What to do and what is going on

[SadLittleDaisy]

Hi,

I'm new at this so you guys may have to bare with me here...I'm a 28/F and I'm on day 2 of detox, for the 3rd time.  Yeah, I know, how many times before I get it, right?  Dr. at the hospital gave me chlonodine and darvocet to help take the edge off...something I never had in the past and I'm actually taking them as directed...for once.   Dr. was nice, for once.  Last time I asked for help, my family practitioner called me a junkie, after prescribing me 20 Lortab 10's with 2 refills. I don't like the chlonodine...makes me feel even weaker so I have stopped that.   I guess the reason I am writing is because I am really battling depression this time around.  The other times, it was the hardcore physical stuff for 3 days and the slight struggle through the days following.  
I expected that this time.   But last time I detoxed, I cold turkey'd off 10-15 Lortab 10's a day.  Now that was fun.   This time my highest was 6 per day.  When I got it in my mind to quit for good, I began tapering off a few weeks ago.  Went from 10 a day to 5 (sometimes 6, if I let my guard down - but never over that).  
My question is, why is my body not feeling it as hard this time, but my mind is?  
I'm lonely, angry, ashamed, sad regretful and extremely broken hearted over what I have done to my family, my husband and myself to just get a fix.
I have never, in my life, been the one who hurt others and in the past year, that is all I have done.  My heart is broken over what I have begged, borrowed and stolen to just keep from feeling ill.  And no one seems to understand that in the end, I was only taking them because I had to continue working, I had to go on as if nothing was happening    I was never aloud to just shut down and I really want to.  For the first time in my life I want to stop being so damn nice, outgoing, funny and strong and break eveything in this house and break down while i'm at it.  Because I am so mad at myself and I am so hurt for my husband who loves me so much that he has gone through this with me twice before and still tells me how proud he was of me.  How could I do this to him again--lie, steal, manipulate?  He is the love of my life and what kind of a wife does that to the person she cares most about in this world?   I have destroyed our bank account and now I don't even have the energy to go to work.  I don't know what to do....I'm just so sad.   What helps?  Someone , please tell me what helps because I can't stop crying for what I've done to the people I love.

[worried878]

It helps to do what u r doing...just cry and cry...get it all out....and to remember this depression/doomy feeling of remorse and utter hopelessness is normal...and that it passes...it is a rush of emotion u have been supressing while using and it needs to come out so just let it flow...u r lucky to have ur husband...stop and count ur blessings in between the tears...and let urself know it is normal to feel this way right now...it is a yucky feeling but a component of detox...also...when u feel a bit more clear headed...stop and figure out where ur past attempts went wrong and what u can do differently this time to increase ur chances of success...hang in there and keep posting

[extrmeski]

You cant beat yourself up.  It is a very hard thing to do getting off of opiates.  They actually change the way your brain functions which causes depression.  The withdrawls are so nasty that you will do anything to feel better.  Been there, I wasnt as bad as my ex-g/f though who ruined our relationship because of the drugs.  You aren't yourself when you are using, the drugs take over your mind.  The good news is that you are crying, you have a heart and a conscience.  Use that to stop the madness. I wish my ex had a conscience, but she has been using so long all her feelings are numb anymore.

[EmilyPost]

((((massive hugs))))

Oh wow. I could have written this. I'm so familiar with the "pretend it is all ok and just take the meds so you can go to work and be perfect," syndrome.

Yeah detox is gonna hit randomly, physical, emotional, spiritual, where ever it wants to or needs to. I would say first BREATHE. Allow yourself some nice oxygen.

You are making so many harsh statements about yourself, they are so very Judgmental and I am wondering if you beat yourself up like this all the time inside? And is that why you are now in detox? Cause beating yourself up and invalidating yourself isn't something you would do to anyone else.

I'm a stranger to you and I am sure you would never call me the names or imply what you just did about yourself to me.

I actually think crying is good. Because it releases alot of stored up stuffed in emotions.  If you have a broken heart, why wouldn't you cry? I wanna cry for you too! It sounds very very hard.

I'm so glad that they are being kind to you at detox. I regret that any Doctor spoke to you with such harsh words. That was mean. I'm sorry that happened.

I do know you are in the right place and I am grateful that you are in detox. Seriously, you could have died, or worse.

It's ok to have strong emotions. Just let it out and breathe thru it.

