why cant i see this is not my problem yet i want things to be better

[LORDINEEDHELP]

my husbands promises anoy the **** out of me and i have started to realize this to is all part of his problems with alachol recently our counselor told me she would not see my husband anymore yet she would see me i left her office fuming mad feeling like that was kinda unfair to me yet when i got home hubby was drinking again and i lost it again i waited till the next day to try telling him straight out that i was loosing all respect for him and i was gonna end up hatting him as much as his drinking he was quiet and embaressed yet im sure it hurt (JUST NOT AS MUCH AS NOT DRINKING BOTHERES HIM IM SURE) when he is sober he is the man i married when drinking i dont like him much in fact im kinda learning the hard way that i cant do anything except for myself which leads me to what happend next i find myself hyperventelating i get so angry and feel so alone i need to talk to someone when he drinks so i tried involving his sisters but i found out the hard way the both have issues with alachol and meds and the 3rd sister is dying of cancer which is everyone excuess latley for there actions, i cant be there for my husb when he is upset over his sister he says it covers up the pain yet i feel it is an excuess and have started to turn cold and wont comfort him if he is drunk when he starts talking about her i want to comfort him when it comes to his sister yet i refuse to if he is drinking so he may see that im truly care about his pain just not when he is drunk i feel afful walking away yet i dont want him to think i agree with his drinking to cover up his pain that is an excuess ! i have been the enabler yet im tired of it so i decited to look into alanon for myself cause i realy need help when when things got out of control the other night actualy 5 days ago i lost it again and i once again waited till next mornig to confront him i started looking back into alanon again right in front of him he then told me after telling him i refuse to live like this anymore he asked me to give him the oppertunity to try cutting down on the alachol himself and if he could not do it by himself he would agree to start AA it has been 5 days no drinking and very calm right now but i have a fear that it is just a matter of time befor he realizes he cant do it on his own my question is  was i wrong to let him try and i think i should still try alanon? i think by friday his sister is having a 4 of july bbq and this is not something i want to go to in fear of him drinkng so i mentioned it and he says i swear i wont drink but i find my self moe worried since his sister has a serious problem and honestly i dont want to be around her eaither were just asking for more temptations and yet this is his prob not mine sorry so long but any suggestions anyone,

[sunny129]

I know first hand what you are going thru.  The best thing you can do is go to Alanon - for yourself not him.  Unfortunately you are on a merry-go-round with him.  Until you get off things will remain the same.  An alcoholic will use any and all excuses to drink.  They are also very good at pushing buttons so that the spouse explodes and therefore the alcoholic "justifies" his drinking - "see what a B____ she is - no wonder I drink!" - As far as going to his sisters - I wouldn't suggest that - blood is still thicker than water.  That is where Alanon is so supportive.  Go to some meetings and get some phone numbers and call other members.  They understand - completely - Start taking care of yourself.  I remember when I first went to Alanon.  I had gotten so crazy because of his drinking, broken promises, in and out of treatment, loss of jobs etc.  One night during a blow up I actually grabbed a large kitchen knife and wanted to stab him.  I didn't - but that made me see just how sick I was getting.  In Alanon there is a saying "changed attitudes aid recovery" - not the alcoholics recovery - that is totally up to them - it may or may not happen.  But once you are on the road to recovery you will be able to make decisions that you can live with.   Good Luck - and get to a meeting - soon -

[nyychic]

I agree a meeting will help you much.  good luck and as you know I'm here to listen and help as I can.  

[jml1986]

To answer your question, no you are not wrong to let him try, but don't get your hopes up. Al anon really will help, I hope you will look into it.

[ready2help]

Go to Alanon and get involved in it. Make it a priority. And continue going to counseling. Those are the best things you can do for yourself. You cannot help him - the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will have sanity in your life. And don't internalize the hurtful things he says and does - it is just part fo the alcoholic self-centeredness and manipulation. It has nothing to do with you. I would suggest not participating any functions/activities where there is a liklihood that he will drink (like a BBQ). If he wants to go and get hammered, that's his business but you don't have to participate. That would be a great first boundary to set. If he says he is hurting over his sister, tell him you see how much he is hurting over it and maybe he should get some professional help. That's it. Period. Don't get sucked in to his nonsense - nor his family's.

Alanon will save your life! Go to meetings as much as possilbe - every day would be great. And get a sponsor. Open your ears and listen to what those people have to say. They know your story! They know the pain and stress tyou are suffering with.

And since Alanon isn't "therapy", it is important to continue seeing a therapist regularly. You need that support as well.

Between the two, you can start setting your boundaries and improve your life and existance.

Alanon, Aalanon, Alanon, Alanon, Aalanon, Alanon, Alanon, Alanon, Alanon.......

Please be well.