school system. For her, yes, a diagnosis would help. It would help her immensely. She's also languaged delayed so speech therapy will be beneficial. Not that she'd need a diagnosis of PDD to get that. My sister back in the 1980s went through speech therapy starting at age 3 1/2 and continued speech therapy through 4th/5th grade. Hopefully my daughter won't go through the hell I went through in school. And she'll get early intervention and help with language. Maybe other kids will understand her better than they understood me when I was growing up. Maybe I'm living life with rose colored glasses on and dreaming that it will be better for her. I guess I'll have to wait and find out.
I know in my parents generation, they viewed autism as some kid who would sit in a corner all day long staring at the walls with drool coming out his mouth. My generation probably saw autism as the character out of the movie Rainman. I think a lot of adults over a certain age were probably missed being diagnosed. Aspergers wasn't even a diagnosis until the 1990s. I had sensory issues (still do as an adult), and I had to hide them growing up because people would think I was a freak. So I was the shy kid. I hated parties. COuldn't follow a conversation if more than one p erson was talking at once (still can't for the life of me). I coudl go on and on naming stuff that affects me in my day-to-day life. But at this point, I learned coping mechanisms. My parents taught me coping mechanisms for some things since they have some of these issues themselves! And I know I will pass these coping mechanisms on to my daughter. And hopefully she'll get more from her therapists and teachers. I know sensory disorders are not part of the autism criteria, but it's kind of confusing why they aren't when so many people with autism have sensory disorders. The social communication thing is a biggie...
So, anyways, I guess my point is that me in my 30s is more being open to getting diagnosed with autism/aspergers (if the stupid health insurance companies wouldn't ding you for everything and raise costs)... but my mom in her 60s, although she has autistic tendencies as well would not want to admit it, be diagnosed, be seen, or even talk about it. I think it's worse as you go up the generations... my grandmother had breast cancer twice (in each breast)... and she hated to talk about it, or even say the word breast. Nowadays, people have pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness and speak about that stuff openly. I think also that mental health you can talk about more openly these days. People aren't afraid to say, "hey, I have ADD"... though I think now they call it ADHD. My parents generation, I think to them it was taboo growing up and part of that still lingers in how they think.
Well, anyways, just be careful how you approach your mom. She may or may not be open to having a discussion about it. Maybe as you understand how your daughter has autism/PDD, you can understand your mom a little better. She may not have autism, just some autistic tendencies, but anyways, maybe you can better know your mom by learning about your daughter as she gets older.
Your mom also may be able to give you some insight on your daughter, depending on if she has similar issues ...like do they both have communication issues? sensory disorder/issues? ADD issues? Auditory processing disorder? That sort of stuff.
There shouldn't be any shame in acting immature either... I have stuffed animals. And I enjoy playing with my daughter with her toys. I think immaturity in some ways is a good thing in parenting because I can interact with my daughter when many parents will just sit and watch from the sidelines. Though I am mature in the ways that count... keeping my daughter from doing wrong things, making sure she is obedient and disciplined as well as having fun. And yeah, I do like to swing, go down the slide, and other stuff at the park. But I also see other parents doing this stuff as well.... though moreso in the evening, closer to sunset when the park is less crowded. And the kids seem happy that their parents are having fun and can share the enjoyment. You try to do that stuff during the middle of the day and you get moms staring at you like you are a freak and don't belong there with your child. I guess I get upset at people who criticize and say how things are supposed to be. Life unfortunately is like that... it's been like that... it was like that when I was growing up, and it will be like that when my daughter grows up. Just don't be too hard on your mom or be embarrassed by her. Just try to love her for who she is. I had to learn to do that with my parents and I'm sure my daughter will go through that when she gets older with me.
I am sorry you have had problems with your mom. I have issues with my own mom (a bit different way though). My mom finally started seeing a psychiatrist when I was in college. Regardless of what your mom has (autism or something else), if she has issues, maybe you can see if she'll see a psychiatrist. It is hard for an adult child to tell their parent they might need psychiatric help. Usually it helps if it comes from the dad/current spouse/boyfriend/or friend who is their age. It is not good that your mom hates herself. That is usually a sign that someone needs a counselor. Even if she does wierd things, act differently, and not quite understand the world, that is not a reason to hate herself. I know my mom had self-hatred problems when I was growing up. I also know that when people hate themselves, this carries over in to all their other relationships. If people don't know how to love themselves, they usually have a lot of difficulty showing love for others.
My mom said a lot of things to me when I was growing up, a lot of hateful things to me when I was a teenager. She was not physically abusive, though. She was also an alcoholic (actually she recently quit because she spent 2 weeks in the hospital for something entirely different and went through detox there and dried out). Having your own children, it's scary sometimes because you have to deal with the issues with your parents if there are any so your own children aren't affected by how they view your relationship with each other. Children usually want their grandparents to love them, and if they sense their parents aren't getting along with grandma/grandpa, they probably wonder why and what's wrong. Sometimes children get confused and think if there's an abnormal relationship they might be the cause of it. But sometimes they realize what's up and can figure it out on their own.
It sounds like you've been through a lot with your mom. I had to learn to forgive my mom and forget. Forgetting usually takes going over in detail. I guess if you knew why your mom did these things, you might be better able to let go. Or that she might show love to you better.
I'm not sure how you would go about getting your mom to a psychiatrist or counselor... but if she says stuff like she hates herself, maybe you can tell her you are concerned for her emotional well being.
Also if how your relationship with your mom (past and present) is so bad, you might get help if you saw a counselor. Insurance usually pays for a couple visits (though some insurance doesn't cover it at all). I have seen a counselor before for relative/inlaw issues. i am not good at figuring out what to say, how to say it, when to say it, or even if I shoudl say it. Sometimes if you say something the wrong way, it just makes things worse. I guess that's why the counseling/psychiatrist profession stays in business.
I hope she gets some answers.