Love and healing,
Emily

[merrymaria]

hi im kinda new too.  im on day 3 clean and feel awful but keep thinking it will be so nice to wake up in the morning and not take a pill to get going.  its hell without them and its hell with them but without s better.  i did cold turkey which is not too good.  day1 and 2 and 3 were hell but people say by day 7 you should feel better.  so stay strong and check this forum it sure helped me alot.  the hell with that doc   how dare him. ***####  write me if you like   take care

[SadLittleDaisy]

Thank you for giving me words of encouragement and taking the time to read what I'm going through.  It means so much to know that people know what I'm going through and want to help even while they are going through their own personal hells.  I'm now 48 hours plus and doing ok, I guess.  Not as depressed as last night...just feeling...here..I guess.  A little out of it and thank God for Amodium!   Merry, thank you for understanding and for making feel better about that doctor.  I think you and I are going through alot of the same things nearly at the same time.   Emily, I felt your hugs...much needed.  I do beat myself up alot and I think it's because I expect so much out of myself.  I've always been the strong one, the leader...always in control.   And now I have just fallen to pieces, something I obviously can't handle very well.  I'm just sitting here, remembering my life before all this.  I'm an actress and have been working and studying at it my entire life.  Before all this, I worked all the time and these pills took away my drives and determinations.  I really liked the person I was before all this and what I want to know is...will I ever get that back?

Extrmeski, I'm so sorry for what you have had to deal with from your ex.  Though it wont help heal the pain in your heart...just know that she, like the rest of us have struggled with this and never mean to hurt ya'll.  Drugs make you someone else and I truly hope you find the peace you're searching for.

Worried,
Thank you for your words.  Crying has helped and I'm just starting to feel again.  It's like  learning how to walk again...One step at a time right?

So many big hugs to you all for just caring.  I really need that.
And know my thoughts and prayers are with you all as we go through this together.

Daisy

[headhunterxxx]

don`t worry it will all work out at the end i was taking 10 vicks per day for about a yr. it took me 2 times to get it right and you will get it becuase you yourself will be strong this time because you now how to get help from all this good posting


LATER: RICK  (ALSO GOOD LUCK YOU WILL MAKE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pill Popper in AL]

that could've been my post!!! i'm always the person that keeps everything and everyone happy but myself. i have let down my husband, my family and myself. i want to go back to how i was before the pills also. i have a very loving and supportive husband also and went through the withdrawls with me twice, but this time i cannot pull myself to tell him about this relapse. the doctor is doing a taper with me and my sister is holding the meds. talk about stress! my sister cannot understand and probably won't, but one day she is supportive and the next tells me that i need to go rehab so i can detox in a facility. i asked her not to tell anyone and guess who she told... MY DAD OF ALL PEOPLE! he hasn't said anything to me and acts like he doesn't know. anyway, im off to get my dose from the dictator, i mean my sister! LOL! hang in there and keep strong.
lisa

[SadLittleDaisy]

Pill Popper,
You and I are both in Bama.  LOL.  Tapering is good and I think that's why I haven't felt the very strong physical withdrawals on this one.  Though I'm going on 72 hours clean.  Sweetie, tell your husband.  I thought the same thing  and hid it from him for so long because I did not want to put him through this again.  But you know what he said when I told him..."I knew".  And what I found out is that what hurts them the most is that we hide it from them which is the same as lying.  My husband told me that it's not how we fall down that makes us who we are, it how we get up.  Our mistakes do not define us as people, but how we rise above and correct those mistakes.  And if we all can do that, I think we will all be better people after having gone through this than we ever were before.

[SadLittleDaisy]

Thanks Rick!

and you're right...I just have to keep going. i can do this.

Thanks,
Daisy

[bandnmom]

WElcome to forum. Im sure many of us reading thought we were reading something that we wrote ourselves. thats the crazy thing with addiction. You feel so alone and so ashamed. You feel like everyone is judging you and no one understands. Thats why this forum is a life saver for so many. WE have all been there..done that. Nothing surprises us and there is no judging just understanding supportive people. ANyways...3rd time is a charm. You sound determined to make this your last time and that is the attitude you need. PLus you have us now. You will see how much this forum helps. I now i would not be 7months 9 days without it. I tried so many other times i lost count. Crying is good! I still cry. LOL!! get it all out. you have held so much in for so long. your tear ducts probably have no clue as to what is going on!!!! LOL! Anyways, stick around and post. Good luck to you and anytime you need anything say the word!

[Sue13]

Thanks for the posts on this thread; I am going to hang in here too to try to detox. How does one find the threads you are "watching"? I really want to keep track of the people on those three threads as a sort of group for detox. I have been cutting down on hydrocodone, and will be in Europe starting Tuesday (with my computer with me). Since it will be a fun time, it is also a good time to "finish off" this detox (as long as I don't turn to wine for help.)

Anyone care to be a "detox buddy"? PM me (then maybe I can find out how that is done...

Sue13