She has a cancer. Can love survive?

[BobPaul]

We are both in our 30s and have been married for 3 years. We moved to my wife country so we can live with her family during her breast cancer treatment. That is surely an advantage for her. She looks optimistic and in good relation with her family and friends

Since we are here, she socialize with everybody...except me. They don't speak any English so I can not participate. I spent most of he day in the room surfing the internet or reading. I help her to find information about treatments and other thing related to her cancer.

Our relation is not really good. She can discuss any topics with her family and have fun. I need that too. When I talk to her about different things she acts like she does not hear anything. The only time she really talk to me is to blame me for anything that goes wrong. Once a while, she will "try" to be suddenly lovely to me but she can feel I am a bit cold.

When I tell her about how I feel, she gets angry telling that she is sick and she does not feel like talking. But she chat a lot with her relative! Who am I?

Maybe I am failing somewhere but it looks like that I am failing everything according to her. I was understandable first because she has a cancer but my question now is...does she really need me?

It's been 2 months already and I feel I want to leave her for the first time since we met. I hope that something could take away that intention and bring back some love and respect.

I feel I am dying inside! She has a cancer and I can not just leave like that.

Any opinion or recommendation?

[jo929]

Were you happy, where you lived before, or were you feeling this way, also have you told her how you feel. I know it is a terrible thing to have cancer, my husband had it, and it is now in remission, could she not have taken treatments where you lived before.If possible hang in there until she has treatments, and then if you love her, tell her you need to move, away from her parents, as you dont feel comfotable, if she disagrees, it will mean that she does not care enough for you I wish you both well   jo

[shay75]

First, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
This is a serious decision and a trying time for you both... It would be unadvisable to make a life altering decision in the throes of such serious stress without some SERIOUS thought. I have a couple things to say -one of which is that if she is going through chemo and has lost her hair, she may not feel atractive to you, especially if she feels you are "cold" when she tries to get close to you. And sometimes when faced with our own mortality, people pull away from those that they love hoping to spare them if the worst should happen.
What I think you need to focus on is what your relationship was like BEFORE she got sick. Were you already unhappy and feeling distance? If this is true then maybe you should take some time apart. If things were good, I think you should let her know that without some sort of intervention, like that of a counselor, her dismissal of you is going to cause your relationship to fail.
There is no doubt that she is not opening up to you and even though she is the one who has the cancer, she has to understand that if you love her, you are going through her sickness too and you need to talk and be involved. My thoughts and prayers are with you guys, this has got to be very hard for you both.

[BobPaul]

Thanks to both of you for answering.

I just had a discussion with her. We are thinking to take a break from each other after her chemo. We wants to see more clearly on our relation. But she told me that she needs me during her chemo. I agree with her and I hope I can hold.

She mentionned that I did not take care of her. So I replied that everything I am doing is wrong for her and I got tired to be blamed. So we went through the game of blaming each other again.

I said again because we had a few big fights the 2 first years of our marriage. She is extremely detailed person and she likes things to be perfect. I like things to be simple and I believe that I can learn from mistakes. So she tried to change me. She finaly gave up the last year so our relation became way better. Since she is sick, everything has to be her way otherwise...she put pressure on me and I am sensitive so we get fight.

Maybe I need a prescription for a relax pill so I can get through those moments.

We still love each other. Respect is our main issue.

[jo929]

Is their not anybody, around that speaks english, so that you can confide in them, it always helps to talk about things to someone, if there isnt ,just start typing someone will be here to answer , if it helps any. I do not type well, never took typing my work has been in the health field for 40 years both gen, and mental, so our work was people and writing no typing, so i hit the wrong key a lot as you can probably tell, maybe,, it wont come to your having to take meds, try, to find a male friend close or a stranger, and talk because you cant ,just sit there, and listen to something ,you do not understand, the main thing is to stay, or be with her through this, and then it will be easier to think straight maybe go th the library, and get some books on her language, or have some of her folks teach you, you probably feel like a fish out of water, and she feels comfortable with her family now  luck to all remember we are always here for you to talk with     jo

[jo929]

One other thing that may be helpful would be to keep your self busy, and also your mind on other things also, and not dwell on the situation you are in now, that would be better than taking pills just keep mind, and body busy if possible, and you will also find the time passes a lot quicker, when one broods or thinks to much about things it will make one more nervous , so keep busy, and luck to all  jo

[katarina777]

'I feel I am dying inside! She has a cancer and I can not just leave like that.'

