Need sound advice

[wonderingaloud]

In the beginning of this year I was in a situation where I went outside my marriage on a drunken night and received oral sex .  I felt a little peer pressure but not going to blame my actions on that at all.  My main issue was guilt, I applied the guilt I was feeling to my health and was sure I had gotten a disease.  I had myself checked several times and followed all the guidelines for the necessary tests but still feel tons of anxiety.  This happened once before early on in my marriage, my wife and I were fighting a lot and I truly thought it was not going to last.  I made a commitment to making it .....after that.... and we went on to have kids and many years of a great relationship, I chalk all of that early  fighting up to being young and living together on our own.  I have two kids and one on the way.  I am a good person, charitable, good provider, good father but I cannot stop beating myself up over this.  There is zero chance my wife would ever find out about this so i tried following advice you gave someone else which was to live with it and not tell her and ruin her life to make me feel better.  I agree with that advice mostly except I need help getting back to myself.  I would consider seeing a therapist and do not think I would raise any red flags at home except I worry they would encourage me to spill the beans and I think the fallout would be unreal.  I know I can avoid this in the future and will never put myself in this position again.  I had a rough childhood and some events in my adult life that have been very traumatic I doubt these are percipitators but I am not an expert.  I also should mention i do not have a drinking problem at all happened to be drinking that night but am not a real regular drinker, the oral  was always the plan there was never a thought of having sex.  Please point me in the right direction, give me some advice on how to get my head back to where it was prior to this event.  Thanks.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi.

Only you know why you decided to have oral sex with someone--and it's not just because you were drunk. Obviously, there's something going on with you--either personally, or with your relationship. One thing possibility: You've got another child on the way. Was this a mutual decision, or just an accident? And how do you really feel about this, deep down? Perhaps you're feeling a bit stressed about the added responsibility; this could weigh on you and cause you to act out.

Let's look at your options: You can be your own therapist and examine possible reasons why you did this. You may have some important insights which will help you to find a less-destructive way to deal with your issues.

You can, indeed, talk this over with a therapist. As you say, if you tell your wife, you may destroy your relationship. However, if you see a therapist who is committed to a certain value system, s/he may, indeed, tell you that you MUST divulge to your partner. One way to avoid this is to interview prospective therapists on the phone and ask them if they have iron-clad rules about divulging sex outside a relationship. Find one who isn't so dogmatic.

I don't have any magic formula for you to get over your guilt. Only you can do that. But I CAN tell you that if we don't learn from our mistakes--guess what?--we're doomed to repeat them. But you already knew that... Good luck. Dr. J

[wonderingaloud]

The decision was mutual to have another child but we had several losses and I am still feeling the sting of that.  I was afraid that you would say that regarding therapists so thanks for the advice there.  I am comfortable this will never repeat itself even though it has been twice already but I see now what my family means to me.  I will seek therapy and hope this will help me.  I will see how it goes.......likely will wait to see how the guilt management on my own goes and will take it from there. Thanks for the encouraging words. Like I say she will never know and might be best it stays that way ruining her life, my life and the life of my kids admitting a mistake in an otherwise great relationship makes no sense on a logical level......I will have to accept I am human made a mistake and vow to never make another, I will try to explore why I did it.  I was just wondering if it could have just been opportunity and desire.  I mean I did not set out to hurt myself her or my family there was an opportunity and I wanted it........could it be nothing more than that and all of the introspect is much ado about nothing.  Like i say my life oherwise is great, money, love, career all well.  Thanks.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

You're on the right track. Something to consider though: You state:  "I was just wondering if it could have just been opportunity and desire... there was an opportunity and I wanted it........could it be nothing more than that and all of the introspect is much ado about nothing." Do you usually give yourself whatever you want, consequences be damned? Of course not. If you need money, but you don't rob a bank, do you? So why do you think you gave yourself permission to ignore potential consequences of this action? I don't know the answer, but I think this is something you should examine about yourself. Dr. J

[Dr_K]

I agree, good to find a therapist who will not tell you what to do.  In my opinion a good therapist will help you to explore your feelings, values, motivations, on a deeper level than you have been aware of, and thus help you to make better decisions on your own.  I do suspect that you will have to find someone who can help you get in touch with these deeper process though if you want to avoid a repeat, or even worse, of your acting out.  And just as important, to examine the real source of the guilt feelings and deal with them before they poison your relationship.