  That is a very powerful statement, Bob. She has cancer and you feel like you are dying inside. She says she needs you during chemotherapy?  I don't really think she does, as that is why she wanted to be with her family. There seems something strange about this. Her asking is one thing, but it is another to ask to move in with her family and for you to be there with her. it's also interesting that you so readily agreed, and/or tell me if this is not the case. And now she is telling you that she needs you for chemotherapy?  Does she feel like she is dying inside?

You are feeling guilty and this is why you are letting her boss you around, tell you she needs you, and on the other side she treats you as if you do not exist. And, she seems to be thriving.

Bob, you do not have cancer, at least not now, but the way you describe you are feeling is not only really important but also really seriously bad, and just because she is the one with the diagnosis of cancer does not mean that she is any sicker than you are, and that she needs more care than you do, besides that she has already arranged for her caretaking and it appears you were not good enough for her to be her caretaker even when this started.

You speak of disrespect, and I have been in that place where someone claims to love me but does not respect me, and it feels really terrible, I know.

She is taking advantage of you, and I see no way that this is going to work out with your staying with her family and tending to her, and which you won't be able to do right no matter what you do.

I am concerned about your feeling like you are dying inside. and, believe me, i was diagnosed with cancer last year myself, and a very serious one as well, and I never once felt even half as badly as you describe you are feeling now.  I think you feel robbed of your entire self, and totally worthless, and horrible because that is how one feels when treated like you are. But not everyone will take it, and it's bad for any relationship. if this is bad for you it will also be bad for her, and i think you should leave without making this a separation nesessarily.  and if she feels she really misses you, and that she wants and needs you, then that is the best you can hope for and the best she can hope for as well, if she still is able to feel and think about you.

Do both of you a favor. It's terrible  for you to have to feel the way you do and I really understand. she can come after you, and you can arrange for her to continue treatment where you lived before with you.
stand up for yourself. i think she may really want that, too. (or she needs it) Do not be her doormat, with or without her cancer.

[teko]

I tend to be a little more concerned about what you are not saying. From your post, one could draw a lot of conclusions. Is the reason you are staying with her family because you have financial issues and cannot afford a place of your own? Who is paying for the cancer treatment for yur wife? If the wifes parents are helping with the financial end of things, that would explain why your wife may be going out of her way to "socialize" with them. Also, I understand you do not speak English, but if they are not locking you in your room, it would appear to be your choice to distance yourself from them. Cancer is a HUGE life threatening event and would cause a lot of emotions including fear of dying. Faced with these emotions and only 3 years of marriage under the belt, it may be hard for either of you to deal with the relationship issues effectively. You need to either get your own place and be there for your wife thru her illness, or remove yourself from the situation so she can concentrate on winning her battle for life. At this point in time, it is imperative that she have the energy and focus to fight for her life. You can walk from the relationship anytime, your problem is temporary at best.

[shay75]

Your welcome... and wow! Some people have some real strong feelings on here. I think you should do exactly what you're doing for a couple reasons. First, you might regret bailing on her in her time of need; second, I think your emotional support probably does help her, and third, if you're able to work things out, this will be a VERY sore subject if you don't hang in there. If you two love eachother (which you say you do) you need to work through this terrible time together - even if she's being a little selfish. I mean seriously, she is facing a life threatening illness, I can think of no more apropos time to be self absorbed. When her chemo is over, make the desicion on whether to seperate or not. I think it could be very beneficial for you both, but who knows - maybe you'll change your mind.
Either way, you are a stand up guy and a solid husband to stick by her right now despite your problems. You will look back on this time with pride and the knowledge that you were very good to her in her time of need. That is all a spouse can ask for. Good Luck to you both. Keep us posted.

[BearHitch]

I am sorry for your situation.  It is a tough thing when a loved one faces something like this.  The good news is that lots of women have faced and beat breast cancer.  If I had cancer, I could understand the way your wife is acting, in a way.  Like another poster said, some people pull away from the ones they love when facing something like this.  In regards to socializing with family and not you, perhaps it is just an act.  I know sometimes when I am feeling down or am sick, I can put on a show around my family but when with just my husband sometimes I don't have much to say.  Perhaps she feels guilty for moving near her family and you being left out but she doesn't know how to say it and she doesn't want to leave her family either.  

I understand what you are saying and feeling.  Perhaps this battle with cancer has got your wife confused and acting selfish, but I do not think you should leave.  It sounds like whenever you two talk about this it turns into a blaming game and a big fight instead of two adults talking about how they feel.  I would highly recommend counseling to help mediate this discussion.  

In my personal opinion, people take the "til death do us part" of their vows lightly since divorce is so readily available.  I think you should reflect on that and stick it out.  In fact, I do not know if this available to you, but I would rent the movie "Vow to Cherish."  In the movie, the husband deals with a situation that may provide some guidance as well.  

[katarina777]

Just want to say that I changed my mind a lot since I left that last comment. You other guys left some really great comments and I am glad I read them, and like I said, I no longer feel strongly about my own words. I guess I can learn from this as well even if this is not my problem. So, I also want to apologize just a bit.

It is not clear to me, Bob, like for the others, what your circumstances really are, and they do matter. It is also not clear to me if your wife has already started the treatment
process, or not. Has she had a mastectomy.

Anyway, this is what I have learned as i have listened to many women with breast cancer (bc), and some I know from my own experience.

It will not get any easier for either one of you for a while. For once, she will not feel like having sex. The surgery, the psychological stuff, the physical changes, the chemo, and radiation, and after that the hormonal treatment, and even if she won't have all of them will make her want to stay away from you as a man. (now, if you had a close and trusting relationship, and you had some of your own life, and were not already set up in this situation that sounds like a very difficult one for you to be in, and it would be for me too, then you guys could compensate for , and talk about the sexual issues and changes and adjustments.)  But it sounds where you are, she can avoid you, and she runs to family, and thereby you are both not dealing with the relationship.
The treatment will make her feel bad and she may be bitchy and just want to be left alone. This is very difficult for both partners.  And you do need to communicate. I agree with the others who have commented that it would be best if you can stay and support her, but I don't know how you are going to be able to do that if you don't even exist and are not welcome and pushed away. You also cannot help her if she senses that you are miserable and angry and depressed. this all all not about right and wrong but about the way it is. You need to be working, or something.

I don't know but you cannot be staying and dying together.
perhaps a separation, even if it's your going somewhere else for a few weeks, will be best and also what would be best for her.

You must communicate.

[BobPaul]

Hi,

Thanks for all your comments.

Things were great recently because we moved together in her brother house where we have more intimacy. It looks like she was trusting me to do things around.

Like I mentioned before, things have to be perfect otherwise...she would start to tell me to do things her way. It is like that from morning until we get to bed. I beg her to trust me and allow me to do mistakes sometimes....I get none of that. I don't know what I am doing but...I am useless at everything.

She tells me I am easy to get angry. Maybe she is right but I explained to her I need trust to calm down...she does not understand. The game starts again...we blame each other.

I am not sure if I better stay because it looks like I make things worst according to her.

We got married after dating for 1 year. Maybe it was too short. I took a chance because I was afraid to lose her at that time.

I am thinking about taking reading about "anger